Sunday, November 21, 2010

Shooting From The Hip

+++ APOLOGIES +++ MINORITY INTEREST POST +++

Stella EnglishThere have been but 3 choices of conversation in the work office this week. (1) I'm [hoping to be] A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here; (2) The Royal Wedding-to-be and (3) The Apprentice.

Now given that (1) and (2) make me want to vomit my sphincter up through my nose this has left me very little in the way of conversational light relief with which to lighten my interminable workload. I did make an attempt at no. (2) by joking that Will's would probably follow his old man and dump Kate in ten years time after finally admitting to a lifetime love affair with Barbara Windsor but that gag was met with tumbleweed so prickly I practically had to roll myself into a little ball and hide under the nearest hedge. The good ladies of the office then resumed their discussion about what colour dress Kate might wear for her big day as if I had never been born.

So. On very different wavelengths there then.

However, the Babs Windsor gag/gaffe does bring me neatly onto subject (3) which I feel I can talk about with impunity and without risk of offending anyone. Except possibly Lord Sugar. But I'm sure he's man enough to take it. You see Babs Windsor has been quoted as saying that the first time she met Lord Sugar - back when he was just Al and not even SrAlan - she came over "all giggly". Why? Because he "reminded her of Sid James".

Sid effing James?!?

What? Did he spend 30 years trying to get into her knickers and then once he'd finally achieved it spend the post coital hours sobbing into her voluminous breasts and using her belly button as a tray for his brandy glass?

I really don't want to think about Sir Alan getting down and dirty with Barbara Windsor. I mean, can you imagine?

"Ere, Babs. I've fired."

"Already? Blimey. And I thought Sid was quick."

Boom boom as Basil Brush would say.

Lord SugarNo, let's skip this. My contribution to the work discussion this week was to posit the theory that Sandeesh Samra's firing on The Apprentice was an act of wanton robbery and that Stella English is my favourite to win. Sandeesh because those wild Pharaonic eyes and hawk-like nose make her look like an exotic bird of prey about to Stuka dive onto a small mammal wearing cheap Marks & Spencer Y-fronts and gobble him up for breakfast and Stella because she's smart, sassy, sussed and well tasty. Plus she used to be a model (as you can see from the top picture) and hang around with hard nuts in the East End (so she and Lord Sugar are possibly old pals). (So. Another Babs Windsor connection there then.)

Sandeesh SamraPlainly then it has been a quiet week on the telly when I am turning to The Apprentice to bolster my flagging Blog stats by selecting a couple of the candidates to join the pantheon of babes that already make up my highly irregular TV Totty Of The Week slot. (Blame Merlin - Katie McGrath was hardly in it this week and her absence was keenly felt.)

So, believe it or not, it really is a toss up (no, don't even go there) between Sandeesh and Stella. Only one of them can get the job. I am offering a 6 figure salary (in old money: £12 10s 11d) and a chance to work with me on a new range of shitty computer products to be promoted under the umbrella name SteveTrad. It is, I am sure you'll agree, a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Now normally, Sandeesh being a brunette would be the favourite to win and those mesmeric eyes would certainly make her an ideal Sith apprentice but... just as in the show... she's sadly come into the boardroom with a very strong contender. Being a fickle kind of fellow I do occasionally plump for blondes and Stella, by virtue of being incredibly intelligent and laying into Stuart (this series' resident arsehole) with aplomb and an untouchable sense of her own self-esteem has just pipped Sandeesh to the post.

I know, I know. It's a double blow for Sandeesh. Fired twice in one week. I may have to find her something to do in my back office to keep her mind off it. In the meantime, Stella English (a porn name if ever there was one), you are this week's TV Totty Of The Week and my 3rd nomination is this pathetically puerile series of blog posts.

See: 3rd! And you guys said it would never run.



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45 comments:

Alienne said...

Well done Steve - you have managed to pick three subjects in which I have absolutely no interest at all! No one in my office has been discussing the wedding as far as I know except for a couple of comments about the extra bank holiday (I'll take that thank you, we don't get enough of them - we get an extra one in 2012 too to celebrate granny's 100 years on the throne I think), but I will not be reading the acres of sycophantic press, watching the hours of sycophantic TV or taking any other interest in it at all.

Steve said...

Alienne: can I please, please, please come and work in your office?

Clippy Mat said...

Those 3 topics of conversation have reached this side of the Atlantic for me via Facebook and various friends and relatives in the UK. Becoming intrigued about Im a whotsit get me out of it I youtubed and am now fully immersed in watching 2009's series and have a big hate on for Joe Bugner.
He looks like Barbara Windsor too.
;-)

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: he does indeed. I think it's the breasts.

Tenon_Saw said...

"Ere, Babs. I've fired."

Priceless - how do you think of 'em?

Steve said...

Tenon_Saw: got my mind in the gutter where the pickings are rich.

LöstJimmy said...

I'm sorry to say I don't watch either Celebrity Jungle stuff or The Apprentice and as for the Royal Wedding....it's not my cup of char.

Nevertheless I intend to end this comment on a high note by saying that the young lady at the top of the post looks rather nice, yes very nice indeed.

Steve said...

LöstJimmy: she's a bit of a babe and far too good for the likes of Lord Sugar in my opinion. However, if she'd like to send me her CV I promise to give it a very positive review...

LöstJimmy said...

Gosh is she an apprentice then!?

Steve said...

LöstJimmy: she is indeed. Suddenly the show is worth watching, eh...? ;-)

Gorilla Bananas said...

Stella's breasts look heavy with milk. Is she with child or is it an optical illusion?

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: wishful thinking?

LöstJimmy said...

Stella English, lovely girl...I've googled her, apparently she worked in a boozer, left school with no qualifications and flourished in a Japanese bank...flourished they say...what does that mean?

You can quickly tell what a productive Sunday afternoon I've had eh!

Steve said...

LöstJimmy: Google is a great way to relieve stress and boredom and learn a few interesting facts about the world and its inhabitants. At least that's what I always tell the wife.

Selina Kingston said...

Is that really Stella? I find that photo a bit distasteful ... jealous, me ??? Now, I love the Apprentice and actually I think I quite fancy Alan Sugar. It's probably only the power that makes me think that and of course that then upsets me because it makes me sound...well. shallow !! Me, of all people !

Mark said...

Blonde one for me. Stella that is, not Barbara Windsor

Steve said...

Selina: fancy Alan Sugar? Can those words even be used in a sentence in that way? ;-)

Mark: I second that. Or did I first it?

Being Me said...

I read through this post and only really understood one thing: I'm afraid the same thoughts about Our Will's have gone through my own mind. I, though, have not been nearly brave enough to voice them for fear of a backlash amongst the womenfolk (even from over this side of the pond) who are all a-twitter - boom boom - about the royal wedding.

The Sagittarian said...

I try not to watch those Lab Rat TV shows, which kinda covers even the news these days eh?

I'm now confused as to what hair colour I should actually have these days....

Steve said...

Being Me: well, you know, Babs Windsor is doing well for her age, is loaded and is probably a good laugh. She pulls a mean pint too. Wills would be hard pressed to resist those kinds of charms.

Amanda: anything but a blue rinse is fine by me.

Michelloui said...

Ive been out of the blogosphere for a while so its lovely to return--I dont even watch the Apprentice and I loved this post! Well written, and lovely to know I can always click on your blog for good entertainment!!

Loved the tumbleweed description, btw... ;)

Nota Bene said...

I can neither comment on the one, nor the other, or indeed the other. They are all a complete and utter waste of the human spirit. Oh is that a comment?

Previously (Very) Lost in France said...

Steve, I can't bear 'I'm a Second Rate has been', loathe the whole idea of the Royal Wedding and don't watch the Apprentice. For one of the few times in my life, I have absolutely nothing to say....!

Steve said...

Michelloui: thank you. Regrettably I experience a lot of tumbleweed moments in my life.

Nota Bene: I think it is.

Previously (Very) Lost in France: but you say it so well!

femminismo said...

Funny again! Is your "Apprentice" the tv show we have here in the US? Only with different people. You don't have Donald Trump reigning over, do you? I have never watched it, and don't envy the royal wedding people. The young girl on your post is lovely and carries those breasts well. Lord Sugar? Who on earth is he and where did he come by such an outrageously great name????

Steve said...

Femminismo: Stella does indeed carry her breasts well and I really do envy her that. It is the same show but whereas you have Donald we have Sir Alan. I believe the name (Sugar) is real and, alas, not a porn star name.

London City Mum said...

Wedding? What wedding? Did I miss something? Did Charlotte Church reconsider and say 'yes' to Gavin?

No? Oh.

As you were then.

LCM x

Steve said...

LCM: dear Lord, Chaz will never say yes - she'll lose her chav status if she goes all legit and shit!

joebloggs said...

Stella does carry her breasts very well doesn't she, and if she ever got tired I will gladly give her a hand(or two)!!
As for Sandeesh, every time I see her I have a sudden urge for a Turkish Delight....Full of eastern promise eh, eh, nudge, nudge.

Steve said...

Joe: I'd gladly carry her breasts free of charge and also keep them nicely polished. I'm thinking of starting a business to that end in fact. As for Turkish Delight... I'm not a fan but I am partial to spicy flavours.

Owen said...

Steve,
Methinks you've been watching alot of TV of late, it is clearly the root of much evil, perhaps a good walk out of doors for some fresh air would do ye some good, as long as you stay on the sidewalk and avoid the gutter...

Well, I'm just crabby because I don't know who any of these lovely ladies are... ignorance is a terrible thing !

Steve said...

Owen: a walk outside? That's not a bad idea. And I can get the BBC iPlayer on my mobile phone so I won't have to miss a single show! Sorted!

Shamozal said...

Simply. Brilliant. Signing up for RSS Feed now.

Kirsty (Shamozal)

Shamozal said...

Ahem? How do I follow you and where is your RSS feed?

Steve said...

Shamozal: good question and nice of you to ask it. I think my feed should be available at the following: http://bloggertropolis.blogspot.com/rss.xml and http://bloggertropolis.blogspot.com/atom.xml but you can also follow me via your Blogger Dashboard using the Follow facility.

misssy m said...

I am LOVING the Apprentice this year. I particularly like ti when contestants refer to themselves in the third person. There's always at least 3 that do.

Id personally like Stuart to stay in til the bitter end for entertainment value.

(Totally with you on the Royal Wedding front- good for them and all that but couldn't be less interested...)

Steve said...

Misssy M: I must admit I want Stuart to stay until at least the interview stage - where they get roasted by 3 business hardnuts who pull them and their CVs to pieces. I'd just love to watch Stuart and the arrogant little bubble he keeps his head in get popped into oblivion!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

I don't watch the Apprentice, but I love your post!

CJ xx

Steve said...

CJ: Alan Sugar would be offended I'm sure but I'm just pleased!

TimeWarden said...

I'm with you all the way regarding the Royal Wedding and Rumble in the Jungle. As the former is to be a Bank Holiday, I was thinking of writing to the Prime Monster to ask if I couldn't have the following Tuesday off instead of the Friday!

Steve said...

TimeWarden: that's not a bad idea. Maybe I could work it and have a day off in lieu?

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

The Apprentice is one of our favourite programmes - and I think I love Dara's You're Fired even more!

Steve said...

Trish: me too. I love the way Dara takes the michael so gently out of the fired candidates. Can't wait until Stuart appears on the show!

lunarossa said...

Of all the events you mentioned, I think the Royal Wedding is what makes me puke more. I don't express what I think of the Royals in total frankness as I fear I'm going to be thrown out from the country. I admit that I watched the Celebrity until Nigel left. I think he has exposed to ridicule enough. Another of my "idols" has fallen. With regard to The Apprendice I cannot understand how a person so cunning like Lord Sugar can manager to gather together such a bunch of losers...Hopeless. But that's what makes TV nowadays, taking the mickey out of idiots....(Yes, I'm in a bad mood today, but gfortunately your posts make me laugh...)Ciao. A.

Steve said...

Lunarossa: sadly pisstake TV seems to be where the money is these days... which doesn't say much for the moral outlook of the nation does it? I haven't bothered to watch I'm A Celeb at all this year... why make myself annoyed and irritated when I'm supposed to be chilling out? As for Sir Al... there's always a couple of really good apprentices amongst the bunch of rotten apples: Stella and Liz are my favourites for this year; a pair of genuinely sussed ladies. The guys are all dullards!