Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Blokes

Whilst sitting pleasantly comatosed in front of the TV last night one of those shiny happy femininely positive fashion shows came on and neither Karen nor I had the gumption or the energy to reach for the remote. This particular one was called Twiggy’s Frock Swap and was basically just a televised version of that newest of trends to hit the UK’s Bingo halls and beauty parlours... the clothes swap party.

Premise: get a group of glamorous ladies of assorted ages and sizes together in a warehouse with cartloads of their old clothes and cast-offs and let them swap their clothes in a vaguely entertaining fashion conscious eco-friendly way. The clarion calls runs along the lines of: ladies of Britain recycle your clothes don’t bin them (or send them to starving children in Africa) – it’ll save you money if not wardrobe space!

It was slightly more interesting than the cushion whose soft woolly surface my face was half submerged into.

But while I listened to the glorious voice of Lauren Laverne wash over me like a warm Geordie breeze I had the thought: why don’t they make programmes like this for men?

And the answer hit me almost straight away.

Picture the scene: Gok Wan cakewalks around a group of Weatherspoon’s throw-outs in his high heeled diamante winkle pickers.

“C’mon guys let’s get swapping those g-strings and string vests! Woohoo!”

One shambolic hoody steps forward offering up a pair of torn and faded baggy-arsed Levi’s. “Er. Yeah. I got these to swap.”

Some nerdy looking sci-fi junkie steps hesitantly forward. “Yeah. Cool. Er... I’ll give you a couple of Playstation games for them if you want... Grand Theft Auto and Halo...” He shrugs noncommittally.

Hoody, nodding Noel Gallagher style: “Yeah nice one. Done mate.”

Goods are exchanged. Silence reigns. The men nod mutely among themselves and fidget uncomfortably before the camera.

In the background Gok tears out his hair in long thin oily strips and collapses sobbing to the floor – obviously overcome with the intensely broiling testosterone. The producers meanwhile tear up the series' contract and head out to the pub.

Blokes, you see, we’d just be too damned sensible to be entertaining.

17 comments:

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Funnily enough I am currently trying to sell a programme idea on not dissimilar lines, but good! I am not of course at liberty to say more at this juncture.

Suffice to say if I succeed, I will try and make sure you (and all other men) are transfixed!

Steve said...

As long as I get to own a pair of diamante high heeled winkle-pickers I'm happy. Any chance of free audience tickets?

Inchy said...

When I buy clothes I go into the shop, I try them on, I purchase, I come home. Mission accomplished in a James May-esque surge of sensibility, efficiency and common sense all carried out in a timely manner..

When The Demon buys clothes, well, it is a little more involved than that. It takes all day, obviously, involving meanderings, themes, plots, food and coffee at some point, help, preferably by a friend but from a total stranger if need be, ending up back at the shop she first entered. This is where I come in. I'll receive a text photo of a pair of boots or a bag or a skirt, accompanied by the fateful words "Do I suit these/this?"

I always say yes.

Steve said...

Succinctly put, Inchy. Karen fully admits that 9 times out of 10 she will return to the first shop wherein she spied her desired purchase but must absolutely shop around for the exact same product or one like it elsewhere and even online to ensure she is getting absolutely the best deal. Me, I don't care about saving the odd pound here and there. If what I want is in front of me I buy it, take it home and enjoy it. Mechanical. But it works. James May is a giant among men. But I do wish he'd wash his hair occasionally. I'm not saying use product.... just wash every now and then.

The Sagittarian said...

I think it would work particularly well after a game of thugby when said lads are all as sweaty and smelly as can be...oh er!

Steve said...

Amanda, a communal bath wasn't part of my original concept but, hey, if it garners a sizeable female audience for the show I'm happy to consider it... maybe I ought to do the same thing for this blog to extend its readership?

Rol said...

Real men don't care about clothes. They're there to keep you warm and hide your belly / small penis. Other than that, what use are they?

Steve said...

Pens. Clothes are very good for stashing pens in. It's always useful to carry a pen. And a library card.

Flaming Nora said...

Geordie? Geordie? Argh! Lauren Laverne is from Sunderland, man, which makes her a Mackem!!!

Steve said...

Nora, that squelching sound is me falling onto my sword. I would stand corrected... if it wasn't for the fact I'm lying on the floor gurgling with my own blood. Deepest apologies.

chimesey said...

I saw Lauren Laverne on the pavement in front of me when I used to live In North London. She's incredibly attractive in real life. And a bit more.

Steve said...

There's definitely something attractive about her - gorgeous eyes, great sense of humour, cool accent (mackem - thanks, Nora) and the feeling she's a little bit dirty after a drink or two. Or even without any kind of drink at all. Utterly no fashion sense though. She needs to be Gok Wanned herself.

Daisy said...

i have watched similar when i am visiting the UK and it is astounding to me how women just give into these shows...in the US i think they would just be robbed but i don't know anyone who would willing participate without a gun to their head...

KAZ said...

I just commented on this over at Nora's place.
I wish the wonderful (not Geordie)Lauren had stuck with 'The Culture Show' as this programme gave women a bad name.
I'm mad about clothes and like swapping - but I don't have to shriek and swoon all the time like someone having a multiple orgasm.

Steve said...

Daisy, some people it seems will just do anything to get on TV and 15 minutes of fame is the only gun they need...

I'd happily shriek and swoon in order to have a multiple orgasm, Kaz, but sadly us men are the inferior gender when it comes to the orgasm stakes. I did find myself wondering why Lauren had lowered herself to being a mere "side order" in this odd show. She's an intelligent lass and deserves far meatier subject matter to sink her perfect mackem molars into than ladies of a certain type frothing about off the shoulder crimpolene and slingbacks...

kate5kiwis said...

ha!!!
*love* your BLOKEY telly show dialogue...
X

Steve said...

Sadly Kate, it's a dialogue that features hugely every day in my working life!