Wednesday, October 14, 2009

On The Run

Regular readers of this blog will have “heard” me speak about my Polish (ex)neighbours before. Particularly daddy Pole who liked to wear shorts so tight it was like looking at a couple of vacuum packed faggots stapled to an all-in wrestler’s crotch.

Well, there have been developments.

They disappeared a couple of months ago amidst loud telephone conversations in their native tongue that we could hear quite plainly by standing on top of the kitchen counter and pressing a stethoscope to the wall. The conversations sounded stressed and urgent. They were obviously trying to book last minute flights at the nearest international airport. We assumed they’d decided to cut their losses in recession hit Britain and were heading back to their motherland.

Once they were gone we thought no more of them except to occasionally reminisce whimsically about the stressed faggots.

And then we received a letter from a debt collecting agency last week enquiring very stiffly if we knew of their exact whereabouts (the family and the faggots).

It seems they’d racked up quite a bit of debt and had decided to jump ship before the bailiffs arrived to confiscate their Nintendo Wii.

Not sure how I feel about it really. Part of me – possibly the slightly xenophobic part of me – feels a little put out that they came to this country, made good with our products and services and then left without paying their dues.

But the biggest part of me, if I’m honest, thinks good luck to them. Keep your heads down and keep running!

I’d like to think of them growing ridiculous moustaches and wearing incongruous sunglasses on the Costa del Sol somewhere. Possibly having dealings with the European underworld or local mafia. Obtaining new identities, false passports, new dental records. Maybe even having eye transplants like Tom Cruise in Minority Report – though I admit this might be taking things a little bit too far.

I also find it amusing (though it’s an awful joke) that this dear Polish family have absconded without paying council (poll) tax... even though it’s effectively cocking-a-snook at the local authority that pays my wages.

Anyway, I’m checking the Interpol web site regularly now.

Keeping an eye out, keeping ‘em peeled. Scanning the Most Wanted lists.

I’d recognize those freshly pressed faggots anywhere...


31 comments:

Gypsy said...

LOL....I know you had a fair bit of trouble with these neighbours so I'd be wishing them god speed to wherever their destination is and let's hope no-one recognises the faggots...LOL.

Steve said...

Gypsy: I somehow doubt I shall see their like again. Nor the neighbours.

Suburbia said...

Hee hee, I'll have that picture of faggots in my head all night now!

Steve said...

Suburbia: apologies in advance for any faggot-based nightmares... (it's bad enough that I have to suffer them)!

KAZ said...

I like your attitude Steve.
Funny how we are more empathetic to people in retrospect.

Steve said...

Kaz: it's when people are still around that they foil all our attempts to like them...! ;-)

Clippy Mat said...

ooh count your blessings i'd say.
(thanks for THAT visual image which won't go away)
;-)

missbehaving said...

In return for a good laugh this morning I'll have the image of the faggots with me all day.Thanks! ( I think).

The Sagittarian said...

I'll keep an eye out for them down this way, altho' it has suddenly got cold again so certain things may be harder to spot (no pun intended).

Steve said...

Clippy Matt: always pleased to serve the nation a choice poetic image...!

MissBehaving: there is indeed something indelible about the image. I wish I'd taken a photo of them now.

Amanda: I think the "moustache" will give them away.

Gina said...

It's a long time since I had faggots.

Oh yes, good luck to them if they can get away with it. It would be rather fun to try and track them down though, wouldn't it? Set up an online Hunt them Down campaign. Poor souls.

Perhaps you should mention in passing to the new tenants that InterPol are keeping a close watch on the house - it might make them behave. On the other hand I guess they would probably just turn loud music on the whole time so the Interpol bugging devices didn't work.

Life is just so complicated. I am sure it was simpler in the days when I ate faggots!

French Fancy said...

I remember your Polish (ex) neighbours - good anecdotal fodder. As for moonlight (or daylight) flits - I must be very old-fashioned (goodness, I feel some righteous indignation bubbling up inside) - I think people should pay for things and not do a runner when they can't. Call me reactionary, call me traditional, call me madam.

Nota Bene said...

I'll never be able to eat faggots again. Polish or otherwise.

Steve said...

Gina: I sometime wonder if life has ever been simple. Sometimes I think the only thing that has ever been simple has been faggots. But I may be mistaken over them too.

FF: Yes madam! ;-)

Nota Bene: They've very over-rated. I usually find them a bit chewy.

The Crow said...

Oh, this is the best post I've read so far today. Really made my day; great humor.

:)

Steve said...

The Crow: that's a compliment indeed - thank you. Do hope you'll fly by here again. I shall certainly be winging my way over to your place...

Löst Jimmy said...

Were they wearing curly wigs per chance?
I could have sworn I saw them in my local Co-op this afternoon while I was shopping for my latest post-factory black out ingredients

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: curly wigs, fake Liverpudlian accents and a penchant for say "eh? eh?" every two seconds... hmm. I wouldn't put it past them, you know...

Rol said...

I'm sure they'll give your name as a character witness when they're caught.

I would.

Steve said...

Rol: they'll be goin' dahn fer a long stretch in that case, matey!

As for your-good-self... Do you think they'll catch you soon? Are they even looking for you? Should I tip them off?

skatey katie said...

pffff
POLL tax.
possibly funny after three froiday noight beers...
hahahahaha X

Steve said...

Katie: anything is funny when combined with beer and a Friday night...!

Owen said...

Am late getting here, and visibly all the good comments have been made already by the distinguished crowd that drops in here regularly... but I would just submit that perhaps it was your polish neighbors who were on the kitchen counter with a stethoscope listening to you not so long ago when you were (perhaps loudly) extolling the virtues of becoming a pirate in Somalia... if you do decide to tip off Interpol, you may want to suggest the search along the Somali coast... and funny, now I'm wondering what "faggots" are here... in America the word has a heavily charged pejoritive meaning as a derogative slang term for male homosexuals, that causes most people to shy away from even vocalizing it any more... even when referring to "a bundle of sticks"... but there is evidently another meaning here concerning something edible ??? Am going to have to look it up, obviously my education was deficient... but again, few people in America would speak in public about eating faggots, chewy or otherwise (!).

A fine weekend to you and family...

Steve said...

Owen: believe it or not I completely forgot about the other meaning of the word. I did, of course, mean faggots as in faggots...! ;-)

Sweet Cheeks said...

I laughed about the faggots....because I was thinking of all the meanings and interchanged them to suit my ridiculous sense of humor...

I find annoying neighbors are infuriating while they live by you...and funny after they're gone.

love ya!

Steve said...

Sweet Cheeks: I always miss them when they're gone and think "Oh - they weren't so bad. At least compared to the new ones..." As Joni Mitchell once sang: you don't know what you've got till it's gone!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I have a neighbour who appears to live in a pair of frankly indecent pale grey jogging bottoms which cling where they shouldn't, evidently without the collaboration of underpants underneath to stop it all swinging free. He is a young doctor and Swedish with a young German wife and infant daughter so presumably he is not about to rack up a load of debt and disappear.

Perhaps it is a good general rule of thumb never to trust a chap who's dodgy in the trouser department though.

Owen said...

Steve ! Thanks so much for the link to a more comprehensive definition... I enjoyed reading about "Faggots and Peas", and Mr Brain's Faggots... (he wrote while laughing...)
;-D

A Write Blog said...

Unaccompanied faggots!!....hmmmmm.

I have this image of you craning to listen to this Polish conversation..........and understanding it??? You understood they were booking flights.

What is 'flight' in Polish? Or for that matter, 'disguise' or 'moustache'

Shall we satrt calling you Scztyvsky?

Steve said...

Laura: "never to trust a chap who's dodgy in the trouser department" should be on T-shirts everywhere and possible made part of every school curriculum worldwide.

Owen: Brains faggots are always the best. Good for the old cerebellum...! ;-)

Steve said...

AWB: I can't understand a word of Polish (except maybe "Polski Sklep" which I think means Polish Shop" or thereabouts) but can put two and two together when listening to pigeon English...!