Wednesday, January 04, 2012

The Biggest Killer Is The New Year

Me and my family were nearly involved in a collision this morning.

Thankfully the speed we were going and the speed of the other vehicle were sufficiently low that there would have been no serious injuries. Just some whiplash and possibly a new car. Some dozy oldster pulled out of his drive straight onto the main road and managed to only see us in front of him after Karen has swerved out of the way. Thankfully there was no on-coming traffic or we’d have been starring in our very own version of the pinball wizard.

Without breathalysing the guy I can’t say for certain but given his slow reactions and bleary eyed look at me as I contemplated giving him the finger I’d say there’s a high probability that alcohol was involved. Either that or imminent coma.

And then to top it all, mere minutes after dropping me off at work, my wife then had a pedestrian leap out into the road in front of her. Cue yet more evasive action to save both his ass and the asses of my wife and kids.

And that’s a lot of asses.

And it got me thinking that this is a truly miserable time of year for most people. Downright despairing.

Now, I’m not saying these encounters were in anyway part of some suicide sideshow but, dammit, people don’t seem to care so much at this time of year. About themselves or each other. Everyone is so darn miserable and deflated and weary and cheesed off and oh-God-another-whole-year-to-get-through. Everybody has their eyes down and their thoughts in their shoes.

You can taste the disenchantment in the air like a spent firework.

A work colleague also told me that New Year is the busiest time of year for divorce lawyers. So, there you go. Maybe the two wannabe lemmings this morning had just had big fat divorce nisis placed into their mitts by ignorant postmen and genuinely wanted to (a) end it all or (b) just give their ex-wives a guilt trip to the nearest therapist?

Whatever. I just want to reach out to all those who are feeling sad and miserable and New Year blue and say that, whilst nearly everyone else around you at this time of year doesn’t care, I do. I care enough to press my foot down harder on the accelerator pedal should you be of a mind to top yourself under the wheels of my car.

Because a day off work with “shock” or “helping the police with their enquiries” would suit me right down to the ground right about now.

So please do consider it.

After all, you scratch my back...



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23 comments:

Dicky said...

Very good Steve. Give me a few more work days and I may take you up on your kind offer. Happy New Year by the way.

Steve said...

Dicky: oh I hear you. I'm currently considering throwing myself under the wheels of my own car. My wife says she's more than happy to drive.

A Happy New Year to you too.

vegemitevix said...

Lol Steve it wouldn't take much for me to consider leaping John of Arc style into your way. I think the problem is that the piddly 1 wk break isnot long enough to really make much difference. It's gloomy outside and cold. Down under we get a nice Kong summer break where you can forget work and feel like it is really a new year when you return with your dun burnt nose

Steve said...

Vix: that's what I'm talking about. A 6 month Christmas break. And then a 6 month summer holiday. Where can I get a job like that?

Kelloggsville said...

oh don't get me started, my current commentary could have come straight from Marvin the paranoid android. I'm off to throw myself under a car, if it turns out to be you please wave all fingers nicely, thank you kindly.

Owen said...

Steve, if you are ever going to be driving in France any time soon, please let me know so I can stay well clear of all roadways. And no doubt you'd be especially dangerous, trying to keep to the left in oncoming traffic...

I'm not quite ready to get run over, and am feeling quite chipper in this beginning of 2012; after all, the world will be ending soon, so why toss the chance to see how all that is going to unfold ? :-)

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: I'll even clean the tyres first. ;-)

Owen: and how is the world going to end? Carmagheddon, that's how. And when it comes roaring upon you all it's going to be me at the steering wheel!

the fly in the web said...

I like the idea of having a week off to help the police with their enquiries....in my young day you needed a week off work after helping the police with their enquiries..

Rol said...

Seriously though, having gone through my own automotive misfortune recently, I hope you're all OK.

Steve said...

The fly in the web: a week recuperating after being smacked in the face with a bunch of keys in a sock works for me just as well, to be honest.

Rol: we were a little shaken. Thankfully we didn't end up in a hedge... so got off mildly in comparison. ;-)

Being Me said...

You funny beggar.

You've inadvertently just given me the single-most good point I've ever heard for why I would NOT want a northern hemisphere white Christmas/New Year. You kids only get a couple of weeks off before a whole new one begins??? And you have to squeeze in family festivities in that short break?!? Nooooo thank you very much. I may never complain about the long month of January until the new school year starts (which signals me having to be organised every single morning) ever again. Mind you, that could be quite short-sighted of me. I do, after all, have to commit to that for the next 13 school years....

Damn. Where are your keys?

Timbo said...

Bring me your wheels,or those of your wife, and I will lay me down. Tyre marks could be a good addition to my outfit.

English Rider said...

Look for lumps of coal in next year's stocking.

Jon said...

You may have a point. Hardly a day seems to go by without another murder / suicide combo occuring in Harlow New Town or similar.

Didn't used to happen.

It's since they took the whale bones out of the upper lip, I think.

It might help if people didn't feel the compulsion to spend more money than they had at this time of year. Perhaps we should run over advertising execs as a form of therapy.

Steve said...

Being Me: did I understand that correctly? You get the whole of January as holiday? Would you like to do a house swap for a year?

Timbo: is it a tracksuit?

English Rider: you think people might return the one's I gave this year?

Jon: run over advertizing execs? Add bank managers to the list and we could invent a new breed of superhero.

Being Me said...

You did read correctly. Sorry 'bout that! School kids get from Christmas until end Jan (our summer hols). Adults not so lucky, unless they have a job in school system I suppose?

Marginalia said...

We have a few selfish people who top themselves by jumping in front of tube trains during the rush hour. It is so inconvenient! Self,self,self!

I haven't yet had a reply to my letter to the head of Transport for London(TfL) suggesting that a station on one of the quieter branch lines should be a dedicated suicide platform. Trains would be driven especially fast and wouldn't stop to ensure an effective dispatch.

Have you thought of a career change? I hear that TfL are looking for drivers.

Steve said...

Being Me: forget the house swap; can we just come and live with you?

Marginalia: what a fab idea. And going in and out of tunnels all day would satisfy all my Freudian cravings to boot!

Fran said...

I will cross the Leamington roads more carefully over the next few weeks while you're still in this mood.

Nota Bene said...

Harsh. But as usual entirely fair. I'd volunteer but to be honest I'm quite cheerful at the moment. Ignorance is bliss

Steve said...

Fran: just stick to the cycle lanes, you'll be fine.

Nota Bene: don't worry. I can wait. I've stocked up on petrol.

London City Mum said...

Aha! Therein lies the truth of the matter: if society as a whole did not make such a big shindig about Xmas and all its trappings (and associated expenses and extravaganzas that few can afford in the first place), then there would be less misery after it is all over and the reality about having to pay bills, shed extra pounds, dry out from alcoholic overindulgence, etc etc etc hit home.

There is a reason after all for my own 'bah humbug' attitude around that time of year and my honest belief that 'less is more' and we forego this at our peril.

Personally I am just glad it is OVER! Again! Hoo-bloody-ray!

Happy 2012.

LCM x

Steve said...

LCM: see, I knew Ollie Cromwell was onto something when he banned Christmas. I blame Charles II! ;-)