Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Look Out Outlook

Back in my younger days, when I was single and had no care to be respectable, I had a joyous relationship with Hotmail.

So much so I had several Hotmail email accounts.

If I wanted to sign up to a web site or a subscription that I wasn’t sure was entirely kosher I would use one of my Hotmail addresses. When I was laundering money for the Triads I put all communications through my Hotmail account Wishywashy@hotmail.com. When I was gun running for Serbian gangsters deals were done via AK47sRUs@hotmail.co.uk. And when I was maintaining several mistresses simultaneously and patronizing a local escort agency I found totalesxclusivityguaranteed@hotmail.com really useful.

*sigh*

Those were the days. I’d log on, log in and frequently be surprised by the various communiques that were often or not waiting for me (frequently not).

And then things changed.

Not so much the getting married, having kids and becoming a 'law abiding citizen' thing. More the Hotmail mutating into Outlook type of thing.

Suddenly me and Hotmail or (if I must use its Snickers name rather than its Marathon name) Outlook (if you insist) became estranged. Suddenly our theme song changed from Dennis Waterman’s “I Could Be So Good For You” to Cliff Richard’s “It’s So Funny How We Don’t Talk Anymore”. We no longer had a thing going on.

Communication between us utterly died until now we barely even make eye contact.

When I try and log in these days all I get is the “I’m sorry, I’m not available right now” brush-off. Sometimes I only have to type the Hotmail address into my browser and I’m cold shouldered to the point where the log in page won’t even load. Outlook just isn’t putting out for me anymore.

See, Hotmail was fine when it was just an email client. When all I wanted was to send crapola and receive spam. We both knew where we stood and neither of us got ideas above our station.

But now Outlook wants to be the conduit through which I CONNECT to the entire effing internet. It wants to hook into my social networks and my own home computer. It wants me to diarize my life solely through its jealous online portal. It wants to store all my contacts and personal information inside its covetous cloud. It wants me to invest more time and energy into it than I’m willing to give. It wants to own me [man] and I didn’t ever come to Hotmail to be owned.

And I could just about cope with all that; I could just about shrug off all the irritation and irksomeness it causes me…

…if just once, just once the damned thing would load up properly first time and allow me to send just a simple sodding email without crashing on me.

Because that’s all I want:

An email account that sends and receives emails.

An email account that works.

Because the Serbs are getting impatient and the pimps are after me for welching on a deal. I’ve got urgent business to attend to Goddamnit!


15 comments:

Nota Bene said...

So that's why my stash has not arrived.

My big problem is that I forgot my password, so I had to invent another and then I forgot my password, so I had to invent another and then I forgot my password, so I had to invent another and then I forgot my password, so I had to invent another and then I forgot my password, so I had to invent another and then I forgot my password, so I had to invent another and then so now I'm confused I can't 'connect' with anyone

Steve said...

Nota Bene: your password really needs to be "password". And then I can get my hands on your stash.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You mean Hotmail still exists? How touching. They must have kept it alive to entice the few remaining old farts who use it to try other things. You could always sign-up for Yahoo. Or gmail if you want the pimps to notice you.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: already done that but nothing says "hip" and "dynamic" like hotmail...

Annie said...

Hi Steve, I'm experiencing the same problems and am just as frustrated with Hotmail, I mean Outlook, as you are! The frequent 'loading' but often not appearing of emails is enough to drive a person to gnaw off fingers. Which browser do you use? I switch between Internet Explorer and Firefox. I do have a googlemail address if desperate to send an email but more often than not, I curse, take a deep breath, then try again! :)

Craig said...

Steve - you do realize that Uncle Barack is reading your posts and such spying doesn't "get" irony or humour?
That said, I've heard many similar stories re Hotmail.
I set up a similar Yahoo account for "junk" emails. 13 years later I'm still using it. Lots of spam but Yahoo catches 99.9% of it and dispenses with it in a spam box.
Bottom line, I don't trust Microsoft further than I could throw them.
Do you have a gmail account?

Craig said...

Sorry I just read your previous reply re Yahoo and gmail. Never mind.

Steve said...

Annie: I use IE... I do have Opera installed; maybe I ought to give it a go in that? If you get access before me please tell Madame Sharpcrack that I'll have to cancel our 3.30...

Craig: I agree with all you say. I think I persist with Microsoft because I know my constantly refreshed ire really pisses them off.

John Gray said...

I have been a loyal hotmail bod for years now.....
Just one email
One password
And 300 spam Aday

Fran said...

Is that why it's so slow to load these days? Aaah, I get it!

Steve said...

John: you're a 300 a day man? That's pretty good going and a helluva lot of Viagra.

Fran: yup. It's all the spam I get from the Chinese mafia that slows the system down. I can do you a good price on fentanyl though.

the fly in the web said...

I opened an Outlook e mail whotsit when Yahoo didn't tell me I'd been hacked and then closed me down when I changed my password.

Day 1...it worked. Since then I see that e mails have arrived...but can I open the things....no.

So the interesting offer from a hit man goers unanswered...I do hope he doesn't get upset with the wrong person...

Steve said...

The fly in the web: if the target is one of the Outlook design team it won't ever be the wrong person.

Marginalia said...

A pen and a piece of paper, an envelope and a stamp. Slow and expensive but you know it'll not be read by half the world's population.

If you really must be high tech and cutting edge; I find a telegram is thrilling and fast!

Steve said...

Marginalia: "you know it'll not be read by half the world's population." Yup. Because there's a 50% chance it will be "lost" and never delivered.