Thursday, December 08, 2011

Homing From Work

A lot of employers these days are saving money by encouraging (or ‘supporting’ as it is known in business parlance) employees to work from home. Some IT bod leaves his subterranean life denial system (otherwise known as the IT Services Office), goes round to the employee’s gaff and installs some software onto their home PC or laptop which enables them to dial into their work PC almost as if they were actually at work doing it in person. I guess a simple telephone monitoring system then enables the employer to sift official work calls from spurious demands to sex line numbers in order that they pay for bona fide work calls only.

Hey presto, your earnest young employee is now being paid to work from home but without consuming the employer’s electricity, gas, water, lighting, air, toilet facilities, canteen services or any of the other perks that an employer is wont to provide. The work gets done; the employee gets paid as usual but the employer saves a pretty bundle in consumables and fuel bills.

‘Working from home’. It’s a great lark and a wonder of the modern age.

But I feel the envelope has not been pushed out far enough.

I want to work for an employer who not only allows me to ‘work from home’ but also – more importantly – allows me to ‘home from work’.

I want to be able to sit at my workstation dressed in jimjams and even possibly wrapped up in an old blanket with a steaming mug of hot chocolate in my hand. I want to be able to spend 3 hours on internet prevarication before I actually commit myself to the task that I originally sat down in front of the computer to perform. Once this task has been completed (i.e. answering a few emails) I want to waste another few hours on Facebook and Twitter giving the entire world a blow by blow account of all the amazing things I am not actually doing.

Sat at my desk drinking cocoa. Where does the time go? Lol.

I demand daytime telly, lunchtime telly, afternoon telly and then one of those mid afternoon drama serials – Mid Somer Murders or some shit like that – something I can snooze off too. I’ll also need a steady supply of bread to make toast, accompany tinned soup and comprise the odd sandwich that I will need to nurture my delicate constitution towards the safe haven of the evening meal when I can at last relax and bask in the glory of another hard day at the office completed. Then, of course, I will want to snookem’s up in bed with a nice hot water botty placed lovingly upon my tendermost regions.

Bliss.

You may be wondering what benefit this set up will have for society? Well, the more of us that home from work the less social housing we will need. This will free up housing for those people who are unable to home from work because they don’t have a job and therefore have nowhere to live. I must point out that people who take busman’s holidays don’t really feature in my Utopia. The more of us who home from work in communal offices will use less fossil fuels en masse than we would if we were all living in separate domiciles – thus the ecology of the planet receives a much needed boost. We could also share TVs, fridges, ovens, PlayStations – again, reducing consumption of fossil fuels and the creation of CFCs. There would also be no need to drive to and from work – so further reductions in oil consumption and pollution are produced.

For the planet this entire set-up would be nothing but an out-and-out winner.

The only downside would be having no downtime at all from your employer.

*Sigh*

Bugger.

Back to the drawing board...



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30 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

What you're really pining for is a boarding school experience. Don't forget the big-bosomed matron to comfort you if you got homesick. But it wouldn't work if you were the only boy, which is where the problems would begin. I don't see how you could avoid becoming someone's fag.

the fly in the web said...

No probs. Send the boss to work from home...

Trish @ Mum's Gone To ... said...

I do thiink you're onto something. I'd have to get new jimjams and slippers though: there wouid inevitably be a hierarchy in winceyette and fleece. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: you're right. Being the only boy would be a major problem. I could hardly have a willy fight in the shower on my own, could I?

The fly in the web: congratulations. You just made chief exec.

Trish: Oh God, you're right. Nightie wars. Jimjam oneupmanship. What have I started?!

Kelloggsville said...

I work from home a lot and tend to find the days I do go into the office a bit of a culture shock...clothes, lack of arse scratching, working...I agree if I could home from work as well as working from home then the whole transition would be much easier...when I was young I used to dream about a transport system that didn't involve me actually having to get out of bed until my moving bed was in the school playground...can we work that into the model somewhere too please.

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: work and homelife all in the same location would totally negate the need for any kind of transport. Of course, people would need private arse scratching zones so major building redesign would need to take place but without the need for roads we'd all have far more building space to accommodate this.

London City Mum said...

Superb. Must consider this argument next time I am confronted with reality.
Oh, hang on. I AM working from home... or is that homing from work now? Dammit. Too confusing.

LCM x

Steve said...

LCM: there's always dole scrounging for when it all gets a bit repetitive. A change is as good as a rest or so they say. ;-)

Wanderlust said...

I would support homing from work as long as there were on-site nannies. Given the savings inherit in your plan, I imagine a few nannies could be had without hurting the bottom line.

Dicky said...

This post is a work of genius. Just today I "WFH" and loved it. It's the best part of my job and I just know that it's gonna end one day.

Steve said...

Wanderlust: you do mean on-site nannies for any kids and not just for me in my lunchbreak?

Dicky: your appreciation is much appreciated. Please have a payrise.

Being Me said...

You obviously never met my ex-workmate Gary. No way he'd ever share his fridge or Playstation. He was a complete and utter bastard.

You said jimjams. And hot water botty! Two of my very favourites (both the affectionate terms and the actual items).

Being Me said...

p.s. I WFH every day. It pretty much goes exactly as you've assumed (except I don't do the telly bit). The first 3 hours is wasted on..... well, actually, I ought to be working right this minute.

As you were.

Steve said...

Being Me: Gary ought to get a job in my office. He'd fit right in.

Ooops.

Only joking! Ha ha. Er. Ha.

Ahem.

The world is divided between those who jimjam & hot water botty and those who do not. Those who do not will never be welcome in my house or ever get to sit on my sofa to watch old movies in slippers and an old blankey. ;-)

Steve said...

Being Me: just caught your P.S. Is reading my blog when you're working from home skiving or teabreaking or just plain creative hijacking?

Whatever. Get back to work, young lady! You're being paid for this!

I, however, am not.

Being Me said...

Problem inherent in the WFH system I am in: I only get paid for the time that I do. It's brain-and-eye-taxing work, reformatting copious pages upon pages of manuals at present. Can only manage 2 a day! Just 16 to go.... by Dec. 19th....

Ok, ok... I'm skiving. Plain and simple. Back to it *salutes* But dang, the old blankie and movie on the couch sounds so inviting. Pity about that 49902348km away thing.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I'm with Being Me, you have accurately described my working day almost to a tee. I must get myself a hot water bottle though.

French Fancy... said...

But couldn't you sit working in your pjs? Who would know? Unless part of what was installed on your machine to 'work-enable' it was a crafty tiny webcam. Awful thought isn't it.

Steve said...

Being Me: 49902348km my butt. The invitation is open. I'll even get Karen to make some brownies. I'll get the DVD player warmed up now.

Very Bored in Catalunya: to a tee or to a tea?

FF: I wouldn't put it past them. It's why I wear a thong at all times.

Nota Bene said...

You need to compromise. How about working from the bus stop? Or homing from the supermarket?

Steve said...

Nota Bene: homing from the supermarket sounds good. I never need leave the premises for food again.

Mark said...

There's a great interview with Buckminster Fuller in which he talks about how odd it is that people live in tiny homes (in parts of urban America where slums were rife) and then commute to plush beautiful offices - he argues that people should live at work and commute for leisure.

About Last Weekend said...

This home from work has already caught on here in the US. Everyone here in the Bay Area (San fran and surrounds) looks like ageing students (without a trust fund)

Steve said...

Mark: is Buckminster Fuller related to Ferris Bueller?

About Last Weekend: ew. Aging student is not a good look. Even for aging students.

libby said...

I hate my work and would not like to bring any of it home........but I am sitting here in my jamas with a blankey right now and dreaming of winning the lottery tonight so that I never have to go to work again......

Rol said...

I can think of definite advantages to your working from home plan, but to discuss them further I'd probably have to go to another blog.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Brilliant idea. Steve Bloggertropolis for PM!

Steve said...

Libby: you and me both.

Rol: whoa, are you talking about my porn blog?

Laura: only if I could work from home.

Dicky said...

I've mentioned this post over at my place old chap. Don't know why I called you "old chap," It just felt right at the time.

Steve said...

Dicky: no worries, old boy. Perfectly understandable.