Thursday, September 09, 2010

Baps, Craps & Taps

The lovely Dr Alice RobertsI’m loving the new Stats link on my Blogger Dashboard and, judging from the number of posts of a similar nature to this one, so are lots of other bloggers.

Now of course it’s interesting to see which countries people are reading your blog from, which web sites are referring readers to your carefully crafted missives but really what any self respecting blogster / webster wants to know is what people are searching for when Google throws up your pearly white blog before their swinish eyes.

I was imaging some high falutin’ search terms like “leamington novelist”, “people’s poet” or “literary giant”.

But no.

People are coming to my blog via the following keywords:

alice roberts skinny dipping
"debbie does dallas" "2 disc" dvd
naughty why men don’t skinny dip
plumbing"blogspot.com"


And for some strange reason:

aid for constipation in dogs

Basically, as the title of this post suggests, baps, craps and taps.

In fact, the search terms that make reference to Alice Roberts outnumber everything else by an alarming amount and are always and inevitably combined with the words “skinny dipping” or “in a pool naked”. Although one dyslexic Alice Roberts fan wanted to see her skinny diping – not quite sure what that involves but it plainly requires the p to be taken.

It doesn’t take a brainiac to deduce that Alice Roberts is a popular girl and my bloggerly admiration for her drives a huge audience my way with not much effort on my part at all. Hence I’m mentioning her a lot in this post and even posting a picture of her above, complete reprobate and media whore that I am. Come and get her guys; here she is!

So. To conclude. Nobody is here for the fine writing, for elucidation, for philosophizing of the most noble and high minded kind. You’re here for the sex, the innuendo, the eye candy and the canine version of Imodium.

I’m so glad to be of service.


39 comments:

French Fancy... said...

It's interesting that Blogger are incorporating this as part of their package - especially as I signed up for three years of neoworx tracker to do more or less the same thing (although that was with my old blog).

How did the majority of people find my old blog - they searched for clever stuff like 'thai girls ping pong balls' and 'glove fetishists'. Sophisticated times, eh?

Steve said...

FF: Thai girls ping pong balls...? Isn't that (according to Boris Johnson) the sport formerly known as whiff-whaff...?!

the fly in the web said...

I had one looking for huge fannies...and I thought...why does he she or it suppose...then remembered I had blogged about the boule de fort game where the loser has to kiss Fanny.
Must stop being paranoid....even if one blogger does strike me from his blog roll every time I am less than complimentary about the Catholic church in France.
Which is quite often.

Steve said...

The fly in the web: ah - I missed a trick there. Maybe I ought to write a review of Mansfield Park so I can pick up all the "fanny" searchers? I should think Fanny Price will go down a storm.

Ooh. That sentence alone should net me all the internet sex seekers!

Gina said...

Ah I didn't know Blogger was doing this now. I am out of touch.

When I had a searchable blog, the biggest hit was always "dog poo". I'd get hundreds for that just because of one post I wrote ages ago.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Ooh you don't want to give your dog Imodium, not for constipation, they'll never go... and who would pick up all the dog logs in Leamington Spa then...

Steve said...

Gina: other people's interest in the scatalogical always amazes me. Either that or Gillian McKeith is spending a lot of time on the internet...

Very Bored in Catalunya: Pooper Scoop Pete could get another job as dog log unblocker. And possibly another name.

Keith said...

The three big guns - LOVE SEX DEATH

If you can satisfy all three we'll just keep reading.

Steve said...

Keith: what? At the same time?! Hmm. I may be about to invent the world's first snuff blog...

LöstJimmy said...

You'll never go wrong with some decent innuendo and pornesque buzzwords to boost the traffic heh heh..cough, splutter

Steve said...

LöstJimmy: I'll have to set myself a target of 10 porn-words per post to boost ratings. I may get to the point where I can sell advertizing space.

Alienne said...

I have never bothered with all the stats stuff or visitor counters - perhaps I should have a play with it sometime.

FF - the searchers for thai girls and ping pong balls could just be fans of Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Curry Queen said...

I absolutely love those stats! I've had people searching for Vomit, Stupid names for kids and Arrogant Tossers amongst other gems, some of which I don't even remember including!

Being Me said...

As if the post wasn't hilarious enough, I am now imagining Poop scoop Pete in a somewhat more unsavoury and shad role. It's not pretty. Dog unblocking never is.

Steve said...

Alienne: lol re: Priscilla - "me your wife!"

Curry Queen: vomit? I'm surprised those same people haven't come by here as well!

Being Me: I'd imagine some kind of specialist tool would be needed. And rubber gloves. Lots of rubber gloves.

Heather said...

despite having some pretty pornoriffic titles and posts on my blog, including ones about vaginas, sex toys and naked parties, i get a disappointingly low amount of porn seekers.

Must try harder.

Steve said...

Heather: "harder". Now that would do it. ;-)

misssy m said...

I have a confession- I dunno who Alice Roberts is.

I was looking for "Leamington novelist"...

Steve said...

Misssy M: Alice Roberts is a British anatomist, osteoarchaeologist, anthropologist, television presenter, and author but alas doesn't live in Leamington. I, however, do and have written a novel. You found me!

The Sagittarian said...

Must try that do-daffry...I found your blog by reading Flaming Nora! I recall the day ever so clearly, of course, and am ever so glad I stumbled across your fabulously witty blog! (ahem).

Steve said...

Amanda: what a glorious day that was! And in return I discovered your blog, your spirited internet friendship and your humour and was granted special permission to sleep in your rabbit hutch should I ever visit NZ. I fear we shall not see the like of those days again!

Nota Bene said...

Oh now I remember why I came here in the first place...still looking for the porn...

Steve said...

Nota Bene: it's out the back, under the counter in a brown paper bag. Shhh!

Rol said...

Yes, but be honest Steve, isn't that what brought you to the internet too?

Steve said...

Rol: It is. But it also brought me to your blog so I'm really quite confused about the whole thing.

femminismo said...

Ha! Imodium for dogs! Yes, that's what brings me in. Maybe I will have to try and see what brings folks to me. I'll start with a post about Benecio del Toro and see what happens next. Cheers! Thanks for your comments, Steve.

Steve said...

Femminismo: always a pleasure... if you find a good supplier of dog imodium, let the me know - I can direct my visitors on to it!

Helen McCookerybook said...

Who is Alice Roberts?

Owen said...

After seeing Missy M's comment I felt re-assured, as I was going, "huh, who's Alice Roberts", and what's she got that ten zillion other ladies don't ???

Very interesting idea though, maybe I will try typing some very naughty phrases into some posts, but then format the text the same color as the background, so they will be invisible, but will bring scads of new visitors to the Magic Lantern... great idea, huh ??? How about : Lesbian Erotic Videos ? Or, Sexy Striptease featuring Alice Roberts ???

Whoever Alice is...

Lori @ RRSAHM said...

My biggest search term is "The Wiggles". Ahhh, I'm so G-rated....

Steve said...

Helen: a TV geek goddess. But don't let that put you off.

Owen: are you sure you'd be able to handle the sheer amount of traffic that such search terms would induce? You'd better prepare yourself (and Alice Roberts please) for complete exposure...!

Lori: I'm rather embarrassed to be able to say that not only do I know who they are but I've also written a post about them!

Selina Kingston said...

You're verging on technical stuff again with talk of stats and things to confuse me but Alice Roberts eh? Or Debbie Does Dallas? Or plumbing (that did make me laugh actually!!) OK, I'll try and weave them in to my future posts in a bid to get the sort of following you have !

Steve said...

Selina: there's very little technical about it... just make lots of porn references and the viewers will come running.

Gappy said...

I've had a couple of people find my blog by searching for 'Gappy porn'. Don't quite know whether to laugh or cry really. It's ever since I posted that blasted picture of myself in the wasp killing outfit.

Steve said...

Gappy: sorry about that. I only Googled you a couple of times. Honest.

Barry Coidan said...

Who is Alice Roberts and why should I blog her?

Steve said...

Barry: Alice Roberts is "a British anatomist, osteoarchaeologist, anthropologist, television presenter, and author". And hot.

Being Me said...

Was so excited to see Bloggertropolis on the blog hop of Aussie mum bloggers! Nice one, Steve! :)

Steve said...

Being Me: that'll teach me not to read stuff properly! Aussie mum bloggers? One out of three isn't bad! ;-)