Thursday, April 12, 2012

I've Been To Paradise But I've Never Been To Binley Mega Chippy

Binley Mega ChippyI've been to some posh places in my time. Poked my nose around some hi-falutin' gaffs.

The National Statuary Hall in Washington D.C. The Boboli Gardens in Florence. Abu Simbel in Southern Egypt.

But last Saturday, on a drive back from Coombe Abbey, I passed a building whose sheer majesty and triumphal ambience put all these other places to shame. A palace of ruby and gold wherein must surely reside ancient gods of high renown. It sent shivers down my spine as if a strange wind had blown across my face. Indeed the air seemed to thicken as if with the odour of some hot exotic oil.

Binley Mega Chippy.

42 years living in the Midlands and I never knew that such a thing existed on my doorstep.

I've frequented all kinds of chip shops in my time. High street chippys. Drive-thru burger and fry joints. Hell, we've even got a Pete's Plaice just up the road from my house - a chip shop seller who understands the importance of a well placed pun.

But I have never in my life been to a mega chippy.

As we drove past my hands scrubbed at the car window and I drooled in a manner reminiscent of that famous scene from Midnight Express when Billy tries insanely to paw at the breasts of his girlfriend, Susan, through a sheet of bullet-proof glass. Well. I don't actually know if it was bullet-proof but it was certainly pokey-proof despite Susan's best attempt to punch a couple of ten pence sized holes through the glass.

A mega chippy!

I'll say that again just in case the significance has past you by.

A mega chippy!

Surely the counter and the friers would be made of solid gold! Exotic fish would feature on the extensive menu - dolphin, killer whale, Daryl Hannah - all battered and served with a choice of Bar-B-Q or curry sauce! The chips would be the size of articulated lorries and gloriously cripsy on the outside whilst remaining soft and fluffy on the inside! The countertops would overspill with jars of pickled ostrich eggs and vats of mushy peas so green they must surely have melted emeralds into the mix! And the serving girls! The serving girls would be bouyant Atlantians replete with clamshell bras and silver tridents and voices that could drive a man to dash himself to death on the kebab grills!

Alas I will never know for sure.

We were in the middle lane in heavy traffic and my wife had no intention of stopping, cold hearted harridan that she is!

So we continued on our way along the Brandon Road, my wife ignoring my stangulated cries of new love lost, and Binley Mega Chippy seemed to shrink before my eyes until it was nothing more than a faint pinkish blush on the horizon.

But I know where it is now. Google has furnished me with the map reference. X marks the spot. By accident I have stumbled upon a town that Kings and Queens would give their eye teeth to live in. A place of class and culture. A place where important people live. Big people. People who have "made it" big and like to have it large.

All hail Binley Mega Chippy!

The Olympian chip shop of the gods!



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41 comments:

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Wow - something to put Coventry on the map at last. Who'd have thought it?

May it your every chip fantasy when you get to sample its golden nuggets of potatoness.

Steve said...

Laura: I love it when you talk dirty.

Hannah Denski said...

Now, there's a business idea!? Chippy serving Daryl Hannah! She wouldn't go with mushy peas though (something I've not been able to get used to in all these years!)

We await hungrily for your full report - once you actually manage to visit the place. : )

Steve said...

Hannah: bet she'd go well with salad and ketchup though...

Keith said...

And they say Britain isn't Great any more.

Surely this should feature on those 'take your holiday in Britain" ads that are popping up all over at the moment ( even Tokyo billboards the other night on the news ) You know the one, Julie Walters with a lamb, Mr Fry descending a staircase....

Almost brings a tear to my eye. ( or is that vinegar induced saliva ? )

Incidentally, Daryl would probably night raid a place like this and liberate all the fish inside back to the sea.

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

I do hope it doesn't disappoint. Always a concern when people show off about the size of their establishment: it never quite reaches one's expectations.

Hannah Denski said...

I was thinking more like Saucy Tartar... : )

Steve said...

Keith: yeah, what other country can boast a mega chippy? Hopefully the good people of Binley eat sustainable cod which would appease the goddess Daryl Hannah. If not I'll just have to tuck into her skimpy scampi to keep her quiet.

Trish: do you think their chips will look twice as small in relation to their mighty friers?

Hannah: hold the mayo!

Katriina said...

If there was an award for Best Post Title of 2012, it would now be yours, hands down. Still giggling a bit.

Steve said...

Katriina: the old trophy cabinet has been looking rather sparse of late; I'll take whatever awards are going.

;-)

libby said...

Well why hide your light under your bushel? if you are mega in any way then I say shout it loud!

Steve said...

Libby: absolutely - chips out for the guys!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Don't get your hopes up. It's probably so-named because the frying is done by a 57-year-old woman with an enormous arse. If you enter wearing your Captain Haddock outfit she might let you be the shop mascot. I think you'd last a week before she sat on you.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: this in no way puts me off the chips. Just so you know.

Nota Bene said...

Now on my list of 100 places I must visit before I die...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

Who'd have imagined but you, Fish and Chips as Fusion cuisine. Even if the reality doesn't match the fantasy it sounds like a fantastic business idea - stand aside the golden arches.
PS Shouldn't there be three Bs in Coom(b)e Abbey? Trust me. I'm a pedant.

Nana Go-Go said...

Nirvana comes in all shapes and sizes!
Please tell Mr. Gorilla Bananas that not all 57year-old women have enormous arses.

Thank You and have yourselves a jolly nice weekend.

Steve said...

Nota Bene: to be honest, it probably would kill you.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: and like all pedants, completely correct. Correction now made. ;-)

Nana Go-Go: absolutely. Some of them have very pert arses not necessarily mega arses.

Being Me said...

Finding the best chippy ever is no easy feat. Once found, it must be hailed. I hear you! Hope it's the answer to your battered dreams.

I want to know if you actually left your seat in the car (I assume you sit in the front and weren't in the back already). Did you end up salivating on the parcel shelf like the family dog as the establishment shrank into the distance?

Steve said...

Being Me: hand on heart, if it were not for my sons grasping tightly onto my ankles I would have fallen out of the sunroof and been lost to the Brandon Road slipstream forevermore...

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

That picture has made me sad. It looks very much like it used to be a pub. From someone who worked for 14 years in the pub trade in one form or another, seeing them disappear and turned into chippys and Indian restaurants makes me want to weep.

They better do a good saveloy!

Suburbia said...

I have a vague fantasy of visiting interesting chip shops and photographing them all...omg, must get out more!

( one close to me is called ' The Cod Almighty' I love that,)

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: maybe they serve curry sauce and the mushy peas from the old beer pumps? Now, that would be mega!

Suburbia: yes! A UK chip shop guide! You could do a web site and everything! I'd pay good money for that.

Being Me said...

Suburbia, I think even *I* would pay good money for that (purely for entertainment purposes, I'm in Oz).

Steve said...

Being Me / Suburbia: that sounds like a bona fide commission!

Clippy Mat said...

It's not fair to torture the chip shop deprived in far off lands with tales of megga chippies.
I say you go out in the field forthwith and do a FULL REPORT on this estabishment!!!
G
When you're there get me cod n' chips with salt 'n vinegar and extra batter, wrapped in newspaper of course. And keep it away from ya ganzie the grease is very hard to get out.
Hurry up!

Marginalia said...

It has all the class of a plate of frying fat!

I am disappointed with you. No self respecting piece of cod or cod piece would be seen dead in such a travesty of a building.

Your missus clearly has a sense of taste and pride in unflinchingly driving past that monstrosity.

Which begs a number of questions.

Yours

Cap'n Haddock

John Gray said...

that must be the best blog entry title YET!
you could have added
"I've been undressed by kings and seen some things.....etc etc" but I guess that would be pushing it!

some of my best meals ever have been staggering home from the chippy!!
hummm cheesey chips!

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: I assume you want mega fish and mega chips with mega salt 'n' mega vinegar? Thought so.

Marginalia: there's no point offering you a bite of my saveloy then?

John: undressed by kings? No. That would have been a lie. But I have seen some things...

Owen said...

Waiting on your full forthcoming report on the interior ! A mega report ! And thanks for the flashback to Midnight Express...who could forget that scene, and many others from that most visually violent of movies...

Steve said...

Owen: indeed, it is always gives me an appetite for a fish supper.

Rol said...

Putting aside the "chippy" in its name, that looks like a takeaway joint from South Park or The Simpsons. You have to go back.

Steve said...

Rol: right away, Smithers!

Tenon_Saw said...

Your blog has gone all Black and white; when did that happen? I usually read you in Google Reader so it coudl have been a while back. B/W plays havoc with my eyes.

Steve said...

Tenon_Saw: beginning of April. Circumstances necessitated aan upgrade of template. I've tried to tone down the white on the main text a bit - more grey than white - to try and limit the scope for tone clash.

TimeWarden said...

Best piece of fish I ever had was from Grimsby. Ahhh... those pure white slices of cod covered in a light crispy batter, can't beat it!

Steve said...

TimeWarden: are you being euphemistic?

About Last Weekend said...

I am dying to be send to Coventry to that chipper. Maybe I'll ask my kids to stop talking to me and that'll do the trick

Steve said...

About Last Weekend: be warned - a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips...

Ruth said...

I live not far from this chippy, it is my local. It honestly lives up to it's name. The cod and chips are really really tasty, you missed out on a treat. You MUST go back.

Steve said...

Ruth: I'm totally sold - I will always take a recommmendation from a local.