Friday, January 13, 2012

Organ For Hire

In these cash strapped times we are all looking for a little extra moolah. Opportunities for additional cash. A bit on the side. The ol’ financial boost.

So I’ve been considering my options:

1) Sell my body. Become a dirty hoo-er.
2) Sell my soul.
3) Sell my writing.

I have to be honest and say that number 1 is a no goer. I’m sure I’d have no shortage of offers but alas most of them would probably be from men and I am just not wired up that way. I know I should view it purely as a business transaction for the sake of my wife and kids but, really, I am just not psychologically / emotionally programmed for such intimate endeavours to take place with the one half of my species that I am just not sexually attracted to. The biggest tragedy is that the other half – the lady kind – would just laugh at the thought of paying me to show them a good time. There’s a sale on in Marks & Spencer and I just can’t compete with that kind of instant gratification.

Number 2 is also a no goer. I don’t consider myself overly religious but the thought of selling my soul sends me cold. I don’t care if it’s not legally binding, there is just something deeply fundamentally disturbing about the thought of selling one’s most essential life essence. I read somewhere that a load of students were surveyed recently to see how many would actually be willing to sell their souls and, surprisingly, even these beered up, coke brained, fashionably cynical young hooligans baulked at the idea of giving up ownership of their immortal soul (whether it actually existed or not).

As for number 3. I’m trying. I really am. Any pointers or snifters of chancy openings would be much appreciated.

One thing I have never considered though is selling my health.

I had an email a while ago from a company called WEGO. I think they’re American. They wanted me to sign up for clinical trials. Clinical trials that could take place in my very own home. More, if I then blogged about the trials that I took part in there’d be additional cash remuneration. And it wasn’t just meds they wanted me to trial either. It was equipment.

My mind boggled. Just what kind of equipment would they want me to test?

An iron lung? A pacemaker? A new Hadron Collider sized kidney dialyses machine? Artificial testicles?

How much money would they pay me to trial some bionic bollocks? I mean, even a one off deal could set me and my family up for life. New car. Cruise in the Med (paid for by meds). And all for the price of a pair of Kevlar kahunas.

It’s got to be worth a gander surely?

But then I reconsidered. I mean, my luck has to be a major factor in this enterprise, right? I’d end up trialling colostomy bags or herpes cream or artificial testicles manufactured cheaply out of the melted down heads of old Action Man dolls. Or they’d be injecting me with weird bacterial concoctions that would just make me feel pants for days on end and not even give me Spidey powers or anything.

And then there’s the exchange rate. Given how things are right now, I’d probably end up compromising my health for a measly £7.54p.

So it’s just not worth it. It really isn’t.

My health is the only saleable commodity I have that I don’t actually want to sell.

That, of course, and my clearly illustrated good sense.



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37 comments:

Kelloggsville said...

I'd do equipment but not meds. You can't hope for placebo equipment. You know exactly what you are getting. I have a friend that does clinical trials here. I think she's brave.

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: what's the pay like? And are there any side effects?

Dicky said...

I've given it some thought and I think that selling your "organ" will be a waste of time. You'll get very little cash for that Steve. As for selling your soul, I did that years ago; it's really not that painful.

Marginalia said...

You do yourself a dis-service. I'm sure there's many a desparate woman out there who'd snap you up if the price was right.

Talking bionic bollocks, what about sperm doning? What with you're brains, your looks how could anyone not want to have your genes?

Steve said...

Dicky: do you ever experience a slight burning sensation?

Steve said...

Marginalia: do you think someone would really pay good money for my hamfisted attempts?

Heather said...

the mind does indeed boggle.

Steve said...

Heather: I could probably get you some meds for that.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you should get into the movies - as an extra to begin with. You've got the perfect face for the shifty bearded street vendor, who leers at the heroine when she bends over to look at her broken heel.

Marginalia said...

Steve, if you put it like that. No!

la mujer libre said...

Haha! You've brightened up my afternoon.
Think I've considered all on your list - and discounted them for much the same reasons (though my old ma has always said "they don't look at the mantelpiece when poking the fire, hen" so maybe that's the reason number 1 would bring in a wee bit cash)...
If you discover how to earn money from writing then please tell me!!
Thanks to "the fly on the web" for introducing me to your blog...

lunarossa said...

Surely the writing will pay off sooner or later. Just concentrate to let it happen sooner. Should you still want some "readers" for your novels, I'm available now. Got a kindle from Father Christmas. I actaully asked for an Ipad2 but FC was a bit short of cash this year. Anyway I quite like it! Ciao. A.x

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Bionic bollocks!

I think I'm with Kelloggsville, I'd probably do equipment, it can't be that bad, can it?

the fly in the web said...

It's a great puzzle to me how publications are filled with articles by people who can't write.
I suppose other people who can't write appoint them.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: I bet I could so such scenes in a single double-take.

Marginalia: maybe I could hire an assistant to do it for me?

La mujer libre: be most welcome. Sorry your first introduction to me wasn't quite as edifying as my other... er, actually, it's fine. You've got the picture.

Lunarossa: hey I've been Kindled up too! Will be in touch regarding the novel.

Very Bored in Catalunya: I could handle various bodily enlargement equipment with no problem at all, I'm sure. Not that anyone would see any difference.

The fly in the web: ...to be proofread by people who can't read.

Nana Go-Go said...

Could you Kindle me too?

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: do you mean give you a warm feeling or send my novel to your Kindle? If the latter just email me your Kindle email address and I'll do the biz over the weekend. ;-)

Nana Go-Go said...

Will do.Muchos Grazias!and have a good weekend, lad.

Anonymous said...

Bloke walks akwardky into a hospital, demands to see a doctor.

"What's wrong sir?" asks a nurse.

"There's a steering wheel in me pants," says the bloke.

"Well, I never! I'll fetch the doctor immediately!"

>>Enter Dr. Rash

"A steering wheel in your pants, eh? How did this happen, sir?

" I dunno doc - but it's driving me nuts."

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: will do. Cheers, lass.

Anonymous: it's the way you tell 'em...

Jon said...

Yeah. I'd avoid the meds unless absolutely necessary. Bloke I house shared with at uni did a trial of some kind of blood pressure drug, became impotent and joined the Federation of Conservative Students. Not pretty.

Steve said...

Jon: joined the Tory's?!? Geez. Those meds really fucked him up.

About Last Weekend said...

My sister got money for giving blood when she was a low point in London but later said they said no more as she had a liver problem (not due to alcohol, no no no...)

Being Me said...

Bart's friend Milhouse sold his soul to the devil once. It's not recommended.

Steve said...

About Last Weekend: they pay money if you give blood? I thought it was all charitable. I may have to resort to selling a kidney if things get too bad.

Being Me: doh! ;-)

Nota Bene said...

Sell wife and offspring...it's really the obvious option. Lower overheads and a cash boost. Don't tell them I said that.

TimeWarden said...

The only organ I'd be interested in hiring would be a Hammond, ironically because I can't afford to buy one!

The Sagittarian said...

Maybe you should find a rich ol' lonely codger who wants to rent a family?

Steve said...

Nota Bene: wife caught the train down South this morning with a clawhammer in her handbag. I don't fancy your chances much.

TimeWarden: I'm not sure my body could stretch to one of those.

Amanda: rent is such a dirty word these days.

Owen said...

Are you sure you'll be wanting a cruise in the Mediterranean after watching this weekend's news ?

Now, if you could find a good organ-grinder, you could have your organ ground up, and could no doubt sell the resulting powder in Asia for a fortune, claiming it was rhino horn or some such... You could start a business in it, just have to find a continuing supply... giving new meaning to the phrase "organ donor"...

Steve said...

Owen: I reckon it would work wonders as snuff too. Definitely clear the sinuses.

Livi said...

oh now that's a shame! I was starting to count my pennies to save towards some Stevey Sexing and then you take it off the table.

Life is cruel!

Steve said...

Livi: the mortgage is due at the end of the month. It might be back on the table again pretty soon.

;-)

Mark said...

£7.54 - come on Steve, don't exaggerate your worth. What is blogging without honesty.

As for my value - maybe 50p and a money off coupon.

Steve said...

Mark: we could combine and offer people a bogof deal?

P.S. Have tried to access your recent blog post but am unable to. Just get a white page - have noticed this with some other blogs too so assume it is a problem with Blogger.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Those children will just have to forgo their pressies, methinks!

They're much happier playing with cardboard boxes anyway.

Children get way too much stuff these days. I would never receive more than 3 or 4 pressies, tops, and certainly never more than the odd comic or ladybird book if it wasn't my birthday or Christmas.

Steve said...

Laura: but have you seen the price of comics these days?!