Monday, September 07, 2009

Domestic Violence

It shames me to admit that, this weekend, I have been the victim of this.

You know how it goes. You get too close. You don’t give someone enough space. You press the wrong buttons.

Suddenly something gives.

Something snaps.

A sudden quick movement.

Physical contact is made.

You’re left reeling. Shocked. In pain...

There is blood.

After Tom headbutted me he gave me a funny look – a look that said why were you trying to kiss the top of my head when I was playing with my Duplo Police Car anyway? Couldn’t you see I was busy?

He seemed uninjured by the encounter and carried on watching Cbeebies as if nothing had happened. Meanwhile I ran to the kitchen sink and spat the blood from my split lip down the plughole and checked my teeth. Thankfully they were all still there. Just a bit wonky but that’s normal.

Today I have a pout that is both scabby and bruised. I look like I’ve been Botoxed by a scheister.

I’m sure the Scottish contingent of my family will be smiling mawkishly at this story. Ah bless the wee bairn. His first Glasgow Kiss!

Harrumph!

All I can say is, it effing hurt!

However after a quick counselling session Tom and I are fine again. We’ve talked it through using Gestalt therapy techniques and have come up with a relationship work plan which should prevent such acts of violence from ever occurring again...

I’m going to give him a bit more space when he’s playing and Tom... well, Tom, is going to carry on as normal.

Cos he’s just perfect as he is.


25 comments:

justme said...

I know that backwards head but well.
Poor you! And stay OFF the crisps!!!

Steve said...

Justme: I've been told the salt has antiseptic and healing properties...! Ouch!

Tenon_Saw said...

I'd book your root canal treatment now, just in case.

Steve said...

Tenon_Saw: good point. I might buy a boxer's gum shield as well...

Anonymous said...

Hi Steve,
This is deeply strange. I live in Preston and have just come in from work to find your Russell Howard post copied and printed in the blog round-up section of the Lancashire Evening Post tonight!! So youfamous in t'North.....
Helen (Codd)

Steve said...

Helen: Blimey! Fame at last! Mind you, might have been nice if they'd asked my permission first! Don't suppose you could buy me a copy? I'd see you properly renumerated...?!

Löst Jimmy said...

Ouch!

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: don't make my boy angry... you wouldn't like him when he's angry...

missbehaving said...

Yeah 'OUCH!' is what it is.
My friend's little boy is the phase of thinking he is putting his head down for you to kiss while holding him, but head butts you, tis painful, your post was very funny though, so it's all worth it ( to me;) )

Clippy Mat said...

ooh I feel your pain. a glesga kiss or a byker teacake in my (old) neck of the woods. take care :-)

Owen said...

I can't believe this ! Would you believe me if I told you the same exact thing happened to me also this weekend ? Seriously... this is too weird. This has never happened to me before in 16 years of child rearing either. Saturday afternoon I was getting ready to leave for work, ran up to my 12 year old daughter's room to give her a quick kiss before leaving for work. She was sitting at her desk, and suddenly started to stand up just as I was bendig down to kiss the top of her head... which caught me right in the lips... splitting both upper and lower... I went out to the bathroom and spat blood in the sink... then came back and laughing through the tears told her it was ok, it was an accident, not to worry... but jeez, here I am with two very tender lips, puffed up, black inside from the bruising. Hmmm what day and time did yours happen ? Me, it was Saturday, about 15h00... I haven't been smacked in the mouth like that in donkey's years. What are the chances of the same thing happening to two of us like that ??? I told people at work that my wife had hit me with a frying pan... Well, if you want to come over for an aspirin and a slug of rhum, well, just hop on the Eurostar... Hope you'll be mending up fast... I know, it hurt like hell for a minute there...

The Sagittarian said...

Poor you, I guess you had best keep the lemon outta the gin for a day or two as well!

Steve said...

MissBehaving: glad to know that my pain has been your gain! ;-)

Clippy Mat: byker teacake? Haven't heard that before! Very funny!

Owen: does this make us blood brothers? The rum sounds mighty good though my tipple of choice would be whiskey (hey - we'd never argue over the bottle)! Mine occurred Sunday afternoon around 4pm - so not as synchronous as it might have been. But even so. The same weekend? In the Universal scope of things that's practically at the same time!

Amanda: I knew there'd be a downside. But only a small one. Who needs 5 a day anyway?

Brother Tobias said...

I'm deeply sympathetic. (Something similar happened to me last time I tried to kiss someone with a police car).

Steve said...

Brother T: yes, our bobbies can be quite unfriendly sometimes can't they?

Gypsy said...

Ow...poor you. Maybe you need to make it a habit to only kiss the boys on the face rather than the top of their heads. It might be safer.

Nota Bene said...

I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but sounds like a Tom Williams 'blood injury' to me. I'm calling for an enquiry.

Steve said...

Gypsy: I think there's a market here for a parental guide... a book and a DVD at the very least...!

Steve said...

Nota Bene: can I please draw your attention to the fake nose and moustache and the rubber arrow that appears to have gone completely through my head?

Anonymous said...

Steve,
I'll send you my copy of the LEP as long as I haven't donated it to the guinea pig already.I'll check at home.....
Hx

Steve said...

Helen: you're a star. Apologies to the guinea pig for his deprivations.

Rol said...

I remember when I was a kid, I used to play fight with my dad. As I got older, on occasion I'd get too rough and really hurt him. I always felt terrible after.

Still, I was about 15 or so at the time... he wasn't getting beaten up by a nipper. ;-)

Steve said...

Rol: are you callin' me soft? Eh? Eh?

French Fancy said...

Ouch! Those parental waves of love are going to have to be curbed during playtime I reckon. Save it for when they are fast asleep and can do no damage.

Have I missed lots of your other posts? - it seems to be ages since I've been there

Steve said...

FF: it's possible you have missed a few though I was on holiday a couple of weeks ago and my output dropped noticeably as a consequence! :-)

And yes kisses on the top of children's head are always safer when delivered during slumber...! But you don't get the cheeky grin in response...