Thursday, August 16, 2012

I'll Give You A Klout Around The Ear

Alex KingstonI haven't, if I'm honest, got Klout.

I haven't got it and I don't get it.

I have, at best, a tolerate / hate relationship with Facebook. When I think about it too much I feel my lips pull up into a sneer as I calculate the myriad ways that this whole particular social networking platform is spiritually and morally wrong. When I don't think about it at all I post funny pictures and status updates with comedic value.

Occasionally I'll let Twitter be my bitch. But I treat it mean and keep it locked up in the basement for most of the time. I'll cold-shoulder it for weeks on end before gracing it with a brief caress; before I brush a finger across its erogenous zone. And then, just as its about to come, I'll drop it.

Screw you, Twitter. You love it.

But Klout foxes me.

I keep getting Klout requests and notifications and I cannot for the life of me work out what I am supposed to do with them. I can't even work out if I'm meant to be pleased that someone has Klouted me. In common parlace I'd say probably not; I ought to be pissed off. But people are sending them to me in the same spirit as a poke on Facebook. And even I know that a good poke is good for the soul.

But what the fuck is Klout?

Can someone please tell me?

I click on the links when someone throws a Klout my way and, yes, a page opens in my browser that looks rather glossy and slick but I cannot see any direction at all as to what I am supposed to do next. Other than to shrug my shoulders and think to myself, "OK, that's several hundred nanoseconds of my life that I'll never be able to devote back to internet porn" and then I close down the window.

I'm guessing Klout is some kind of competition. A popularity contest. I'm guessing the idea is to build up some kind of influence on the internet and Klout gauges just how much clout one has accrued.

But it also seems transparent to me that other web sites don't give a shit what Klout says so having acres of clout on Klout is going to benefit me a fat load of diddly-squat.

Will it get me a table reservation at The Ivy for tomorrow lunchtime? No.

Will it get me onto the film set of Doctor Who and into the knickers of Alex Kingston? No.

Will it buy me credit enough with my bank manager than I can resign from my job with instant effect and never have to return next week to it when my holiday ends? No.

In that case I am not interested.

The only clout you're going to get from me, Klout, is the back of my hand.

23 comments:

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

There are many things about social media I am unable to fathom, Klout being one of them. I don't understand it just as I don't understand Google + with its circles and streams. There are too many different ways to interact, showcase and promote blogs. It all gets too much and then, like you, I revert to just writing about things and hope people read and enjoy.

Steve said...

Trish: yup. I can cope with writing about things. But all this groups and streams stuff... it brings back bad memories of school. I didn't fit in then either.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Klout? What nonsense is this? Could it be a mis-spelling of Klute, the detective played by Donald Sutherland? Maybe you can look forward to Jane Fonda jumping on you when you're snoozing in your pyjamas.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: do you think it's worth me dusting off the old Barbarella costume?

Being Me said...

I'm with Trish. Klout is ridiculous. I'm not entirely sure there is anyone out there who actually takes their Klout score seriously (I know enough to know there is some sort of score you get - which means someone in Boise, ID, could give you Klout for knowing about the mating habits of the preying mantis.... without knowing a) you or b) if you do). See? Ridiculous.

Being Me said...

Oh God. My comment sent. And I spelled it "preying". That paints the poor little stick insect in an entirely character-assassinating light now! Sorry Mr Mantis!

Steve said...

Being Me: do I get points for being able to date classic Lego sets by eye alone or do I lose points for that?

Steve said...

Being Me: character-assassinating light? I don't think so. Those guys don't hang around to make friends, you know!

Being Me said...

But they pray, Steve. They don't prey! (or... do they? Is the spelling just a ruse?)

Steve said...

Being Me: I'll bet my last dollar they've never said Grace in the whole history of evolution but they've caught and eaten a lot of innocent insects.

Nota Bene said...

Oh. I've never heard of Klout. And it has never heard of me. I am a social media pariah.

the fly in the web said...

I think my level of social networking is still in the runner with message in forked stick stage...

Steve said...

Nota Bene: apparently that's the new black.

The fly in the web: I quite like semaphore. Though my hand gestures are not orthodox.

Expat mum said...

I keep getting Klout messages and apparently my score has gone up considerably of late. No idea what I have done to deserve a higher Klout score nor what I'm supposed to do with it for that matter. It's a bit like my ranking in the Tots 100 list - I'm told it goes up and down quite a bit but again, who knows why.

Steve said...

Expat Mum: it's like winning a lottery where the first prize is someone thinking well of you but you have no idea who that person is.

joebloggs said...

Do you get nectar points with it or is it just more made up nonsense to keep the feckless amused?

If you amass 100 Klouts do you have a Klunge?

libby said...

Great..something else I don't know about.... that makes me feel about 100yrs old...but hey y'know what? I couldn't care less....sticking with blogging and snail mail and playing with a hoop and a stick......

Steve said...

Joe: I've been called a klunge on occasion. Or a word very like it.

Libby: life was a lot simpler before this interweb thing, wasn't it?

The Poet Laura-eate said...

You're one up on me Steve. I've never heard of it and never (to my knowledge) been klouted.

For the sake of my own sanity I don't see myself getting involved in anything else though.

As for Twitter, it died a death and I never did get my head around it.

Hannah Denski said...

I've no klout what it is... and never have been klouted either!? Meh. ; ) x

Steve said...

Laura: I'll klout you anytime you want. Just say the word. ;-)

Hannah: ditto above!

Keith said...

Never heard of it. And I work on the principle that if I don't know what it is, I probably don't need it.

If it's any consolation I have been ignoring a daily request to update my growler for three years now.

Or have I got that all wrong ?

Steve said...

Keith: update your growler? I'm tempted to make jokes about marriage guidance counselling.