Friday, September 27, 2013

Call Me Mr Science

Professor Alice RobertsI've toyed with the idea of legally changing my name many times over the years.

E.Z. Rider. Ace. Salami Tsunami. Juswan Cornetto.

All these names and more were considered and discounted as not being quite right. Not quite the real me. But finally I've reached a decision I can live with. A name with very material benefits.

Mr Medical Science.

See, it was Professor Alice Roberts that gave me the idea. It seems that, according to a recent report in The Metro, the glorious Professor Alice has decided to donate her body to medical science because she "hopes donating her corpse will help doctors and students to develop their surgery and dissection skills."

Laudable as that wish is I personally think screw the doctors and students I'm a far more deserving recipient. And the added advantage is that unlike the medical fraternity I really don't require Professor Alice to drop down dead anytime soon. I'd much prefer to have her body on weekend loan while it is still living, breathing and pumping blood around her exquisite arteries. She can have it back for work days and documentary shoots for the BBC and things like that. I'm not unreasonable. We can devise a rota.

My only real concern is what I do with all the brains removed from idiots and psychopaths all over the world which are now suddenly going to arrive on my doorstep...

Because I already have one of those.



15 comments:

Nota Bene said...

Oh dear, I think you need to go and lie down...and not with Dr Alice. Really, any excuse to show a picture of a brainy floozy....

Gorilla Bananas said...

One has to admire her devotion to anatomical study and her unsentimental view of the human body. She's the kind of woman who could calmly discuss the qualities of a man's stiffy. I don't think she'd be interested in yours unless it were part of a medical experiment involving 99 other dweebs. Fancy being graded and sorted?

Steve said...

Nota Bene: better a brainy floozy than a brainless floozy I'm sure we all agree.

Gorilla Bananas: if that guarantees sexual intimacy, yes.

the fly in the web said...

Do you mean that the world's governments have already signed up to your services....

Steve said...

The fly in the web: if nothing else they'll make great compost.

Alex Walsh said...

I'm slightly torn in my admiration for Doc Alice. You see, when the BBC were looking for a presenter with anatomical experience (the original remit was I think a bit broader in terms of sciency stuff), my missus who is a qualified field archaeologist specialising in animal bones and human remains excavation/identification went for the job but didn't get it. So Doc Alice owes us. Big time.

Steve said...

Alex: but on the bright side your wife isn't being pestered by my blog posts on a regular basis.

Marginalia said...

Well at least your infatuation doesn't include Prof Brian Cox.

Steve said...

Marginalia: it's OK, my wife has him covered.

The bike shed said...

Almost enough to make me want to be a doctor.

Steve said...

The Bike Shed: nurse?! I think we've got a live one!

Being Me said...

Stephen, you are Incorrigible!

No... really. That's what you should change your name to.

Steve said...

Being Me: Ian Corrigible? Now that has a certain ring to it.

Keith said...

Seriously Steve. Step away from the Dr. Alice now. Put her down and take two steps backwards. It's for your own good.

Steve said...

Keith: but something that feels this right can't be wrong!