Tuesday, September 04, 2012

The War Against Plants

There are plans afoot to remove all greenery from my household.

Shrubbery, foliage and photosynthesis have been designated public enemy status.

There are those – the powers who have come to be – who are working hard to turn the green and pleasant land of my living room into a desert. The windowsills, once a tropical paradise courtesy of B&Q, are already denuded. Deforestation is occurring at such an alarming rate I am thinking of launching a campaign on Facebook and asking Bono to perform a charity gig.

Yes. It’s that bad.

Our kittens – now at the feline teenager stage – have taken it upon themselves to munch, push, kick, pounce, harass, eat and slash every single plant organism we own to the point of death. Their favourite tactic is to turn themselves into a feline ballista. They launch themselves at the curtains, climb up and then, when they have reached optimum height and can guarantee that, with the help of gravity they can reach terminal velocity, they re-sheath their claws and freefall onto whatever hapless spider plant is basking innocently beneath them.

Should the triffids ever attack their nemesis is right here.

Were I to let Missy and Kiah loose in Brazil I fear the loggers would soon be out of a job and the rain forests would be out of existence. They would see Kew Gardens as a bit of light lunch.

Nothing we can do seems to stop them. Our carpets have had so much soil deposited onto them I could throw down seed potatoes and grow a decent crop for Christmas.

We’ve tried shouting, tapping their little nosey-wosies gently, even removing them bodily from the room.

They laugh in our faces. Or rather they stare at us without blinking, ears back and then carry on their carnage like we don’t exist. This, as you all know, is the cat equivalent of laughing.

So we are down to mechanical warfare.

Weapons of war. Something with a trigger.

A weapon of mass inundation.

We have accepted that it is now necessary to spray our cats with water whenever they do something naughty.

I feel a bit uneasy about it. It feels too much like water-boarding but really the only other option is the electric chair... and despite their destructive mischievousness we love them both to bits and don’t want to stamp down too hard on their feline rights.

And who knows?

Should a jet of cold water to the mush work without too much psychological damage we may even try it on the kids...

22 comments:

Suzanne said...

You paint a vivid picture, and I'm sorry but I'm laughing. I seem to also remember a post from way back when you were trying to find a solution to another cat problem on your lawn.
Lets hope the water tactic is a success.

Expat mum said...

And that's why I have a dog!

Wanderlust said...

I know it's frustrating now Steve, but enjoy their all too brief kittenhood. One day you will wake up to find they're all grown up and you'll wonder where the years, er, months have gone. You can never get this time with them back. **weeps a bit**

libby said...

I remember the days when my husband would buy me flowers fairly regularly (never on any made up day eg Valentines or Mothers or some such nonsense..but just 'cos it was Tuesday or something...)and once we had kittens in the house we soon abandoned that.....they scratch furniture, tear at carpets and knock over vases..but just as with toddlers, this stage doesn't last forever....they are quite sedate now....and we love 'em.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Hah, you've taken my advice! Have you noticed the way they high-tail out of sight when you squirt them? I'm not convinced they deserve it for jumping on plants though. You should have waited until they started clawing your maracas.

the fly in the web said...

Now I know why I have dogs....will the local police lend you a water cannon if the kittens persist?

Steve said...

Suzanne: I have a hosepipe on standby.

Expat Mum: I'm considering swapping them for hamsters.

Wanderlust: that's true... in the blink of an eye they'll be leaving home to sponge off other people and we won't see them for days...

Libby: do you give them drugs?

Gorilla Bananas: my wife is more concerned about her clematis.

The fly in the web: now that's not a bad idea. They stock tasers and rubber bullets too, don't they?

Fran said...

Love the carpet of potatoes image!

Steve said...

Fran: fancy some chips?

Kelloggs Ville said...

As soom as I started to read I thought "what that man needs is a water spray" and besides it's great entertainment. My first house had wood chip wall paper, the kittens climbed the walls (literally)and I would spray them. They would slide down all claws out. It looked liked Edward Scissorhands was our lodger. I have a great tip for how to stop them jumping on your work surface - Might be easier if I blogged it though - interested?

Steve said...

Kelloggs Ville: absolutely! Go for it! (Does it involve use of a guillotine?)

joebloggs said...

Just one word

CACTUS!!

John Gray said...

Baby animals....cute and destructive little buggers

Steve said...

Joe: or even deadly nightshade...

John: gods of destruction in every sense.

Clippy Mat said...


Years ago we had a cat who had lots of kittens and before we could find them good homes, they all used to run up the bloody curtains and sit on the top of the curtain rail and 'stare/laugh' at us.
It's a bit of a lost cause trying to reprimand them but you should make an effort (!) to show 'em who's boss!
(good luck with that)
:D

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: I'm hoping a riding crop and a Hitler moustache might work for me.

Being Me said...

I know this helps not one bit, but the visual of those ninja kitties is adorable. Sorry! Off with their heads. Up with the ferns and other foliage... Is that any better?

Jon said...

When are people going to realise that cats are just plain evil? They hate you those kittens and they are out to ruin your house and mess with your head. Next thing you know they'll be hacking into your bank account and sending on a rapid path to financial disaster. Heed my words: trade them in for guinea pigs NOW.

Steve said...

Being Me: I can mail them to you if you like? I may even punch air holes in the box..

Jon: if James Bond had shot Blofeld's pussy he would have saved the world far more effectively.

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

I'm sure your kittens will soon be joining the happy feline group who visit our garden most days and decorate the lawn. We seem to be the communal cat play park for the whole town.

Keith said...

I used to live with a cat who, despite the most luxurious, well appointed litter tray in Christendom, would wreck every potted plant in a five mile radius with it's toxic leavings.

Steve said...

Trish: would you mind wiping their bottoms when they're finished?

Keith: was Monty Don a previous owner?