Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Is There An App For This?

Is there an app for cack-handedness? Because I need one. Desperately.

I have come to the stark conclusion that somehow the inbuilt ergonomic design of the mobile phone is no longer pandering to my natural abilities.

It could be an old age thing but in my defence (and my kids will back me up on this) when it comes to Lego building I still retain the dexterity of a 7 year old.

But mobile phones I can no longer handle. Literally.

The buttons are too small. Or require a precision of touch that seems beyond me. And what makes it worse is that I have a work mobile as well as my own “home” mobile so the problems are doubled.

Take the automatic keypad locking facility on my work phone. Every phone has one and will employ it within seconds of the phone last registering the caress of your fingers across it’s knobbly little body.

I cannot get my phone to unlock without a deal of hassle and stress. I press a key, any key, and it tells me to press * to unlock the phone. So I do. It tells me to press * again. And again. Seems I’m not pressing it hard enough though the amount of pressure I use seems to be fine for when I’m typing out a death threat. Did I say death threat? I meant text. Three or four attempts later I have finally unlocked the phone but by now I feel like stamping on it and crushing it into oblivion. I have the shape of the * button indelibly imprinted into my finger.

It would be easier to unlock Fort Knox than to unlock my phone.

And then take the touch screen key guard on my home mobile. Oh how I thought it would be marvellously “in” to have a touch screen mobile phone. Something I could smear and flick my thumb across and have it put me in touch with the entire world.

The key guard works fine in a non-urgent situation. I slide it down and my phone becomes instantly touch sensitive. I slide it up again and it becomes as unresponsive as Katie Jordan Price wired up to an MRI scanner. Total key guard protection.

But give it an “urgent” situation. An “urgent” situation being someone calling me on my phone requiring me to operate the touch screen in order to accept the call then the key guard decides not to operate at all. It’s like the phone can’t cope with having to do two things at once. What? Employ the ring tone and enable the key guard function toggle button? No way! This is a mobile phone not a multitasking device! Back and forth I slide the key guard switch and all that happens is that the phone vibrates, continues to ring hysterically and then eventually the caller either calls off or gets diverted to my voicemail.

Major phone answering fail.

This cannot be right. This cannot be in the designer’s remit surely – to sabotage a user from using their own mobile phone in the fair pursuance of the mobile phone’s basic fundamental duties?

Does this happen to everyone or is it just a conspiracy to prevent me personally from talking to other people?

Am I really that dangerous?

Next thing you know they’ll be closing down this here blo...


Share

19 comments:

Katriina said...

I have dealt with this issue by stubbornly continuing to use the ancient Nokia I bought some ten years ago. It is clunky as all hell and cannot handle stuff like internet access or photography (I mean, shock, all it can do is behave like a telephone!) but it is just so darn easy to use.
And no, you can't have mine.

Nota Bene said...

Yes sir, I see your problem. You are NOT using the latest hi-tec handset. Please step this way and let me demonstrate the latest marvels of Korean technology. A 38" screen, quadruple zillion processing, and eighty-five terabytes of storage. 3D smello-vision screen. Just perfect for your needs. And yours at a bargain price of £4250 on a 72 month tarriff. Plus £32/byte of data. Suits you.

Hannah Denski said...

Sorry Steve, think this one's down to age... With which we loose the flexibility / ability to adapt to 'new news'/latest techno gadgets... (She says, as she struggles touchtyping post comment - but hey, it's the biggest screen available out there!)

Gorilla Bananas said...

It sounds as if you've got a sweaty fingertip problem. Try drumming your fingers on cold dry blotting paper first. I'm sure you phone will appreciate it.

Steve said...

Katriina: sounds to modern for me. I'd like an eighties mobile shaped like a brick with a car aerial sticking out of the top of it. Even better if it has a spin dialler.

Nota Bene: sorry, I don't speak Esperanto.

Hannah: but I can still pick my nose with the dexterity of a whelk catcher...!

Gorilla Bananas: you're diagnosis is probably right. See my comment above.

Hannah Denski said...

Eeeew, too much info, suspect this is something you've been 'good?' at for some time - no new news! : )

Steve said...

Hannah: I find when I'm on the phone it improves the reception.

Kelloggs Ville said...

You tried turning it off'n'on agen ? ( It's a technical term)

Fran said...

Like Katrina, still have Ye Ancient Nokia. It does all I want it to do. Text. Phone. Simples.

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: yes. With a hammer. But it tends to stay off.

Fran: I quite fancy Morse code, If I'm honest.

About Last Weekend said...

I have clumsy thumbs so most of what I send it indeciperable (sp?) just like that last word..

Steve said...

About Last Weekend: "indeciperable"? That should be the official dictionary definition of text speak. Cz I hvnt a clue as to how it wrks.

The bike shed said...

Just got an i-phone, courtesy of work - Very nice, except I've no idea how to turn it off or to stop calls - keeps ringing all day.

Being Me said...

That bit about 'death threat? I meant death text'... Comedy Gold!!

Vicky said...

I haven't weakened to the touchscreen phone yet, but the damn unlock thing is driving me insane on my sony.

Oh and I just heard Katie Price is getting married AGAIN!!!

Owen said...

You need an iphone...

And a sledgehammer for the old ones... does a world of good for the soul to hammer them into little eency weency smithereen sized bits of plastic and electrical flotsam dust...

Steve said...

The Bike Shed: an i-Phone courtesy of work?!? Na ha ha ha! Sorry if I gave that impression. No I have a Nokia barely internet enabled lump of plastic. It is a mobile. I phone.

Being Me: you're a fantastic audience... I thank you.

Vicky: she must be flirting with the vicar.

Owen: not sure I could cope with an iPhone though I wouldn't be averse to an iPad. At the end of the day, where phones are concerned, I believe they should just enable you to telephone people and be telephoned. Outlandish I know.

Leon H said...

Phones should just be phones and nothing more! The problems start when we try to get them to do everything.

Steve said...

Leon: I agree. Trying to get them do everything including the washing up only leads to trouble and confusion.