Friday, April 09, 2010

Powerpointless

We all have friends I am sure - good friends - who send us funny emails.

Like an unending electronic game of pass the parcel they receive funny emails from their friends, pass them onto some other friends who don't know the original friends and these people will in turn then pass the email onto even more friends who didn't know they had these friends in the first place. On and on it goes and no-one really gets the present.

I bet such activity accounts for 90% of the world's email traffic.

And by and large I don't have a problem with it. Some of the funny emails are actually funny. Some - Heaven forbid - are even informative though this is a rare occurrence. It's a lazy way of keeping in touch with people, I guess. I've received an email from so-and-so therefore I can deduce that they are not yet dead and still have some sort of sense of humour and a working email account.

The emails I do have problems with are the Powerpoint presentations.

You know the ones. The chain letter ones. The mildly threatening ones. The ones that wheeze through 80 frames at one frame every 90 seconds containing a ridiculous sob story sourced from an origin that must be buried deep in the biggest pile of bullshit in the universe.

And then at the end - the thing that really gets my goat - is the "threat". The threat that is bollocks. The threat that you and I both know is utter tosh (because we're sane, well adjusted and media savvy) but that someone (the sender of the email) thinks... ooh, there might be a chance this is real and if I don't forward it I'll have the voodoo put on me... and so they send it. The threat that uses people's own absurd and ungrounded superstitions against them.

You must forward this email to at least 10 other people within the next 15 seconds or bad luck will befall you. But if you do send it you will receive a telephone call within the next hour with some wonderful news!

Gaah!

I want to scream every time I receive one of these. Instead I just delete them immediately but this is in no way cathartic enough. I need a program that will somehow mangle the offending file like a werewolf snacking on a rabbit. I want to hear it scream and gargle in its own electronic blood as it is rendered subroutine from subroutine.

These emails are pathetic. I can't believe that there are people out there who actually spend their time making the damned things in the first place. Who the hell are they? Does anybody know who they are?

Of course not. Because they can't possibly have any friends.

But then again... how do they start the chain in the first place if they have no-one to send it to?

No matter. I just want these people identified and their Adobe Photoshop / Microsoft Office licenses revoked. And then I want them publically lynched and force-fed their own kahunas. And I want it filmed and put on YouTube so I know that it has been done to my highly esteemed satisfaction.

Wonderful. I can then email you all the link.

Please would you all be kind enough pass it on?


36 comments:

Selina Kingston said...

Oh! I am so with you on this one. And that also, they are forwarded on by quite sane people who I can't for a moment imagine that they actually believe "something amazing" will happen if they send this on to 140 people.....
What is wrong with the world??

Gappy said...

I will pass it on.

I have a friend who sends me similar chain texts. No threat at the end but always some mawkish message saying what a wonderful person I am and I must send this text on to 10 more wonderful people in order to spread the wonderfulness or something (gak.)

I always just delete them too. Can't quite work up the courage to tell her not to send them to me though (coward.)

Steve said...

Selina: I really do think people disengage their brains when dealing with these emails. They are just electronic junk mail at the end of the day! If people received them in hardcopy they'd soon get annoyed with them!

Gappy: the mawkish ones are the worse because they often stop people from doing something "real" to make the world a better place... I'll just forward this email of fluffy kittens and my good deed for the day is done..., etc.

I can't quite work up the courage to say "stop sending me this emails" too - mainly because I did it once and didn't hear from the person ever again. I don't miss the fluffy kittens though.

French Fancy said...

I'm with you wholeheartedly on this one. I have a cousin whom I like very much but she is a sender of drivel such as this. Like Gappy I also don't have the heart to put her right and it does cloud my view of her a bit. Judgemental? Me?

Steve said...

FF: I'm beginning to think that somebody needs to make a mawkish Powerpoint presentation (with optional fluffy kittens) that says to people "please stop sending me crap like this (and then somebody will ring you in the next ten minutes with some wonderful news"...!

EmmaK said...

Another thing that really pisses me off is people at my kids school using the school directory to advertise to me. There is one lawyer woman who mails me stuff about her legal services (like I give a fuck) and another who emails me about her gig doing folk singing. Fuck off I'm not interested. But they've got me over a barrel because you can't exactly go up to some other mum and say look love can you stop spamming me - only spam me if you want to give me free cupcakes okay?

Steve said...

Emma: using the school directory? That's outrageous! I think you'd be perfectly justified in asking these leeches to stop spamming you. Cupcakes are fine. Everybody wants cupcakes. Legal services can screw themselves.

Clippy Mat said...

endless drivel.
it never stops.
and the power points?
what's with the spelling and language in them?
who writes these things?
annoying!

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: I am totally against cruelty to animals but whenever I see a Powerpoint presentation featuring fluffy kittens I want to go out and shoot some.

Joe Bloggs said...

Knowatcher mean, Steve (I fink... cess he foam hiss presumpstuous chair)

Boot before High schwung intoo highgear Aye moosed prucktice Migh sinkzonk...

"I'm driftin/icely a lunk in my khan'oo/aven't god a paddle so ham makindooh/witdaphew/wishish værri niece ear on sea blaudantube
Untash Ierreproach the what?erfall / Iwhippxout memobile antmach ahkall...
Zoopamahn!Whirrahh yahnuaw? Highnaughwt heavybooby knætz jaw elp sum+how+now
Andover the hedge Ego/downenter seafoam/Shooter læstinto mummy/ Vennshe said all roams leeto road

hmph! bach tozi powhapointless -

Ash a highstrum fellow Hide say; Hang'em hi and buy the bye: Hash a solo (boiling wartypoguy) bouy Oil've said sumping loike
Knock, knock
Who dares?
Foire
Foire who?
Foire the choir and letch play musical chairs, cheers

Eyewash juiced gunner deleathis bout Hum gunner let it stanza

Steve said...

Barman! I'll have a pint of whatever Joe's having!

Sweet Cheeks said...

Nope...I just tell the offending sender straight out...

PLEASE STOP SENDING ME SPAM.

Then I send them a thank you e-card.

It works.
=]

Steve said...

Sweet Cheeks: now that is style. Nice to see you back. ;-)

Alienne said...

I agree entirely and if you ever find a programme like that I'd be interested. I am happy to get decent jokes (and I have had some very funny circulated e-mails) but I hate the chain letter type and I delete them immediately too.

The Sagittarian said...

Oh and they usually have some vomitty lift-music to go along with them, which instantly starts playing super loud....let's get a possy organised right now! You can be Sherriff.

Mark said...

So irritating when I get these. And people who spread viruses - I really want that lot strung up.

Steve said...

Alienne: if I ever find one you'll be the first person I tell.

Amanda: and you can be the deputy. Let's clean this e-town up.

Mark: cool. And now we have the lynch mob. We're all good to go I reckon.

Heather said...

or else we all suffer from some terrible plight?

Steve said...

Heather: yup. You'll never be lucky again. Never.

lunarossa said...

Ditto. I immediately delete the chain PPTs! I go so far that I sometimes the real PPT files that I receive to translate!!! That's probably the curse of the "broken chains". Ciao! A.
PS Wonderful weather in Yorkshire today. Merci!

Steve said...

Lunarossa: I blew as hard as a could - I figured I could spare you a little. But don't get too used to it... ;-)

skatey katie said...

gaah.
and then they have the cheek to ask ya if ya got the email/text/crap they sent last week...
gaahhhhhh again X

femminismo said...

Oh, oh! A "badmood" tag on this one. Warning, Steve's on a rant. But turns out, it's a perfectly fine rant. Ooh, those fluffy kittens would spit and hiss if they knew they carried threats like "send this on or else." Hate them too!

Steve said...

Katie: the worst is when they demand an electronic read receipt...

Femminismo: I think we could build an army on this one. Are you with me people?!

Suburbia said...

Hee hee! Yes I agree, and I ALWAYS delete.
(Now why do I have the sensation of being stuck with pins on a regular basis?!)

Old Cheeser said...

I think it's in human nature - okay, let's modify that a bit - in the nature of slightly, shall we say, more gullible people, to want to believe that good things will come their way if they do the right thing. Superstitiousness, then? I admit I have succumbed to these things in the past - I used to receive of them when I worked in an office, but as I don't do this for a living anymore, I hardly get any. Pity. Not. Okay, so we will all want happiness in our lives and given the opportunity, will do what it takes to achieve that, but at the end of the day this "You must forward this..." stuff is scaremongering and playing on people's guilt and fears ... so yep for the most part, I agree with you, Stevenage.

Steve said...

Suburbia: it's certainly not me giving you the voodoo! I think delteing this emails is performing a service for mankind and you should be rewarded.

OC: another recruit! You're right - it is all superstition and though I recognize I have some of those leanings too (who doesn't?) I hate them in myself. They're absurd and restricting and a throwback to a more primitive time.

Tracey said...

I'm with you on this too. I hate the lucky charm emails too.. load of tosh.

I love the funnies and often stick one thats really made me chuckle, on my blog to share with fellow bloggers.. i am warped though and not many comment on these posts hahaha

Tracey
http://theramblingsoftracey.blogspot.com/

Owen said...

Hey Steve, I'm late getting here, was too overwhelmed deleting spam e-mails... the authors of which should be forced to eat Spam until they explode...

You know, the people that create these scourges have university degrees that say things on them like B.S., M.S., or even Ph.D....

Which stand for Bull Shit, More Shit, and Piled Higher and Deeper...

But you knew that already, I'm sure. I like the scream and gargle part... yes, that is exactly what they need. Between the bank scam letters which you wrote about a while back, and these threatening voodooish chains, I think they are coming from Witch Doctors in Africa. Evil Witch Doctors !

Steve said...

Tracey: hello there. I've very occasionally "posted" a funny email too - but they have to be pretty special. Thanks for dropping by; I shall pop over to yours shortly!

Owen: not the Somalian pirates again? As for the spam... I wonder if these "profs" play the famous Monty Python song in the background while they cut and paste cheap birthday card verses over pictures of maimed kittens in their e-tosh factory in Vancouver...

TheUndertaker said...

Haha, I am with you 100%. As soon as I see the said line of 'if you don't send this to a squillion people NOW' etc, I hit delete button instantly.
I also email people back saying to please take me of their list and NEVER to send me another one again because I will NOT respond. I also tell them (if I know them) that i already think they are a nice, lovable person, and they don't need to get it in a threatening email. Unless they keep sending me the same crap, or I might change my mind...

Steve said...

TheUndertaker: I admire your stance and your honesty in approaching the senders so upfrontly. I probably ought to do the same. But then what would I rant about on my blogs?

absurdoldbird said...

Be thankful that the Powerpoint chainmail you get is in English. Mine arrive via a South American relative, usually in Spanish. I delete them.

Steve said...

Absurdoldbird: a foreign language? I'd welcome the change - and, as you say, even more excuse to delete them out of hand.

Anonymous said...

Hello,

This is a question for the webmaster/admin here at bloggertropolis.blogspot.com.

May I use some of the information from your post right above if I give a link back to your website?

Thanks,
John

Steve said...

Anonymous: I guess so. And split any money you make as a result with me 50/50.