Monday, August 04, 2008

The Hack And The Knack

A week to go until my summer hols and with typical good timing my nose is streaming and I’ve developed a hacking cough. I sound like General Grievous only with a slightly annoying Midlands twang. Now there’s a movie – “me an’ the lads ‘ave all been trayned actuall-aye in the ways of the Jed-aye...”

It ain’t nice and it ain’t pretty.

And it’s put me in a bad mood.

See, I should be at home putting my feet up, being waited on and reading a good book. But because I’m on holiday next week I kind of feel honour bound to drag my bones into work this week. Otherwise it just looks like I’m taking the pee and caning an extra week’s holiday out of my employers. Cos that’s what they’ll think, oh believe me, they will.

So I’m at work with my hacking cough and my streaming nose and am exhibiting a major case of the grumps and feel like I want to kill someone. Nothing bad has happened, you understand – nothing huge – but I’m being plagued by lots of petty gripes. A veritable hailstorm of trivial complaints.

Now let me tell you, a thousand wasps are far more life threatening than one solitary rhino. Or something like that.

The main cause of consternation in my peers is this: a lock has broken on a door. Not just any old door but the door to the main Art Store. And if that door won’t close properly it means we can’t alarm the building at close of business... so technically we’ve got a huge effing hole punched into our security measures and (more worryingly ) our insurance policies. So yes it’s a bit of a problem. But the door will close if you have the knack. The knack shouldn’t be necessary I admit – the door should just close and the lock engage all on its own – but that’s not how it is right now. You need to wiggle the handle a bit, tease the lock with the key. Caress the mechanism. Show a bit of love. Then the door will close and lock as good as gold.

I’ve told people this. You need to employ the knack until the locksmith arrives. There’s nothing to be done until then. Either use the knack or don’t use the knack. But don’t bother me with it. I need peace and quiet and space enough to cough up my lungs in a manner that befits my station in life.

i.e. All over my kennel.

Bloody dogsbody, me. Bah.

14 comments:

Rol said...

You have my sympathy - I've been suffering MANflully with a cold all weekend.

I do hope there's no burglars reading your blog though...

Steve said...

Ah Rol, I wonder if I can drop the word "MANflully" into conversations at work without people fully noticing? It would certainly help this week to pass in a more entertaining fashion. As for burglars... do they actually read? Or am I resorting to offensive middle class stereotypes as my bad mood spirals out of control?

Tristan said...

Mate - are you ever NOT ill? I can see a 'Steve in a bubble' scenario developing here! Mind you, I'm taking the mick, but I've just done me back in again - ouch!

Steve said...

Tris, I do get a few seconds of respite inbetween life threatening illnesses... dare I ask how you've done your back in?

TimeWarden said...

My neck's been hurting these last two days, if anyone's interested?!!

Getting in a good supply of ice cream, for next week, should sort out any and all of your ailments, Steve!!! ;-)

Steve said...

Sorry to hear about your neck, TimeWarden - I hope the physician will be taking his own advice and buying in a huge stock of ice cream! I shall be acquiring some Ben & Jerries, methinks...

The Sagittarian said...

Spit spot. Come along now, young Master Steve. Can't let the old cough man get you! Tra la la la. How are you poppet?

LucyFishwife said...

No cracks about manflu from me - I appreciate that it's a problem too little is known about, that Society has turned its back on, whose sufferers are mocked and jeered at because of the ignorance of the general public (blushingly accepts Best Spouse medal). The answers, Steve, are codeine, hot lemon and honey (home made NOT Lemsip) and a soaky bath.

Steve said...

All the better for your Mary Poppins impression, Amanda. Are you able to pull out really long lampstands from your handbag by any chance? ;-)

Steve said...

Lucy, surely you are a goddess among lesser women, an angel who can point the way to a new dawn of enlightenment and tolerance... manflu sufferers everywhere salute you. God bless you, ma'am.

P.S. Can you bring me a choccy biscuit to have with my lemonade please? And a nice fluffy pillow? And can you leave the TV remote on the arm of my chair? Ta.

-eve- said...

Awwhhh... it sounds like you're the only one with the knack! :-)
Here's hoping you get better soon :-)

Steve said...

Alas, Eve, the knack is no longer efficacious as the lock jammed utterly this morning and even my magic couldn't work a miracle upon it. In the end, armed with screwdrivers and a hammer, we removed the lock completely until the locksmith can get here (ETA tomorrow). The knack is no longer necessary. The knack is superfluous to requirements. The knack is sacked. Ah well.

I am feeling a little better today... just coughing like a consumptive! ;-)

The Sagittarian said...

Steve, you would be astounded at what I can get outta my bag!! I do agree with LFW on the hot lemon honey drinks tho', those have gotta be homemade!

Steve said...

Amanda, I've heard that from other sources too - hot lemonade mixed with a spoonful of honey and a shot of whiskey. Hell, worth feeling a bit crook for I say!