Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Not Getting Any

A report on BBC News24 had me choking on my freshly dunked bourbon biscuit this morning. It seems that scientists in Newcastle have successfully bio-engineered their own sperm.

And by their own sperm I don’t mean, like, you know, their own sperm – cos, let’s face it, every bloke I know (with the possible exception of Michael Jackson) bio-engineers their own sperm on a regular day to day basis. It kind of comes naturally. Sorry. No pun intended.

No, these guys have bio-mechanically engineered a whole bunch (gaggle? shoal? flock?) of spermatazoa in a laboratory – possibly in a petri dish, possibly in a test-tube, certainly not in a tissue – from human stem cells.

Now, I know I’m being glib and flippant in my approach to this and I know that the impetus for this research is to help men with low sperm counts bestow the bounteous joy of children upon their female partners but my first thought was: are these scientists utterly mad? They are making men’s role in the procreation of the species totally totally redundant.

Yeah. I know. Some females among you will (quite rightly perhaps) say that we men have been a negligible ingredient in this endeavour for years. Let’s face it a dirty mag, a willing donor and a turkey baster is all a woman really needs to get a bun in her oven.

But where’s the fun in that – for anybody?

You see, my fear is that any kind of scientific research – no matter the honourable motivations that lie behind it – can ultimately be abused and used to the detriment of our species. And in fact probably will be.

I’m amazed this didn’t occur to the research scientists. I mean they have literally rendered the existence of men (except maybe for plumbers) completely unnecessary. Why would they willingly do this?

My theory is that the scientists involved are highly geeky and have never had and never will have girlfriends. They are being motivated by disenchantment and “rejection anger”. Because they are not getting any they’re going to see to it that the whole concept of any is totally removed from the equation of ongoing human life on this planet.

Now some of you women might shrug and say so what, who cares? But the heterosexual woman among you need to bear one thing in mind. If us straight men aren’t getting any. You’re not getting any either.

It’s time to resurrect the Luddites! It’s time to smash the machinery! Before our own machinery de-evolves into redundant protuberances of skin and tissue matter (like the appendix) through lack of use...


21 comments:

Tenon_Saw said...

I'm thinking your other half hasn't seen this post yet. I laughed loudly several times! What a wit you are!

Steve said...

Tenon_Saw: actually she read it just before you did and howled with laughter because I'd typed "doner" instead of "donor" - now corrected thankfully! ;-)

Reluctant Blogger said...

haha well perhaps I am not the best person to comment on this. But that won't stop me.

I don't know about the geeky thing. I heard one of the academics speaking about it on the radio and he sounded very sexy indeed.

I am sure you are quite safe. Most women do seem to like "something up there" as a good friend of mine always says. I don't suppose she has actually carried out any empirical research but she is probably right.

But men will always be very useful for lifting heavy furniture. Only teasing - I often prefer the company of men to women - just not for ones involving bodily fluids.

Steve said...

Gina: Most women do seem to like "something up there"... This really made me laugh... for some reason it puts me in mind of Clive Dunn from Dad's Army - "they don't like it up 'em"... not the kind of association I want in my head when thinking of what women like up there... er... this is getting a bit risque, isn't it?!

Anyway, glad to say that I can shift a sofa with the best of them... in fact I am damned good at handling three piece suites generally...

Er. That wasn't a euphemism, by the way. ;-)

missbehaving said...

I think you hit the nail on the head, if the chaps aren't getting any neither are we, it's a deal-breaker.
At first I read the bit about men engineering their own sperm every day wrong, I thought woah, where is this post going, LOL.

I'm leary of all this bio engineering stuff too, where will it end, round up the scientists ;)

A Write Blog said...

Well Steve, that's the first time I've heard my penis being compared to a redundant protuberance.

I'll just have to use my tongue instead.

Oops, sorry; being a little rude.

Joking apart; nature will have its way and that means men and women will, generally, want to get together.

Who knows; in 100 years people might just have sex for the sheer fun of it rather than have to worry about procreating.

KayDee said...

Ah Steve, I do love your sense of humour though I sense you are being quite serious so I will be too. Clears throat....ahem....

As a red blooded, totally hetrosexual woman I do agree that it would be a sin against womankind to make the male species totally obsolete though in all fairness there are ways of doing without. We don't need to get into that though because it is agreed that the real thing is infinitely preferred.

Like Gina, I prefer the company of men for more than what they offer seminally (is that the right word?) and though I can pretty much do anything without a man's help, moving a refrigerator on my own is still a bit beyond me, so yeah, I think we'll keep you all around a bit longer. :)

Steve said...

Missbehaving: it's a major deal breaker. I like that phrase. I'm going to use it my Luddite manifesto... once I've found a quill and parchment to compose it upon. I'm going the whole hog, me.

AWB: have sex for the fun of it? Sir! What are you suggesting? We'll have the religious ones up in arms (rather than in each other arms)! Egads! This will never do! ;-)

KayDee: thank you for the vote of confidence though I sense from your underlying ethos that men will still been downgraded from babe magnets to fridge magnets. That's not quite what I had in mind...! ;-)

KayDee said...

Fridge magnets!!!! I love it...you are a riot dear Steve. I think I'm going to enjoy visiting you.

Steve said...

KayDee: likewise, my new blogging friend, likewise. :-)

Suburbia said...

"Certainly not in a tissue"! ewww!!!

Laughing my socks of, great post!

Don't worry Steve, there are some of us girls that simply couldn't imagine a turkey baster as a substitute!!

Steve said...

Suburbia: that's good to know. I'd hate to have all the blokes in the world feeling foul about themselves...! ;-)

The Sagittarian said...

Oh Steve, where would we be without you! Certainly one of your best posts yet, NO WAY would you be one fo the redundant ones! The way I see it, guys self-select themselves onto a shelf the same as wimmin folk do, it happens already. Plus apparently you can pop over to some foreighn country and buy a wee dot any time you like. No-one has offered to buy my wee dots yet tho'...PLUS, and sorry to do this to you, it also reminded me a joke that was doing the rounds for years ages ago..."Wankers of the world unite and puul yourselves together".

Steve said...

Amanda: that's true - nobody has offered to buy mine either. I guess they're the wrong ethnicity for the likes of Madonna...! ;-)

Owen said...

Ahh Steve... what terrible fates await us, us poor wankers of malehood...

Well, you know what happens to huge numbers of appendices (pl. of Appendix ???) every year ?!? They get lopped off at the hospital and tossed in a medical incinerator... head for the hills !!! Hide in a cave !!! They're not getting mine !!!

You are really too funny sometimes !!! I'm off to work snorting with laughter now...

@ Amanda ! Bad Amanda !!! Pull yourselves together indeed !!! Definitely something a fast woman might come up with !!! LSHIPMP !!!

Steve said...

Owen: a vast appendix mountain (appendices mountain?) seems a complete waste, especially when there are so many people hungry in the world. I think somebody needs to reopen Sweeney Todd's Cheap Pie Emporium to help feed the masses in these times of global recession and international economic turn-down. Of course a couple of cheap chipolatas for the old barbecue would go down well too... just as long as my proud cumberland is kept well out of the pastry and attached to my person...! ;-)

As for bad girl Amanda - I wonder if she's ever tried bar-maiding...? Could she pull a pint, do you reckon? ;-)

EmmaK said...

I don't think it matters if sex and reproduction ultimately become totally separate. Straight women will always have a craving for your dangly bit of flesh fear not!

Steve said...

Emma: thank you. Nice to know that there will always be a market for my dangly bits. I'm sure the same will always be true of yours. ;-)

Owen said...

OK ! That's IT !!! I'm definitely not eating any more dubious ground up meat products again anytime soon like sausage or hotdogs or the like... god only knows what may be getting slipped in there... appendix mountain indeed ! LOL !

@ Amanda, ok, do you have any bartending experience ? In view of some of your drink recommendations I'm thinking you might...

Makes me think of the old Tug of War game where two opposing sides tug on a rope to try to pull the other side over a line... and they all yell in unison, "PULL ! PULL ! PULL !" Nice images come to mind !

Clippy Mat said...

sorry, i couldn't get past 'scientists in newcastle have successfully bio-engineered their own sperm."
the 'scientists in newcastle' part. what?
being an expat geordie i was just overcome with pride when i read that my fellow geordie men were now branching into science. how things have changed since i last lived and walked among this lusty brood... then i read the part about sperm and i realized; same old same old. they haven't evolved THAT much then.

;-)

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: howay pet, divn't be so hard on em, pet!