Friday, August 24, 2012

When You Have A Pussy You Never Pee Alone

A sure-fire way to overcome shy bladder syndrome is to have a very young boy in the household who needs to be taught correct man pee etiquette.

But there is only so much that can be taught via words alone, especially when your shared vocabulary reference points centre around Raa-Raa The Noisy Lion or The Cat In The Hat.

You have to give practical demonstrations which cover stance, distance from the bowl, water pressure and the inevitable final shake-off.

These are life skills that take a number of months for any pre-schooler to master sufficiently well enough that they can choreograph the perfect pee without getting their water on the floor, on their feet or, indeed, the gusset of their pants.

By the end of it though you should have a boy who can shoot the bum hairs off a gnat and a dad who finds he can now relax so well that he could pee live on stage at the London Palladium in front of Her Majesty the Queen and (unlike Prince Philip) manage a constant and smooth flow with no kangaroo-hopping at all.

And indeed that was the case with me.

Until the introduction of a couple of inquisitive kittens into the family dynamic a few months ago.

Curiosity might not always kill the cat but it is guaranteed to get its head wet...

Our kittens are much taken with our toilet.

They run from the sound of the flush but then return immediately to have a good nose around the bowl. At first, this was restricted to the lowering of tentative whiskers into the opening. It soon progressed, however, to walking on all fours around the rim.

Our attempts to discourage this behaviour have singularly failed.

And it has led to a disturbing new development.

I now find I cannot “water the trouser snake” without having a pair of pointy kitten ears and the back of a kitten head protruding from between my legs at about knee height.

Even more disconcerting though, on occasion, I now find a pair of glowing kitten eyes looking straight up at me and making insistent and hungry eye contact from somewhere deep beneath my trigger finger.

I’m finding that my flow is not as strong as it once was...


30 comments:

Wylye Girl said...

Gizmo, our deaf and daft cat, has a habit of jumping on the toilet seat just as you go to sit down. More than once his pure white fur has come out of the encounter with a slight yellow tinge!

Steve said...

Wylye Girl: oh well, it must save a fortune in loo roll.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The way to discipline cats is to squirt them. Not with your pee, that would be abominable, and I doubt your flow is strong enough to deliver an effective chastisement. Just blast them with a water pistol while shouting "Ho, begone!". Never fails to make them run away.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: I bet I could dislodge them from the rim with a well aimed number 2.

the fly in the web said...

Just add our Alsatian to the scenario....on hearing the loo flush he charges in to drink from the bowl knocking for six anyone in his path rash enough still to be fumbling with the undergarments.
And don't say
Shut the door.
Such is the layout of the loo that as he blasts in, the door flies across and traps you between the wall and the washbasin.....
Yet another little tick on the 'to be done' list....

Nota Bene said...

As Larry Grayson says/said, "Shut that door"....but try to avoid shutting their tails in it...

Heather said...

it would be more the sharp pointy teeth and claws of a playful kitten that I would be worried about. *winces*

John Gray said...

congratulations for the best blog entry title of the onth

Steve said...

The fly in the web: I bet he has mean dog breath.

Nota Bene: they're too damned quick. Even Usain Bolt would be left in their dust.

Heather: what's that famous book title? The Kitten's Revenge by Claude Balls...?

John: an accolade indeed. Thank you.

Rol said...

I'm starting to think the only reason you got these kittens is so you could write "pussy" headlines.

Steve said...

Rol: Yeah, you got me.

Wanderlust said...

Our kitties like to play with the running sink water, but thankfully ignore the toilet. however, I'm thinking this might be an opportunity to toilet train them? Just think, no more litter box cleaning.

Owen said...

There's only one solution... you'll just have to start sitting down to pee... and pussy can jump on your knees while you're seated, everyone's thus rendered content, including who ever cleans the bathroom... much more hygienic that way, apparently...

Oh, btw, there are some funny videos on YouTube of cats that have been trained to use the toilet themselves, and some can even flush afterwords !

Steve said...

Wanderlust: it's bad enough discovering long abandoned kiddie turds and having to flush those away without happening on kitty poo too.

Owen: so you think it will be fine for me to be sat down with my pants and trousers around my ankles and a kitten sat in my naked lap?

Being Me said...

Cats are weird with their fascination with water outlets. Don't think too long about that. Our cat, for instance, will try everything she can to go in the plug hole of the bath. Why??? WHY!?

Steve said...

Being Me: OK. On second thoughts maybe I need to cancel the installation of a bidet.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

Crikey, this is worth coming back for. Haven't had much time to read all my favourite blogs, so a spare hour at the end of a Saturday night and I am in fits as I reconnect with you - such candour. My cat comes and stretches himself with unsheathed claws on my unsheathed thighs!

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: oo-er missus! Not while you are about your toilet, I hope?!

Nana Go-Go said...

Pussy Galore at yours then?Have a good weekend.
(good holiday?I haven't caught up yet, I've been basking in my glory at the Trelawynd Flower Show last week....ok, I'll stop now!)

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: did you take a prize by any chance?

Tenon_Saw said...

Ah, 'good' old SBS.

I like the new template Steve.

Steve said...

Tenon_Saw: Special Boat Service? Saïd Business School?

Tenon_Saw said...

Nay lad - you coined the phrase "shy bladder syndrome" I abbreviated it to SBS. I thought it was just me who suffered...

Steve said...

Tenon_Saw: ah. Now, like the perfect pee, all is clear.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

That's exactly what I mean.

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: must be welcome in winter...

Suzanne said...

Our cat is quite partial to drinking out of the toilet - ew.

Steve said...

Suzanne: before or after?

Suburbia said...

That's so funny
Got to love 'em
Our new cat is 16, he's lazy and not much fun but at least you know where he's going to be at any given point in the day ...his bed

Steve said...

Suburbia: so that's the answer. Get an OAP cat.