Thursday, November 20, 2008

Bleurgh

Apologies for the lack of posting this week – though I’m sure you didn’t miss me – but me and the brood were all struck down by the lurgy.

Not a “cold” lurgy. That’s simple enough and to be expected at this time of year (or indeed any time of the year in the UK). I could have coped with that. No problemo.

Instead our immune systems were introduced to an unwelcome guest in the shape of a disease who I’m sure was the bizarre offspring of an unholy marriage between typhoid and dysentery.

He was a thorough little soul. I imagine him as a rather pale, round faced fellow, with metal-rimmed glasses perched daintily on the end of his nose and a penchant for wearing rubber gloves. Akin to an auditor of bodily functions, he got his feet under the table distressingly quickly and made it his business to go through every little process that related to the ingestion and the expulsion of food. His computations were constant, his calculator buttons hot and we’ve all been heavily taxed as a consequence.

To put it simply: we’ve had both ends on the go at once. We had a run on the family bank, so to speak, and the vaults are now empty.

I’m sure you get my meaning.

This is the first day I’ve felt human again.

This is the first day I’ve not been perched above the toilet or propped, face down, gazing despondently into its Loch Ness depths.

This is the first day I’ve felt in control of my body again.

The auditor has finally left the building.

But be warned, however, folks: he’s looking for lodgings elsewhere. I’m sure of it. I’d keep your account books clean if I were you…

Double entry book keeping isn’t for everyone.

13 comments:

Lucy Fishwife said...

On the plus side, no need for that pre-Christmas diet then...

Steve said...

Funnily enough, Lucy, Karen's reaction once she'd recovered was a beaming "I've lost loads of weight!"

Meanwhile I'm having to be very careful when I step over drains.

Rol said...

Ugh.

Reluctant Blogger said...

I think I'm safe - we all had it a few weeks ago. Although it wasn't quite the same version - just the chucking up.

I didn't lose any weight though. And I could really do to. But that is a rather extreme way of going about it. I think I'll stick with the conventional type of running.

Glad you are better now anyway.

Steve said...

Rol: it was indeed. Very.

RB: yes, I'd much rather be running like Seb Coe than a tap!

Annie said...

I just love the way you write Steve - you even make having the runs sound funny and interesting. Who else but you could do that lol?
As a fellow Warwickshire-ean I'm hoping your myopic little guest is miles away now.
Glad you're over the worst.

Steve said...

Annie, you're kindness itself. As I was hanging my head over the toilet bowl for the fifth time I kept telling myself it was all part of the creative process (creative juices flowing, etc)...

The Sagittarian said...

Hope you remembered to put your toilet rolls in the fridge!!

justme said...

Ummm.....well, I am glad you are all better now, and hoping you do not live close enough to me for me to be in danger!
Nice to see you back. I read but dont often comment.

The Sagittarian said...

Oh dear, poor you! Hope you remembered to put your bog rolls in the fridge? Hope all's well that "ends" well.

Steve said...

Amanda, what a brilliant idea - that would never have occurred to me. Dead handy for grabbing a cheese and onion sandwich when you're "on the go" too...

Thanks Justme, it's nice to be back. I was beginning to feel like one of the zombies from Michael Jackson's Thriller video.

Brother Tobias said...

I thought you'd gone quiet. But that was because your posts aren't popping up on my blogger update dashboard thing. I can only think my virus guard has recognised your unwelcome visitor and shut you down. How clever. Meanwhile, I can look forward to catching up.

Steve said...

Just my luck: a discerning virus guard! I didn't take it amiss, Brother T, as you seemed to have gone quiet of late yourself - nice to know we're both back in business!