Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Leamington Is Full Of The Strangest People, no. 4: Anti ID Theft Derek

Having enjoyed a hiatus from gazing at the inevitably hairy naval of my hometown of Leamington Spa, I thought it was about time I resurrected this short series of posts that throw a blogging super trouper onto the underbelly of Queen Victoria’s favourite Spa town…

Today is the turn of Anti ID Theft Derek.

I first encountered Derek in Tesco which in terms of meeting weird people has the highest weird-to-normal ratio of any other venue in the UK (not including Stringfellow’s or Spearmint Rhino or other establishments of that ilk).

Now, Derek is one of those people with a very definite sense of identity. If he was a mallard he wouldn’t be content with cobalt blue and electric green feathers, no, he would be blinging himself up with bird of paradise plumage and other peacockery. Derek, you see, likes a bit of bling. Gold chains (multiple) around his neck; gold chains (multiple) around his wrist and the lot topped off with a porkpie hat resplendent with a red feather erupting up from the headband like a miniature erection.

Identity is a big thing with Derek. You cannot miss Derek. And Derek, I am sure, never fails to miss himself – Alzheimer’s is never going to be in Derek’s genetic makeup though obsessive compulsive behaviour might be.

Now talking of bling has probably given you the impression that Derek is in his twenties. Some thrusting young buck with a uranium knuckleduster hampering his joystick skills. This is not the case. Derek is in his sixties or I am the unwanted love-child of John Lennon and Lisa Tarbuck.

An old(er) man with bling is never a good thing. For one thing it can really disrupt an MRI scan just when you really need it the most.

Anyway, what caught my eye about Derek (aside from the gold accoutrements and the red feather stiffy) was the way he paid for his goods (one bottle of vodka and a four pack of cheap beer). He paid by card – nothing strange in that – but when it came time to punch in the PIN he placed his wallet tight over the machine like a barrier and then sealed the top of it with his own face thus appearing as if he had on a welding mask and was about to administer some kind of industrial coup d’├ętat to the checkout machine. In fact he reminded me a little of that episode of Doctor Who where people had gas masks erupting out of their faces. I half expecting him to start asking the entire shop in a high-pitched voice: “are you my mummy”. Which the cashier would have had to answer no to as he was, well, a he.

Talk about paranoia.

Did he really think I was going to look over his tweedy shoulder, memorize his PIN code and then put it in The Times via some improbable crossword cypher or just publish it on-line in some easy-to-download format for America’s Prism surveillance programme to pick up on?

Plainly Derek has some real identity issues.

He’s scared people are going to want to steal his identity above all others and become the oddball glory that is him.

And I have to say, thinking about it, who wouldn’t want to swan around in a hat that comes complete with its own wafty hard-on?

Exactly.

I rest my case.


16 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Can't you see? He was using pin security as an excuse for a bend-over mating dance. I presume his rump was sticking out in someone's direction.

Nota Bene said...

You think your Tescos is weird...what about this?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-22854447

Poor Derek.....

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: damn. I could have been in there. Literally.

Nota Bene: at least we have proof that it wasn't horse.

Craig said...

It makes our local supermarkets seem positively sane and sorted. In fact I'm probably the oddest one there.
There, I've gone and depressed myself. Next time we need a phone pic of Derek.

the fly in the web said...

I'd better warn mother about Tescos...don't want Derek or a stag's innards delivered with her weekly shop...

John Gray said...

Derek in Tesco


Sounds a hard case

Steve said...

Craig: where do you usually shop? I'm looking for inspiration for no.5 in this series...

The fly in the web: I'd be hard impressed to say which of the two I'd want less stuffed in my freezer.

John: every little helps.

Craig said...

Morrisons or Sainsburys... but for real inspiration you need to head to Wal Mart in the States - there's a whole series of photos on the web of odd people shopping there. Hand on a minute - Asda are owned by Wal Mart. Problem solved.

Trish Burgess said...

Sorry, I should be thinking about Derek but the image of you being the love child of John Lennon and Lisa Tarbuck has stopped me in my tracks.

Steve said...

Craig: blimey, ASDA are only 10 minutes down the road from me. No wonder I've always felt at home in this neighbourhood.

Trish: you're ignoring Derek? That really will give him an identity crisis!

Rol said...

7-6-9-4.

Don't ask me what I had to do to discover that pin number. You don't want to know.

Steve said...

Rol: Derek's hat-band feather was looking very smug today. That's all I'm saying.

John Gray said...

Ps
aside from the gold accoutrements and the red feather stiffy
The best blog line this week

Steve said...

John: one does one's best. Thank you.

Marginalia said...

You dear man, using old(er)!

"Joystick skills" are we obsessing just a bit here.

Steve said...

Marginalia: you had me at "dear man".