Monday, December 29, 2014

End Of Year Arse-Wipe

Like my natural propensity for forgiveness, blogging hasn’t come easy this year. I’ve struggled. Not so much with ideas or subject matter – there is always some kind of fat that my mind is chewing over – but with inclination; the desire to write and by writing, sharing. “I can’t be bothered,” are the 4 most common (non)spoken words that the little voice inside my soul has thrown out at me this year. Can’t be bothered. And if I did write something who would be bothered to read it? Is it worth my time and effort? Will anybody miss it if I don’t write about it. Will anyone miss me if I overdose on Yorkie bars right now and drive my metaphorical 18 wheeler off the petty minded cliff edge of social media?

This is a bit of a turn around. When I first started writing this blog back in the heady days of 2006 my answer to most of the above questions would have been, “of course no one will miss it if I don’t write about it; of course they won’t miss me, mad fools that they are; and no, no-one really will be bothered to read anything at all that I write BUT I don’t care, I want to write it so I shall – if nothing else it will entertain me.”

And therein lies the problem, I fear. I am no longer entertaining myself. But like a starving tramp scouring the floor for dropped popcorn I still feel a duty to turn up at the theatre just in case I find a hot dog.

To be honest the last half of 2014 has been so unremittingly crap I haven’t wanted to write. I haven’t wanted to engage with the stuff that has been happening. Couple that with an estranged relative who has quite viciously taken against me and this here blog and feels I have no right to write about things that directly affect me if they also happen to affect her and has basically condemned my outpourings here as a feeble minded attempt to garner sycophantic approval from a bunch of faceless, equally needy and nerdy peers and you have the recipe for a perfect storm. Or at least a very wet weekend which makes you not want to get out of bed or do anything very exciting at all.

If I was in any way consistent I would stop writing. I would stop this blog and disappear.

But I can’t. I can’t quite give in. Instead I fudge and mither. I seek a halfway house. I try and instigate a cotton-wool rebellion. Softly softly not quite catchy monkey. I throw a hand grenade but make sure nobody is around to get hurt before I pull out the pin. This is not the spirit in which this blog was bathed at its inauguration.

But there you go. Older and wiser and all that. Certainly a darn sight more tired.

And a darn sight more underhand. For a very brief rundown of current events do visit here (most of you who are regular readers will find you have the correct access rights)… the general hoi polloi, however, will be unable to follow.

Sorry for the cloak and dagger stuff but some of it is quite sensitive and I really don’t want to be dealing with the inevitable fall-out from Estranged Relative (who is like the Argentinian Government to my blog’s quite innocent car registration number*).

Not sure if that makes me Jeremy Clarkson or Richard Hammond. Probably more likely to be James May.

So, going into 2015 there is some major booty that needs kicking (or otherwise dealing with). In the midst of all that though there might be the off-chance of acquiring a flattering girdle which may offer an attractive backdrop to some of life’s more sombre moments. But, like helium, so much of it is up in the air at the moment that it’s just not worth buying the balloon until things become more definite.

I will, however, try and reinvest this blog with a little more spirit and vigour in 2015. I will try and reclaim it for myself and go hang the dissenters. Because, maybe, just maybe, life it too short not to.

*Or possibly even the Mel B to my chirpy Micky Flanagan...


Trish said...

Seeing that you had blogged again has just put a big grin on my face. I can empathise with the blogging inertia - I posted a hotel review today but lately have only just managed to do a quick round-up of what's going on. Life and poorly relatives has taken it's toll on me.

Mel B was surely in the wrong programme on Boxing Day evening. What a pain!

Steve said...

Trish: the odd thing is, once I get myself going and write I still enjoy it. It's just not coming naturally at the moment.

London City (mum) said...

You and I should plan a collaboration of sorts.
A kind of warts-and-all-shove-it-where-the-sun-don't-shine glory fest of sheer genial writing with comedic undertones, suitably sarcastic, of course.

Here's to you and 2015.


the fly in the web said...

Full sympathy with the Argentinian relative situation...I too have the over sensitive plants who, while quite capable of trampling over the feelings and interests of others have antennae so sensitive that a butterfly fart in Antarctica is enough to have them raving about their privacy, their opinions, their feelings...

Just hold'll get where you want to be.

Steve said...

LCM: I like the idea of being a collaborator. Totally non-Nazi, of course. And very heavy on the sarcasm. x

The fly in the web: anyone would think I'd set up home on an island whose proximity leads them to believe it belongs to them. Honestly. The nerve of some people!

John Going Gently said...

As a regular reader
I am glad
" glad I TELL YOU GLAD! GLAD!.......GLAD!"
That you are continuing

Gorilla Bananas said...

Ah yes, I now remember the secret blogs you created to tell us all your secrets. I can even remember who the estranged relative is (which might annoy that person even more if he/she reads the comments).

Condolences for all the misfortunes and best wishes for the helium-filled girdle. May it lift your overburdened arse a few metres off the ground to give you one less thing to worry about.

Wanderlust said...

Steve, why don't we trade blogs for awhile? You can write funny and irreverent posts about boobs for my ex, and I'll post cat pictures and bra memes for your estranged and highly sensitive kin person. Or we can grab LCM, form a threesome and chuck out inhibitions to the wind. FWIW, this needy need would miss you. x

Steve said...

John: yer lovely.

Gorilla Bananas: my thanks, gracious gorilla, for your kind wishes.

Wanderlust: hey, I'm always up for a threesome. But there might come a point where I just sit back and watch. I'm not a spring chicken anymore afterall... ;-)

KRC said...

I too would prefer to be James May out of the 3.

Being Me said...

My delicate petal relative told me I was writing "self-aggrandising, fictionalised crap" when my blog was eventually discovered. Never mind it had been chugging along not affecting her one iota, its mere presence on the internet became the cause of all her troubles and the object of her wrath. Of course, said petal then took it upon herself to place my blog directly in her view whenever she felt the need to self-flaggellate (anything but look at herself) - as if I were somehow forcing or goading her - for the next x years. Years! ISP's at work are so obvious, aren't they? The irony is, what I was doing would not possibly have affected her soooo much if she hadn't taken it upon herself to keep reading. I'm a writer, sure, but I hardly have the pull to influence all those in her sphere (or, hell, mine for that matter!). But entirely on the basis of my blog's existence, she has been negatively affected and it is the direct cause of her woes, illnesses, rage, need to estrange herself from me, and inability to look at her OWN SHIT honestly.... or so you'd be forgiven for believing. All because there was this ONE time I chose my teeny tiny corner of the internet ten years ago to vent a small sliver of steam over how I was being mishandled during my period of deep mourning my daughter.

Oh. Is this thing still on? Forgive me, my dear friend, but the parallel was too similar and the opportunity to rage on too tantalising not to go for it.

Way to make extra sure you're being a bastard, 2014! Get those last minute jabs in, why don't you? I'm very sorry, Steve, you're dealing with all this crap, you and your lovely K.

Your impeccable take on the world around you is like a salve. Write a post only once or twice a year if you must. But you must. xx

Fredulous said...

I've been blogging for a couple of years and I've been writing as Fredulous for just over a year now. In the past few months I've found myself with very little time or motivation to write anything. Up until a few months ago the blog was one of the few things keeping me sane during what was a rough time. Putting my thoughts out there provided some release regardless of if anyone even noticed. I considered finishing it because I don't need it to the same extent that I used to. But I've made the decision not to let it go. It has brought me too much joy in the past. I'd rather not throw away any chance that it might do so again.

Steve said...

Kevin: the Stig appeals too...

Being Me: aw shucks... somehow you cab comfort and uplift me all at the same time. A friend indeed... and so know where you're coming from.

Fredulous Yo: good point and a good reason to keep going. Why shut a door if you don't have to?

Between Me and You said...

Vive Le Bloggertropolis! x

John Going Gently said...

If I don't get the chance
Happy new year to you

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: sí maldita derecha!

John: thank you - and to you and yours too.

English Rider said...

Tired and crapful over here also. Thanks for the glimmer of light that your post shone on my morning. I am a little sad that I'm lumped in with those denied access to your deeper truths.
Soldier on, dear boy. It's always better than the alternative:)

Marginalia said...

Mel B who is she? Was she one of those Mice Girls that were all the rage in the mid 1990's?

It's the first time I've been identified as "faceless, needy and nerdy". Brilliant.

Happy 2015....if you can bear it.

Steve said...

English Rider: bung us your email address and I'll see you get access all areas.

Barry: I haven't a lot of choice so I'll give it a go.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

I remember we talked about this inertia last year. I've definitely struggled to keep my blog going this year. I don't want to loose it but I do seem to have lost the oomph. I do actually feel like writing great spleen filled tracts but I'd have to create a new blog for that - and I'd end up being accused of making threats by the NZ Government - jeez WINZ are wimps. Maybe the trouble is that our lives change and our creative needs change accordingly.
Hey, I really checked in to wish you and Karen and the boys a truly great New Year!

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: I've had a go at starting other blogs but I've never been able to summon up the commitment to keep them going... unlike this one I suppose! Thanks for your good wishes... may 2015 be a year of endless positivity for you and yours.

Fresca said...

This reminds me, surely Bartleby, the Scrivener is the patron saint of many a blogger:


"I would prefer not to."

Steve said...

Fresca: I'm yet to familiarize myself with this piece of literature, alas.