Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Like Two Peas In A Pod

OK, I’m coming clean.

I can’t keep it up anymore. The lies. The deceit. Living a double life.

I look in the mirror sometimes and I don’t know who it is that’s looking back out at me. I feel like a double-agent in my own life. Two names. Two identities. Two wildly differing lifestyles.

In one I’m just a humdrum office bod. I go out 9 to 5 and work for the man.

In the other I am the man. I have people looking after me. My people. I have an agent and a manager and a PA. I go off to crazy locations and shoot incredible movies that people love and adore. Everyone adores me. Women drool and men sigh. Women want me and men want to be me.

Yes.

It is time to come clean.

I am Johnny Depp.

Captain Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, Ichabod Crane and John Dillinger... they were all me too. Me as Johnny Depp playing them, I mean. It all gets so confusing. I’ve snogged Christina Ricci, Penelope Cruz and Keira Knightly to name but a few.

And they were all shit. No-one beats my wife.

And my wife, who you all know as “Karen”, is really Vanessa Paradis. I may as well out her too while I’m in the mood to be honest.

I’ve tried hiding who I am for years. In every film I try and disguise my look, change my face so that the real me is not recognizable. But years ago I got lazy. I made a film called The Ninth Gate and I couldn’t be bothered to wear coloured contact lenses or shave my head. I told my agent the days when I blacked up and played the banjo are long behind me. It’s PC or nothing now. So I appeared as myself. As me.

I thought I’d got away with it but someone at work recently saw the film... made the connection and they’ve outed me.

So now my workmates know that for all these years they’ve been working alongside Johnny Depp and they never realized it.

I’m sure, as with you, there will be a sense of chagrin. A sense of opportunities wasted. Well, look. I’ll sign your autograph books now if you want. I’ll pose for photos. I’ll kiss your wives, girlfriends, babies, even you.

I’ll take you to Cannes next time I have a movie out. That’s a promise.

Because, finally, here’s the proof. See below.

Johnny Depp in The Ninth Gate
I is Johnny Depp, innit?I rest my case.



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32 comments:

Bish Bosh Bash said...

Oh dear, oh dear, oh deary me. Don’t you celeb bloke types ever think to check in the mirror, before you step out for a photo shoot these days – Johnny Cum Blakely? I mean, who precisely? dare I ask, might have been the original proud owner of that charming bushy pube number you’ve clearly got so hopelessly and quite obliviously ‘stuck’ to your chinny chin chin there ‘Stephen?’

Was it originally your P.A.’s personal property then? Cos perhaps you need to trade her in and get a better one chap. They’re supposed to check you over for big ‘faux pas’s’ like that. God, I bet that smarted like hell for her!

And anyway…how on earth d’you manage to get superglue all over your chin there, in the first place?? (!)

Two peas in a pod? you say? Yeahh rrright.

the fly in the web said...

Cripes! I never knew that Johnny Depp...aka Steve...looked like Lenin...

Steve said...

Bish Bosh Bash: I'll have you know, sir, that I grew that mighty man-thatch myself and it is hurricane and snog proof. Even Victor Kiam would have trouble depilating that bristly beauty.

The fly in the web: easy there, comrade. You've been overdoing the vodka.

Rol said...

Hmm... I'm not convinced.

Still, at least you're not Tom Hanks.

Nota Bene said...

Tablets. Tablets. Keep taking them. I say that because I look like Barry Manilow so am just jealous

Steve said...

Rol: that's as close to "I love you" as you're ever going to get, isn't it?

Nota Bene: oh Mandy! You came and you gave without taking!

John Gray said...

Yeah and I have a arse that is the body double for russell crowe's

Alienne said...

Mmmm, maybe in a few years the likeness will be closer! I am sorry but I don't think my teenagers will be hotfooting it to Leamington Spa for autographs on the strength of this.

Steve said...

John: I'm sensing a little cynicism here...

Alienne: just remember I offered to let you in the ground floor. It is not a deal that will repeated.

Tenon_Saw said...

Works for me.

Steve said...

Tenon_Saw: congratulations. You're coming to Cannes.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I've got to admit there is a likeness there. Take one Johnny Depp, douse his head in a bucket of vinegar, dry in a fan-assisted oven, and hey presto! I suggest you use Johnny Dope as your stage name.

Nana Go-Go said...

Can't quite see the Johnny Depp resemblance......that Russian bloke springs to mind ....not Stalin, the other one...oh, yeah, Lenin!The likeness is spooky!
(minus the flat cap ya daft bugger!)

missbehaving said...

OMG it is sooo obvious now that you point it out, can't believe I missed it.
( when is Cannes?)

Being Me said...

You played the banjo?

(your reply to Nota Bene gave me such a hearty laugh - thanks for that! food for the soul x)

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: if we strip away your obvious sarcasm there's quite a good business model there.

Nana Go-Go: I was incognito. Paparazzi and all that. They're always hanging around in my backgarden. That's not a euphemism, by the way.

Missbehaving: next May. Shall I book you a place?

Being Me: only when I'm cleaning 'windus'. Or was that a ukulele? I can't remember, one of the two...

London City Mum said...

I knew it. I just bloody knew it.
Oh, and that kiss? It was nothing special for me either.

Christina

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

My teenager is hot-footing it to Leamington Spa, but she is convinced that Johnny Depp works in the bakery department of our local supermarket. Actually I lied about the hot-footing... it will be cold in December. Full beard weather.

Steve said...

Christina: to be honest - and I never thought I'd say this - your boobs got in the way.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: yes, that's me too. I bake a mean pair of buns.

Keith said...

Lenin. Totally and unequivocally Lenin. Well, until you take your cap off and let your flowing locks tumble all Cheryl Cole-like over your shoulders.

Your face is a symphony of directions.

I might have to sketch you one day.

libby said...

Erm........Erm........Erm.....

Steve said...

Keith: "Your face is a symphony of directions". That is the second nicest thing anyone has ever said about me. The first nicest thing was that I looked a bit like Johnny Depp in The Ninth Gate. See, I knew it would be downhil after that.

Libby: don't be shy. I'll sign your body wherever you want.

Marginalia said...

Love the cap Andy.

Steve said...

Marginalia: I'll see you down the pub in five. Get 'em lined up, eh?

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Well you had me fooled! As for Karen, I thought she was secretly Nigella Lawson!

Steve said...

Laura: her baps fool a lot of people...

Fran said...

Now post a picture of him in Pirates and you in an eye patch. Go compare! Go compare!

Steve said...

Fran: aaaar! I think you'll find, missy, that cap'n Jaaack never wore an eyepatch... aaaar!

Kakka said...

If only I had know, Johnny is my heart throb, and all this time it was you ... now I can brag to my friends.

It also seems I am married to John from Time Team - who knew.

All these dopplegangers - lol

Steve said...

Kakka: there's no business like show business...!

Heather said...

Johnny Depp? right, sure, of course. Now i see it *cough*

Steve said...

Heather: you have to squint your eyes up really tightly. In fact, it helps if they're practically closed. Oh - and alcohol helps too. Lots of alcohol.