Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Moob Season

Moobs!25 degrees C and here in the UK the moob flowers are already a-blooming.

Everywhere you look, every vista is positively throbbing with field upon field of rubbery man teats. Everywhere you look. Little pasty ones. Sagging brown ones. Spotty breasty ones. Scary hairy ones. There are even moobs around whose owners have plainly seen Once Were Warriors and have impregnated their guy-jugs with ink in various manly designs. Once Were Warriors? Once Did Woodwork more like.

What is it about the British psyche that produces this almost Pavlovian display of undisplayable flesh? Why do our blokes think that the world wants to see their sweat smeared flesh every time the sun comes out? It’s like there is no shame. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was just  a few blokes who actually worked out every now and then. I mean it would still be annoying and unnecessary but you’d think, OK, they’re ripped, they’ve got a reason to show off. But no. The human toasting-racks do it too. The tin-ribs. And also the manmoths. The guys with guts so big and chest hair so black and glistening it looks like a miniature slagheap is avalanching down their naval.

The sun comes out and suddenly every guy thinks he is an Adonis. Plainly the need to get a tan outweighs the need to be buff and trim.

And I know I’m a hypocrite. I’m not complaining about the skirts on women getting shorter or the tops getting skimpier. I know there is a double standard here. But skirts the width of triage tags aside, women still tend to keep a sense of decorum. They still cover up more than they show. In a weird kind of way I wonder if these men view their own bodies as less sexually potent as that of women and therefore there is less of a public indecency issue if they flounce their boy-nips about? As long as a guy keeps his gristle missile stashed safely away in its silo everything else is fair game.

But is it? Am I the only one who shakes his head and tuts at this ill advised exhibition of drab flesh? I mean, this isn’t corn-fed chicken we’re talking here. It’s beer-and-fag fed cock. We’re talking the kind of form normally only seen on Embarrassing Bodies. Do other countries share this phenomenon? I’m aware that you can usually spot an Englishman abroad in a hot country because he will be the only guy running around topless and red as a lobster whilst complaining that no matter where he goes he can’t shift the smell of undercooked hamburger and BO.

Maybe there’s some kind of macho thing that I’m missing out on here? Some kind of mating ritual akin to peacocks shaking their tales and Lyre Birds mimicking the sounds of chainsaws cutting through IKEA tables? Maybe these guys garner so much female interest as their lad-baps dandle in the breeze that it’s worth the inevitable sunburn and melanoma infestations later in life? I mean, a legover is still a legover, right? And what woman doesn’t want to have the outer skin of her lover left imprinted upon her after he has finished his love administrations? Everybody loves a peeler. They never quite leave you.

So. In case you are wondering. It is hot outside today. Finally. It is hot in the UK. But I’m keeping covered up. I’m wearing my (to quote Rigby from Rising Damp) ‘harvest festivals’ (all is safely gathered in).  My bod is for my wife alone. I mean to stay pale and interesting.

Moob season it might be... but for my perfectly formed nips it is definitely forever Autumn.

(Though I may issue photographs on request.)


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19 comments:

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

'The smell of undercooked hamburger and BO'. You've quite put me off me tea now.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I applaud these men for advertising their sexual undesirability instead of tricking women into thinking they're attractive by wearing clothes. If you're afraid of getting molested, I suggest you wear a bikini rather than roasting in the heat.

Steve said...

Trish: eeh... such men are like Tetley teabags: "let flavour flood out..."

Gorilla Bananas: do you think I wax every week just to wear a suit?

libby said...

Some of the sights you see really are quite unsettling.......and yet the moob owner has no shame and just carries on displaying his body without a care in the world..I almost envy such cavalier attitudes...............and LOVED RIGSBY!

Steve said...

Libby: I wonder if these guys have some kind of body dysmorphia and see themselves as well oiled body builders whenever they look at themselves in the mirror...?

Mrs Worthington said...

we're not a sophisticated nation are we, when it comes to hot weather garb? I find it quite amusing but I wish the moobs would stay hidden along with the pasty white tattoed bods, ew

Steve said...

Mrs Worthington: indeed. The commoners are revolting.

Fran said...

This was very funny. Very funny. Not what you want to see wobbling down the Parade.

Steve said...

Fran: nor indeed dandled over the handlebars of a bike being pedalled furiously towards you.

Wanderlust said...

No moobs! Please.

The bike shed said...

No Steve, don't issue photos - even on request.

Vicky said...

Okay not sure if my original comment got through or not DAMN YOU BLOGGER!

Anyway I traveled for the first time to the UK in August 1990, that was when I got my first glimpse of British moobs and nipple rings, at a motorbike show no less!!

Steve said...

Wanderlust: noobs!?

The Bike Shed: what about as part of a blackmail campaign?

Vicky: whoa! Hardcore Hell's Angel's moobs - the moobs of the devil!

Suburbia said...

Feeling quite faint now!

Steve said...

Suburbia: all these moobs getting you hot under the collar?

London City Mum said...

Oh, I say, well said! And how wonderful to hear this from a male as well!

What can I add? The warmer the sun, the darker my shades (for all the reasons you nominate above).

And the thicker the level of sarcastic comments, of course.

LCM x

Steve said...

LCM: the more moobs I am unwillingly confronted with the more I wish I were Stevie Wonder.

Owen said...

Trying hard to keep my dinner down...

Steve said...

Owen: some guys wear their dinner on the outside...