Monday, January 28, 2008

The Grundies

It could be the pall of fog that has descended over the Midlands. It could be the cold that has swelled up in my respiratory passages like a water filled balloon. It could even just be the time of year...

But I feel like pants this morning.

And not nice, saucily exotic pants either but dull, off-white, verging on grey pants with a bobbly gusset.

In the great Pantheon of the Pant Gods, I have been transfigured by the Pant God of Death and Depression.

My elasticised waist is ropey and loose. I’ve gone horribly baggy around the back. The fabric around the front is wearing unpleasantly thin. And the less said about the skid-marks on the left inside leg the better.

I need a makeover but boxers and G-strings just aren’t my style.

I’d go commando but I have strong pacifist leanings.

Sports briefs on someone as naturally sedentary as myself just wouldn’t wash.

And as for fig leaves... well, they bring me out in a rash.

Geez. Is there really no other alternative but ladies underwear?

Aren’t I depressed enough without having to shop at Ann Summers for myself...?

18 comments:

Old Cheeser said...

Do you really need new pants or is this whole thing just a metaphor for your cold, Stevenage?

Steve said...

OC, I could always use new pants.

I was going to make a joke about using them to blow my nose in... but I decided that would be a bit too gross. Even for me. Man sized issues, etc.

**Sniff**

At least I haven't lost my sense of humour...

Reluctant Blogger said...

We have The Fog here too.

A gold thong is probably what you need to lift your mood (and other things besides).

My undies are - like my mood- black today!

Steve said...

Hi Gina. A gold thong eh? Hmm. Not worn one of them since my days with the Chippendales... cough cough! Or should that be Chipperfield's (as in circus)? Hey, I could always joke that my wife has the Midas touch, couldn't I? Sorry. Couldn't resist.

By the way, thank you for sharing. Mine are, quite literally, grey. I think it's about time someone invented "mood pants" - pants that change colour depending on your mood and bio-rhythms... mine would then be a rather bland shade of tan or Desert Rat brown.

Hmm. I sense that my post has started off a wonderful, new philosophical debate...

Rol Hirst said...

I feel the same.

Maybe there's something in the blogger's water.

TimeWarden said...

I believe Ann Summers is pretty expensive, Steve, though I couldn't say for certain!

Maybe a consultation with Jeremy Paxman is in order, a challenge indeed for the latest Man at M&S!!

-eve- said...

I liked this analogy.... unique! :-)

Steve said...

Indeed TimeWarden, nice to know that pant-based dilemmas even afflict the great and mighty as well as the more humble among us. Not sure I could cope with M&S pants though... "these are not just pants, these are hand-woven, rose perfumed, tongued-and-grooved Marks & Spencer Paxman pants..."

Thanks Eve... though my ability to maintain any sort of anology is severely hampered this morning due to an advanced state of the sniffles...

MOTHER OF MANY said...

Talking of pants reminds me of my ex-father-in-law who kept his old y-fronts in the glove box of his car to wipe the windscreen. I kid you not! He was an avid recycler before it was popular.
As for your pants Steve, you have a strange imagination!Impressive but strange.

Steve said...

I think my imagination is the result of a mind-numbingly boring job. God knows what I'd be like if I actually did anything interesting...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

PLEASE do not go there with the change colour mood pants! Do you remember those HYPERCOLOUR t-shirts that changed colour when people got hot? WHat were they called again? Anyway, when people sweated, the shirt remained blue but the pits went bright yellow or pink. What a rubbish fashion item that was.

What was it called? hyperglow? ????

The Sagittarian said...

Find out what Martin Kemp or Hugo Speer wear. Then wear that. I am sure Mrs Steve would agree.

Matthew Rudd said...

Differences between men and women, #361:

Men can wear the same pair of pants for three days in a row.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Funnily enough Steve I've just written a blog posting about the pant-ness of female attire - mostly pants indeed - you've inspired me to consider pasting it up next. Though another rant next to my current lightbulb rant might be too many rants in one clump!

We artistes have to be wary of these things y'know! ;-)
Here's to the efficacy of the Night Nurse in her rounds to banish that lurgy!

Reluctant Blogger said...

Now I quite like the changing colour pants idea. It would save any of those embarrassing misunderstandings during romantic encounters, wouldn't it? If someone's pants hadn't turned red by the time you get down to the underwear stage you would know you were onto a loser.

My pants are less black today - well, perhaps black with white polka dots. Sexy or what?

Hope yours are less sludge brown (oh dear the thought makes me feel a little queasy) and that you are recovering from your cold.

Gina

Steve said...

Hi Mermaid, yes I vaguely recall the colour changing T-shirt idea though I can't for the life of me recall the name of them. Sweaty cherry coloured pits (though a great title for a Cocteau Twins song) wouldn't really be a great selling point... the technology would have to be re-worked for the pants idea methinks.

Hi Amanda, according to your blog Mr Kemp was wearing nowt... I'll run that idea by Mrs Steve and see what she says!

Matthew, you're right... by which time the pants have changed colour on their own without the aid of fancy heat sensitive dyes and fabrics. Trouble is there is also a change in odour and it is never for the best...

Laura, you can never have too many rants. Especially rants about pants. I look forward to reading it as I seem to be pant and bodice centric at the moment... ;-)

Gina, you're right. Why give off signals that can be misinterpreted when your pants can make everything clear? The technology could also be adapted so that coloured symbols could be entailed into the design... arrows, prohibition signs and the like, to help the inexperienced pantonaut... there could be a real educational aspect to the whole idea. I think my pants are black today. I'm not sure. I put them on in the dark (typical man). I just know they are clean. And no, I didn't smell them first to check...!

Daisy said...

i don't know if they are call "sport" but they do have those ones that are a little looser fitting boxers which are tighter on the leg and package which might help...my husband prefers those...omg i am way too old...i'm talking men's underwear!

btw...hanes has the nicest ones :)

The Hitch said...

Ai Yah Steve !
go for "trunk" underpants, close fitting ,part lycra.
They offer support , comfort and stop the old chap spilling out.
Marks and Spencers undies are indeed
PANTS!