Friday, November 05, 2010

Burn In Hell

I’m a curmudgeon. I freely admit to this. I even celebrate it.

Certain things in life will always trigger a curmudgeonly reaction in me. Music in cars so loud it shatters the tarmac and the eardrums of passersby. Mobility scooters travelling at 40mph on pavements. Student parties in the house next door. And fireworks to name but a few.

So, as you can imagine, this time of year sees me spewing so much bile I’m sweating vinegar.

Possibly it’s wrong this curmudgeonliness, but I really don’t care.

Because when the dickhead students who live next door to me decide to have a firework party at 10 o’clock at night I am so at one with my curmudgeonliness it is practically a karmic state that transcends the rest of reality and certainly everybody else’s opinion.

10 o’clock.

10 o-sodding-clock.

That’s bedtime for me on a normal night, big wuss that I am. On a night when I am bone tired and exhausted – as I was last night – it is even more my bedtime. It is desperately, essentially my bedtime. So much my bedtime it is listed in the minutes of the Geneva convention that to deny me my rightful bedtime is a gross act of torture and human rights violation on a par with the Nazi’s murdering half of Europe just to gain access to a beach.

It ain’t gonna garner a positive response from yours truly.

Now, I dislike fireworks with a passion anyway and have written about it here, here and here but even I can see – even in the midst of my curmudgeonly prowess – that people have a right to burn their own money if they want to and are brain-dead enough to do it.

But surely people should have the sense to pick a reasonable time? 6 o’clock. 7 o’clock. 8 at a push. But 10 a-bleedin’-clock?

Surely even some self-centred, doped up, away-from-home-for-the-first-time student can see that 10 o’clock is too late? That there might be other non-student people in the vicinity who unlike him who can lie in bed until 1.30pm the next day have to get up before 7am to go to work and get the kids to school? That people who lead a worthwhile, productive life need their sleep?

Not to mention the kids. My poor kids. They must have thought they’d gone to sleep in Leamington and woken up in Afghanistan. The fireworks, the window shattering detonations, the students guffawing and haw-hawing at the tops of their voices from their garden and even the roof of their kitchen extension were right outside my boys' bedroom window.

There was no escape.

Few things can engender temporary insanity more that lying down to sleep, so exhausted you physically can’t keep your eyes open but unable to drift off into the comforting slumber of unconsciousness because of noise and hullabaloo so loud it feels like the mob are actually in bed with you.

I fantasized acts of violence and retribution. Pulp Fiction style speeches just before I let rip with our hosepipe (after remembering to remove the sprinkler attachment). Maybe even a bloody nose or two to wake these student-types up to the real world of men and dominance of the strong.

I was so screwed up and desperate for sleep I even, Heaven forgive me, considered sneaking out to the front of their house and scratching words of damnation into the paintwork of their paid-for-by-mummy student cars.

LET US SLEEP!! -------------------------------------

And that long gouge ensuring the body work is ruined right down to the stupid pimped up tailfins.

But then I thought: no. That would give them a clue as to who their righteous persecutor was. I might be leaving myself open to reciprocal attacks. I would have to protect the identity of my bicycle.

So then I came up with an idea of utter genius. I would scratch their car but leave a message so misleading and cryptic they wouldn’t even connect the car scratching with their ill timed blitz recreation party.

LEAVE MABEL ALONE --------------------------------

I mean what could be more confusing to a student than that?

I felt good – evil but good – just thinking about it.

And then the party broke up at half past 10 and they all dispersed and went home and the street fell back into silence.

Bleedin’ lightweights.



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51 comments:

Heather said...

half ten? Is that all they managed? Bleeding lightweights indeed, and just as you were getting into your evil and vandalous plotting, as well. Tsk, they don't make students like they used to, eh?

Gorilla Bananas said...

The worst thing to do is to lie in your bed raging impotently. You've either got the join the party or poop it properly. Ideally, you'd hire a pack of baboons to run amok. In your case, the neighbourhood dogs might have to suffice.

Steve said...

Heather: I know, they didn't even throw up over our hedge or piss in our letterbox either. They're just pale imitations these days (I blame the loss of the student grant).

Gorilla Bananas: so you're not an ape for hire then? Not even if I threw in all the fruit you can eat?

Being Me said...

I DESPISE 40mph SCOOTERS ON PAVEMENTS!
And fireworks. We'd make great neighbours.

Steve said...

Being Me: when are you moving in? Please tell me it's tomorrow! ;-)

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

We are definitely not a firework family. Husband has always hated them and son was terrified of them from an early age when a stupid dad at a friend's party invited all the kids to go in the garden and set off a rocket with no warning. Rory was only a toddler and was so shocked he was shaking and had to be taken home. I was livid.

Steve said...

Trish: grr! When I am crowned superme ruler of all the universe that particular father will be one of the first to find his own head put on a spike outside my palace of residence. That's a promise.

Clippy Mat said...

Come on, who doesn't like fireworks? What kind of a curmudgeon are you? Even the most bloody miserable of curmudgeons like fireworks. It's true I've seen 'em. All the miserable owld rat bags in our neighbourhood who normally harrass people for innocent misdemeanours such as walking on their grass, or letting their dog's poop lie for a nano second before picking it up; even THEY come out and celebrate and toss their cardies in the air when there's fireworks. Even at 10.00 p.m!!

:-)

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: no, they are not tossing cardies. They are throwing up mommets - puppet like recreations of the firework lighters - offering them up to the great god Curmudgeon in the hope he will smite these pyromaniacs and clean the world of their fizzing-banging-popping filth. ;-)

rummuser said...

You gain immunity in India during Diwali festival, which is raging outside as I type this. This immunity stands you in good stead throughout the year as at the drop of a hat, we will burst crackers and set off fireworks to celebrate anything. The worst sufferers are dogs. The sight of these poor things during our celebrations is what made me give up such celebrations when I was very young and my son followed suit. I like your idea of Mabel. I think that I shall borrow it for a different purpose.

Steve said...

Rummuser: that Mable gets around quite a bit you know... but she likes to meet new people so you are very welcome. ;-)

Suzanne said...

My cat's called Mabel and she doesn't like fireworks either,
co-incidence or what? :)

the fly in the web said...

Thank you for Mable..I am sure she will come in handy one day...
Don't come to Costa Rica...everything is celebrated with fireworks and the start of every local fiesta is announced by setting off two landmines...or that's how it sounds.

Steve said...

Suzanne: no. I really was sticking up for Mabel's rights. I was channelling her pain and distress.

The fly in the web: blimey, that's another potential emmigration destination struck off the list. All I have left now is Mull and Antarctica.

Nota Bene said...

I'm a fireworks man...but only on 5th November. Certainly not the 4th. You should make a lot of noise in the morning..students don't like mornings....

The Dotterel said...

Forget the fireworks. And students. Who's Mable? Or Mabel? Or is it Marble?

I'm confused.

It's easily done...

Steve said...

Nota Bene: that did cross my mind. Hi-fi speakers up against the partition wall early in the morning... heavy metal full blast. But the buggers'd probably enjoy it.

TheDotterel: please see Suzanne's comment above. Mable is a cat.

Janete Cabral said...

I have been lucky so far, no fireworks....yet.

I sympathise.

Steve said...

Janete: if I thought it meant I'd escape tonight I'd feel better about it... but I know that last night was just a precursor to the main event...! :-(

French Fancy... said...

I love the thought of them puzzling over your cryptic message - go on, do it anyway. They deserve it.

Steve said...

FF: the only thing stopping me is the surefire knowledge that the little buggers would Google "Leave Mabel alone" and find my blog and the game would be up before it had even begun.

LöstJimmy said...

Ah fireworks, my neighbour across the road has been unleashing a nightly barrage since Monday culminating in a display which would put the ordnance tonnage used in Operation Linebacker to shame. And as I type he is still lighting up the nightsky

Kelloggsville said...

My thoughts were along the same lines as NB, if you want to upset a student you got to think like a student and the first thing is to get the kids playing loudly really really early. Secondly, each time you see they with a girl/boy greet them with a "gosh - it's a different girl every time we meet, wish I was young again!" and a huge friendly smile: you just lost him his shag and his lie in.

Steve said...

LöstJimmy: the Government is having to make savings in the military... and yet we have all these explosives in the hands of chavs and dolts, the very people who should be cannon fodder. The world is upside down! ;-)

Kelloggsville: oh you're good. You've very good. I bow down to you, my master.

Mark said...

Just realised it is 5 November. I so hate fireworks too. Drove past Lemmington today, didn't notice any groggy Students, so the y must have gone to bed.

Steve said...

Mark: strangely it is all quiet nextdoor tonight - now that it is actually Bonfire Night - I guess they're on the campus burning the student's union down...

Owen said...

Steve, didn't you save the instructions I sent you about how to make a flamethrower out of an ordinary garden sprayer ??? Stop being such a wuss, pull on your Arnold Schwarzenegger tight t-shirt and get to work ! These people obviously need their cage rattled.
:-)

Yep, heads on pikes, that's the spirit !

Steve said...

Owen: you are a kindred spirit! I salute you, sir!

Fran said...

Yeah, but that's when it stopped raining!

Old Cheeser said...

I've got to say I don't think 10pm is THAT late....mind, when you have kids and are trying to get some kip it's kinda annoying....

Erm, who's Mabel?!

The Sagittarian said...

Gidday, Gramps how you doing this morning? As the public display here got rained out on Friday night, most people did their own thing lLAST night instead! I picked my girls up from ice skating at 10pm and the city was cracking off all over the place!
:-)

Steve said...

Fran: or started?

OC: thus proving that in terms of youthful vigour you are streets ahead of me...!

Amanda: bah humbug.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

Bwahahahha!! Texans are big on fireworks too. I am forever hearing of kids who are blowing their hands off around here cuz their parents let a five year old light off a firework. What is so alluring about that crap anyway?

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: blowing their hands off? If anyone want a good reason why fireworks should be banned except for organized displays there's a good one right there.

Val said...

"I fantasized acts of violence and retribution. Pulp Fiction style speeches just before I let rip with our hosepipe (after remembering to remove the sprinkler attachment)."

Lol, yeah!! But - what soundtrack gem would you have playing over your actions? Cos that's the greatness of Pulp Fiction (the film)!
;)

I'm with you on hating Fireworks. Not just for the noise and the sheer inconsideration of those using and misusing them, but for the ridiculousness of putting so much crap and heat into the air when we're trying to do something about our planet and its atmosphere.

And as for students... well, they're young. Well, most of them are young anyway. I wish I was young.

Steve said...

Val: I would have been tempted to sing "What a water-ful world..." just because it would have made me laugh... and you're right about the environmental ruination that these things undoubtedly cause. Billions of fireworks must be launched into the air... it cannot be good for the atmosphere.

misssy m said...

Haha! I'm like that- I get into a right lather if I even hear teenage voices in my street after 9 o'clock. As i was getting a lift from my brother in law I saw a few of them let their dog crap in my street and not pick it up the other week and I begged my brother to stop and let me attem. He wouldn't. He said it was for my own safety.

I could have taken them, I could have!

lunarossa said...

I don't care about fireworks, although the noise at night is really irritating. But I hate the 5th of November, a stupid
"celebration" of what then? And talking about fireworks, I hate
31st December as well. I'm getting a real bitchy old witch...that's why I like Halloween! Ciao. A.

Steve said...

Misssy M: sadly most gangs of teen these days fight like feral dogs. There's no point even attempting to lay into them unless you're tooled up yourself and have a swat team on stand-by should things go pear-shaped.

Lunarossa: I'm tempted to join you but I don't like Hallowe'en either. It's just an excuse to beg with menaces. Bah humbug.

Selina Kingston said...

I think your cumud.....curmodj...grumpiness is all part of your charm. And I'm quite attracted to that because I feel the same. I don't like students and I certainly don't like fireworks. Especially back garden fireworks. What's the point? Go to a proper display you little bastards, and come back when it's all over at 8pm rather than letting them off, one at a bleeding time, and frightening the life out of me.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

As a student housing officer, you have my full commiserations.

Wanderlust said...

Oh I think you should definitely give them an earful Steve. Go ring their doorbell. Several times. When you get up at 6:00 a.m. the next morning.

Steve said...

Selina: if I give you their phone number can you have a word with them for me?

Laura: "as a student housing officer" you have mine.

Wanderlust: that's not a bad idea. Especially as my boys quite often wake me at 5am.

Veronica said...

Hehe, found you via Kristin and this made me giggle.

I was going to comment on the post Kristin referenced, but I figured if you were anything like me, there's a possibility that every comment left there makes you gut drop. Heh. So here I am!

There was an organised party in our neighbouring paddock the other night, at 11pm the bass was still shaking my windows, the idiots were still revving their cars and I was wondering how much trouble I'd get into if I egged them. I am such a killjoy.

Steve said...

Veronica: hello and thank you for dropping by - hope you'll be a return visitor. So sorry to hear of the trouble you've been having - my own seem a long time ago now I'm pleased to say. It does all blow over remarkably quickly... hang on in there!

Suburbia said...

Hee hee!
My neighbours did the same at 9pm, though they had the good grace to warn us. However I had forgotten and was just putting Small Sprog to bed when they started. He pleaded with me to watch them, at first I said no, that it was late and he needed to sleep, but after about 3 mins I realised we couldn't beat them so we would have to join them. He spent the next half an hour in our garden in his Pjs stood on the bench to see the low ones over the fence!

Liked it better than the display we had paid to watch the night before!

Steve said...

Suburbia: if you can't beat them, join them, eh? Hmm. I prefer: if you can't beat them, sabotage them and indulge in acts of petty revenge. Hey - I have to get my kicks somehow!

TheUndertaker said...

Curmudgeon huh. I had to google it. The word is just lovely, I love the sound of it. It conjured up images of a small cuddly rather weird fantasy animal. I like my definition better when I think of you as a curmudgeon, you 'bad-tempered, surly and difficult' person, you (according to online dictionary) : )

Steve said...

TheUndertaker: "a small cuddly rather weird fantasy animal"... Nope, that's me to a tee that is.

TheUndertaker said...

Curmudgeon Steve. Sounds like a great idea for a children's book, then.

Steve said...

TheUndertaker: yeah... with illustrations by Quentin Blake!