Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Anger Management Glasses

Bloggertropolis Anger Management GlassesAnger management classes are all well and good but, really, who has the time? Who has the inclination to sit in a room with a bunch of sweaty people who twitch and snarl every time someone gives them a funny look or grabs the last Garibaldi?

What you need is instant intervention! A personalized buffer zone between you and the object of your justified rage!

I would therefore like to present the patent pending Bloggertropolis Anger Management Glasses (funny nose and fake moustache come fitted as standard).

Simply don these pacific spectacles and instantly see the target of your fury transformed into an object of pity and sympathy – thus circumnavigating the murderous anger that could potentially see you incarcerated at Her Majesty’s Pleasure for the rest of your natural.

Mother-in-law constantly sniping at you and making disparaging comments about how you are raising your kids / making your gravy / baking your cakes / exercising your right as a British citizen to cross-dress in public? Don’t viciously rearrange her expensive vajazzle with a Moulinex hand blender (after all, you’ll need that for the crème brulee later), simply slip on your Bloggertropolis Anger Management Glasses and see her transformed into the needy, unloved child that she really is who was never allowed the pony she dreamed off when she was 5 years old and who was laughed out of the WI in her mid twenties for her grainy scones and her unrisen baps. She does not deserve your resentment; she deserves your compassion and your understanding!

Some loud-mouthed white van driver with a pot belly and nicotine stained lips cut you up on the way to work? Don’t involve yourself in a Dukes Of Hazard style car chase around the industrial estate that ends with you creaming his face all over the bonnet of his car with a handy piece of lead guttering that you keep in the boot of your Peugeot for just such occasions... put on your Bloggertropolis Anger Management Glasses and see him for the inadequately genitalled, illiterate, going-nowhere, cirrhosis suffering nobby-no-mates that he really is. Does this man really deserve your anger and all this passionately expended energy? Surely it is your pity that he really craves? With your Bloggertropolis glasses firmly in place you can at last give it to him!

Colleagues giving you the run around and trying to drop seven kinds of excrement onto you from a great height to cover their own malodorous shortcomings? Don’t push them face-first into the paper-shredder and get mediaeval on their wriggling arses with a staple gun... simply whip out your Bloggertropolis Anger Management Glasses and see them for the pewling, cowardly, passive-aggressive spoilt brats without a shred of true professionalism that they really are. Why waste a good Tippex mouse gouging out their eyeballs when you can empathize with their failed showbiz parent upbringing that saw them on the talent scrapheap at 15 and knocked-up with 4 kids by the time they were 19 with no hope of ever regaining their previous good looks?

Ta da!

Bloggertropolis Anger Management Glasses saves the day once again!

Anger managed!

Bloggertropolis Anger Management Glasses are available for pre-order from Bloggertropolis for the blinding price of £39.99 per pair though a discount of £70 for two pairs is available for married couples.

Disclaimer: Bloggertropolis accepts no liability for sight impairment, retinal damage or moustache allergies that may result from over-exposure to Bloggertropolis Anger Management Glasses and most certainly accepts no liability for any criminal prosecution that may result from the failure of the glasses to prevent outbursts of violent rage in the face of gross stupidity, ignorance and pettiness originating in the people that you choose to surround yourself with.



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31 comments:

Nota Bene said...

Oh just f*ck off will you. Writing this ridiculous nonsense. I hate your blog. I hate you. This is pathetic. I've read better stuff in the waste paper basket.

*Could you send me two pairs please?

Marginalia said...

If you're grouchy put on your Grouchos.

Wanderlust said...

I'm wearing those to court.

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

Would love to meet that mother-in-law with her vajazzle and unrisen baps.

What are 'pacific' spectacles anyway?

Gorilla Bananas said...

The problem is that not many people could wear that contraption without totally changing their appearance. I suspect you don't realise that because you're one of the lucky few.

Kelloggsville said...

I think I need these glasses, I'm like Trish I'm really struggling to read white on black. I wonder if it's a middle aged woman thing (OMG please don't tell her I said that!) Rather than take the html colour codes and jump on them from a great height I will simply slip on your glasses and relax in the sublime prose that I always find here.

Steve said...

Nota Bene: I'll be sure to send you a pair of our thickest lenses.

Marginalia: are you free to handle my marketing needs?

Wanderlust: you shall get a pair for free.

Trish: the opposite of military goggles.

Gorilla Bananas: touche.

Kelloggsville: I've toned down the white to cut down on "visual clash". Maybe I ought to bring this blog out in braille? I quite like the idea of people feeling my words.

the fly in the web said...

Look, I understand the wish to make money by taking advantage of the gullible (as per banks) and I understand the tactic of being all 'love and peace' about it (as per exploitative hippies), but I'm not buying the goggles.

One...I'm a Scot.
I can achieve the same effect and make economies by damaging my own nose while nutting someone and refusing to use exfoliant on my upper lip while wearing my one dollar reading glasses bought from a street vendor.

Two. I like managing my own anger...angrily.

But given the nature of modern society I reckon you'll make a fortune.

Good on you!

Steve said...

The fly in the web: you don't fancy investing then? Or offering an alternative anger management temper tantrum strategy? Let's cover all the bases.

misssy m said...

*Cautiously protects vajazzle area*

vegemitevix said...

Oh I need them. Boy do I! Do they come with arm restraints? Just in case I want to pop someone whilst I'm without the glasses

Steve said...

Misssy M: *cautiously protects creme brulee*

Vix: arm restraints? Hmm. I see an opening for an anger management straitjacket!

About Last Weekend said...

Fabulous - we should give them to all our politicians and knock their heads together too...oops sorry forgot this is about no anger...

Steve said...

About Last Weekend: take it from me; all politicians need to be zapped with Stupidity Removal Tasers.

Readily A Parent said...

Do they also work on self-inflicted anger? As in those moments when I choose to call myself a stupid cunt? Cause if so, I'll take two pairs, one for me and one for her ummm I - the dumb cunt.

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: no, what you need is a friend to remind you what a great person you are and what a great writer you are. Dara, you're a great person and a great writer. Capiche?

Vicky said...

Will mine arrive in time for a Board meeting next Friday!

Steve said...

Vicky: merely print out a picture of the glasses, cut them out, attach a piece of string to them that will fit around the back of your head and hey presto!

You'll be laughed clean out of the board meeting thus avoiding any anger issues.

You may have a few humiliation issues though. But I have a Humiliation Management Hat that can take care of that.

Being Me said...

1. I could've sworn that said "see the target of your furry transformed" and was thinking.... furry what? (but then you kind of explained it with the MIL visual)

2. I also thought you'd written that you're accepting no liability for rectal damage or moustache allergies... had to read that one again. Though mind you, the possibilities of how one might get a moustache/rectal allergy or damage seems obvious (do you have any backup plan for the occasion where the glasses may not have worked and we have to protect our person from the glasses being... um... inserted in anger?)

3. I want photo evidence of Wanderlust wearing her pair in court.

4. I want photo evidence of the Humiliation Management Hat (and does it look anything Dr Seuss-like at all?)

Hannah Denski said...

Oooops! Am I too late? I have killed so many on my way to work today! ; )

Steve said...

Being Me: 1 and 2. OK. I think you need real prescription glasses. Or I need to change my font colours and size.

3. Over to Wanderlust for that one.

4. If you look closely at my avatar picture you can just make out the hat...

Hannah: just think of the jobs you've created! It'll be a real boost to the economy!

Hannah Denski said...

Aaaaw, thank you! I feel better already! :)

Steve said...

Hannah: cool. Hope you slew a few more on the way home.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

But Steve, if I purchase these glasses I will completely devoid of any blog material. It is only my extreme anger with the world that keeps my blog going.


Nice make-over.

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: bugger. Never thought of that. This may well have been my last blog post.

Katriina said...

Another terrific post. Too funny by half.
Am curious to understand, though - what on earth is "Tippex mouse gouging"? Sounds like something I absolutely want to learn to do, whatever it is.

Steve said...

Katriina: Google "Tippex mouse". Then imagine holding one to the face of your mortal enemy. The answer will follow naturally. ;-)

Suburbia said...

All the years I've needed these and not know of their availability!

Steve said...

Suburbia: I've finally plugged a huge gap in the market...!

Freshmind Therapy said...

You have shared a great information about Anger Management Therapy London and Depression Counselling London.Which are

very informative for us.Thanks

Steve said...

Freshmind Therapy: you didn't even read the post, did you, you bandwagon hopping little turd gobbler?