Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Leamington Is Full Of The Strangest People, No. 2: Pooper-Scoop Pete

And so to continue with this sporadic series of Leamington vignettes (you can read the first one here if you are so minded) may I introduce you to Pooper-Scoop Pete?

I don’t know if Pete is his real name; I chose it purely for alliterative purposes and thought it sounded better than Turd Trowelling Trevor.

I encountered Pete last Friday as I made my way on foot to my employer’s HQ. Despite the day being so hot it would have melted Katie Price’s breast implants down to her ankles Pete was fully togged out in a tweed suit complete with matching waistcoat. And he was wearing a yellow shirt which I suspect (though cannot confirm) was buttoned right up to his Adam’s apple. He was sporting a full beard in a kind of way that said, “Yes, ruffian, even my face is properly dressed despite the excessive balminess of the weather”.

But strange though his appearance may have been it was not his sartorial qualities that attracted my eye... my eye that seeketh the strange and the paranormal in this bizarre worlde of Leamington upon the Spa.

No. It was the fact that he was very painstakingly picking up a large dog poo from the pavement.

And yet he most definitely did not have a dog. He was totally dog-less.

Worst of all his method of turd collecting was the old “stick your hand in a plastic bag and pick it up with your fingers and then turn the bag inside out” technique. Thus through the thin veneer of the plastic one can fully experience both the ambient temperature and the texture of the poo one is handling.

He had an old fashioned brown satchel slung over his right shoulder. I didn’t see him do it but I suspect the bagged up log was deposited within its leather innards.

The actions of this dedicated sausage removal expert have left me perturbed and confused. I mean why collect dog poo from the streets when you patently don’t have a dog in your possession?

Subsequent speculation on this conundrum has resulted in the following theories (do feel free to add your own):

1) he does indeed own a dog and said dog dropped a length earlier in the day but he found himself plastic bag-less and thus, being conscientious and mindful of his public duty, he returned at his next convenience to remove the offending article.

2) the government is funding some bizarre and secret research into the anti-personnel properties of canine faeces and Pete is collecting samples of the stuff to develop an anti aircraft missile that has true dirty bomb attributes.

3) Pete has a dog log fetish that has resulted in an entire backroom of his Edwardian terraced house (there are a lot of these in Leamington Spa) being given over to his personal “walnut whip” collection – all sorted and displayed according to size, bouquet, and canine breed (worked out using a clever algorithm that uses the diameter of the log to calculate the size of the canine rectum and therefore the most likely breed of the dog). This collection has been kept secret from his elderly mother who lives in a rocking chair in his loft and persists in calling Pete Norman.

Needles to say, I left Pete to his scatological endeavours and hastened on my way to Work’s HQ, praying that I would never have cause to see the insides of that buckled brown leather satchel that was visibly weighing down his right shoulder...

Leamington, eh? It’s full of the strangest people.


32 comments:

Kelloggsville said...

perhaps Pete had had his laptop nicked and was planning a trap for the next culprit that grabbed his satchel which appeared (on the surface) to be ambient weigh of laptop

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

Shit Shovelling Shaun?

Steve said...

Kellogsville: nice idea - retribution and crime prevention. I like that.

Trish: ha ha! Or maybe Crap Collecting Colin? ;-)

the fly in the web said...

Good job they've stopped 'stop and search' then...some policeman could be off on full pay for post traumatic stress if he decided to investigate that satchel..

Being Me said...

Or mayyyyybe... he was bagging the next addition for your work bin?!?

Steve said...

The fly in the web: it wouldn't be the first time they'd got their hands dirty, I bet.

Being Me: eeeeew! Not nice! :-S

Suzanne said...

Poo Pilfering Pete - maybe off to play a weird and wonderful game of Pooh sticks?

Steve said...

Suzanne: only if they're floaters...! ;-)

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I agree with Kelloggsville's theory.

Steve said...

Laura: hmm. But is this the kind of vigilante action we want to encourage? Aren't we just going to have a lot of criminal types running around with poo-ey hands?

Wanderlust said...

I think he's just looking for something to throw in your bin.

Steve said...

Wanderlust: I hope not. I'd have a difficult job explaining a dog turd to the cleaner. Or indeed any kind of turd.

Rol said...

I think this is a worthy enterprise and this gentleman is to be applauded. In fact, if you don't want him in Leamington, send him up to Slawit. We're overrun with dogshit on our local byways.

Steve said...

Rol: I'm really not sure his satchel will be big enough...

Heather said...

I'm going with disgruntled poo stepper, who once soiled his favourite loafers with a unpicked up dog turd, got fobbed off by the council when he complained and is now picking up all the dog turns he can find to post to said council offices in protest/further explanation/revenge.

He's probably the sort that starts petitions.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I am sniggering at 'dog log', I really am immature.

EmmaK said...

Intriguing...I would have asked Pete point blank whether he was employed to clean up dog shit or what his motivation was. It's good to see that some paranoid schizos put their obsessions to good public use.

Steve said...

Heather: hmm, you may have a point. I may have to start opening the mail at work in marigolds.

Very Bored in Catalunya: "I really am immature" - all the best people are. ;-)

Emma: that's very true. I'm thinking of advertizing in the local paper for an OCD sufferer to come and clean my house.

The Sagittarian said...

Woopsie Walloping Warren?

Steve said...

Amanda: he he! Log Lovin' Lionel?!

Nota Bene said...

Trevor's never a good name...

...Faeces feeling Frank?

Steve said...

Nota Bene: Manure Mangling Marvin?

lunarossa said...

Steve, what about writing a book about all these fellows? You seem to have quite a lot of "raw material" in Leamington...So funny. Ciao. A.

Steve said...

Lunarossa: it's definitely an idea. Or even a sitcom. Or maybe a Broadway farce...!

lunarossa said...

Can you get George Clooney in it please? I will be your director...Ciao. A.

Steve said...

Lunarossa: I don't think even George Clooney would look good manhandling doggy-doo-doo...

vegemitevix said...

I think he's a vengeful lover collecting up samples to post off to Irene who dumped him!

Steve said...

Vegemitevix: "dumped" being the operative word...! ;-)

LöstJimmy said...

Remarkable...you've managed to combine a melting Katie Price and canine faeces in the same blog-post...Steve my dear fellow I salute you!

Steve said...

LöstJimmy: to be honest the two went together like bread and jam...!

femminismo said...

Steve, I couldn't resist and copied and pasted your Poop Post into writing analysis: I Write Like. You, Steve, write like David Foster Wallace, the author of "Infinite Jest" and other cerebral, witty tomes! How great is that? (Oh, Dump Desirous Donald - he might be saving them, like you said)

Steve said...

Femminismo: David Foster Wallace, eh? Not a writer whose work I am familiar with... and yet I am suddenly feeling the pull as if from a kindred spirit...! ;-)