Friday, July 13, 2012

CrapNav

I’m not sure how I feel about SatNavs.

My wife and I came to them late and initially were quite resistant. Reliance on such electronic devices dulls the brain; our natural intelligence can only mildew and entropy as a consequence – map reading after all is a highly prized skill. I mean, let’s face it, there is no sure-fire way of getting a choice piece of totty into your bed than by revealing you are a master cartographer. Take it from me, a woman likes a man who pays special attention to every contour and physical depression. Plus there is no finer joy in life than the smell of old vellum and seeing the words “here be monsters” just above the place where X marks the spot.

Sorry. I may have mixed up my metaphors rather unfortunately in that last paragraph.

Last year though Karen and I splashed out on a brand spanking new TomTom.

And although it has undoubtedly removed the pleasure of running an index finger along a representation of an A road marked on a sheet of glossy A4 paper it has provided another pleasure. The pleasure of heading off the beaten track, taking the scenic route, taking a chance on a wrong turn and knowing that no matter where you end up the SatNav will instantly re-program a new route to get you back home again safely. It’s like you are able to get lost without the stress of actually getting lost. It’s absolutely brilliant.

There is also quite a market in novelty SatNav “voices”.

And this got me thinking that, with the help of a digital recorder and a decent script, I could possibly cash in on this.

My ideas thus far are -

The Paranoid SatNav: “Turn left, left, quick, no right, step on it, faster, faster, come on! No they’re still behind us, do a U-Turn – NOW! NOW! MOVE! MOVE! Shit! They’re still on our tail. I can’t shake them off; they’re getting closer! Goddamit! Well, they won’t take us alive! You hear me? They won't take us alive! Aaargh!”

The Agoraphobic SatNav: “Oh my God! What do you think you’re doing? It’s the whole world out here, man... The whole world, like, absolutely everywhere! Run! Run! Get back into the house! Why did you even think to come outside? What the hell were you thinking?!”

The Irish Drunk SatNav: “Ar t’be shoor, I knows a shortcut that’ll take a gud half hour off the jerney, jus yoose lissen ter me. Head down here passed The Ol’ Shebeen, mebbe pop inside fer a quick point, ar t’be sure if it’s a lock-in yer after jus mention moi name and Podraig will see yer roight, yer in no rush t’get home now ar yer?”

The Official Olympic SatNav: “Yes, I know you’ve been planning this trip for the last 7 years but I’m just not effing ready, OK?”

Any more will be gratefully received. I’ll share any earnings with you gladly. In fact I’ll even drop them round in person.

If I can find your house, that is.

19 comments:

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

We had ours programmed as Dr. Death for ages, every now and again he would pipe up with such hilarities as 'there is something in the boot' and 'take me to the nearest cemetery'. As you can imagine it got boring very quickly.

Personally though, I hate Sat Navs, for someone who struggles with left and right they are a bloody nightmare. Give me road signs with arrows anyday.

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: ours has a visual aid of a nice green arrow on the map display that shows us the way to go as well as a posh female voice that says "turn (pause) left". Sometimes we ignore her and I would love for her to get huffy when we do that.

Martin Lower said...

I'll have you know I was a Scout and can read a map!
Satnav? Humphhh...

Gorilla Bananas said...

The car sex Sat Nav that moans when you press the accelerator and pants when you shift gears. As well as avoiding arguments over maps, the couple would be in the right mood for the hotel room. It could save a million marriages.

Hannah Denski said...

: D ah, you fell for that piece of gadget!

How about 'personalised' one with Mrs. Steve voice - Come home honey, I am cooking, faster faster! : D x

Nota Bene said...

John Terry says your quip about the Irish drunk is racist and you'll be hearing from the police soon.

I can never understand why they always use a female voice...we all know women can't read maps.....

Expat mum said...

I hate our car's sat nav with a passion. I did a 7 hour journey last weekend and went about half an hour out of my way because of it. And then it had the cheek to say it was "recalculating" when I decided to use a map! Grr.
There should be a Sulky Sat Nav - "Fine. You just do it by yourself then. I'm going to switch myself off since you're paying no attention to me anyway. Don't know why I bother......".

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

We have a love/hate relationship with SatNavs - we had the one in Toronto that started speaking French, then took us through a tunnel under the streets of Montreal so we lost the signal and didn't know where to go when the road split.
But your question is to suggest a new voice. How about the 'Wife in a sulk' satnav who will refuse to give any directions at all after any criticism of her navigation skills.

the fly in the web said...

I've just shown this to a Costa Rican friend.
He says he wants one to issue to politicians which directs them to the place where hundreds of enraged citizens beat them to death with baseball bats.

I know it means more work than just doing a voice and dialogue....but it would sell.....

Steve said...

Martin: nothing wrong with being old school. Dib dib dib...

Gorilla Bananas: it could also cause road traffic accidents... "faster, faster, no... up a bit... just there... oh, oh don't stop, don't stop...!" You catch my drift?

Hannah: to be honest just her heavy breathing would do it. ;-)

Nota Bene: John Terry can come and kiss my black, lesbian arse. My wife is coming round to kick yours.

Expat Mum: I'd love a sulky SatNav. "Oi! Oi! Are you listening to me? I said, are you listening? Well, eff you then! Don't come running to me when you get lost 'cos me and the satellite... we ain't talking to you no more!"

Trish: but then we'd be in danger of rendering "the wife", as a concept, totally obsolete.

The fly in the web: I'd be happy with having them driven straight to prison but a bloody thirsty mob works just as well.

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

Can I just say that I hadn't seen Expat Mum's sulky SatNav comment before I added my sulky SatNav comment (your approval system makes me look like a copycat). But just shows yet again how we cousins both think the same!

Steve said...

Trish: great minds, my friend, great minds...

Being Me said...

Heh heh, Trish, that's so funny! I love how cousins can be so similar. ShatNav's are not my thing. I get sweaty palms relying on them. Control freak? Me? Much? Although we've used them when we have hire cars and in a totally unfamiliar city, they work fine.

Got a ShatNav story for you: A friend of mine has one on her mobile (somehow... I don't know what it's called) and she uses it all the time. One day she had to find a church, to go and pay respects to a young person who had died. She found the church no probs, went inside to where there were quite a few people - it wasn't a service, she was just going to light a candle and quiet reflection, etc. After a minute, she hears from her bag a very loud "You have reached your destination......" I think there were a few stunned eyes raised to the ceiling.

Steve said...

Being Me: a SatNav to the afterlife now there's a thought...! Maybe a moral SatNav would be more useful for life itself? "You are doing the right thing... follow this course of action... no, you are making a bad turn, this deviation will not work for you." I could make a fortune. Sorry. We. We could make a fortune.

Katriina said...

When we lived in Tokyo, SatNav was the only thing that saved us from constant, hopeless geographic embarrassment. I'm crap enough with maps without also having to deal with streets that aren't named, houses that are numbered but not in the order that they appear on the street, etc.!

The Sagittarian said...

Haha, a firend of ours lives in Sydney and whenwe went to visit him he was using the SatNav thingy whatsit...it kept trying to make us drive into the Sydney Harbour...

Steve said...

Katriina: sounds like the JapNav was a resounding success!

Amanda: I must admit whenever we visit museums and such like our SatNav does have a tendency to take us to the tradesman's entrance rather than the front doors... not sure what thay says about us really.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

After Being Me's Sat Nav to the After Life I have to add the Sat Nav that nearly didn't get the mourners to the funeral. It took the driver up onto the rough shingle track that runs along the top of the river stop bank instead of along the parallel country road to this Secret Garden.
A voice? Couldn't you make some money with a Steve-Steve that slips biting irony into the directions...

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: oh don't tempt me. ;-)