Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Just A Small Sample

I had to remove a little bit of me and insert it into a plastic tube last night.

A part of me that has been succoured on my blood and the food I intake daily. I’ve walked around with it. Slept with it. Worked hard and played hard with it (according to my old school Principal’s motto).

And then this morning I dropped it off at the Doctor’s reception desk without even a fond farewell or a by-your-leave. We didn’t even exchange a hug.

Abandoned. Orphaned. Destined for some white coated scientist’s lab... Some Uni post grad who’ll dissect it, analyse it, microscope it and then... gulp... see if something grows on it. I have sent it out into the big wide world with neither my protection nor my blessing.

Well. It was beginning to be more trouble than it was worth. And at the end of the day dodgy toenails are notoriously hard to love.

Over the years it had become ridged, thick and ugly looking. More like a dog’s dewclaw than a toenail. By and large I ignored it. I clipped it along with its brothers same as usual but bestowed no special fondness upon it.

I was a bit ashamed of it really. Least said soonest mended.

But then the discoloration began. A dark browniness. A yellowing. A muddy blackening of parts.

It was undoubtedly a dirty protest.

An ignored child seeking bad attention.

It was a foolish manoeuvre because now things have been set in motion that I just can’t stop. The doctor requested a sample. A clipping. I had no choice but to separate us.

It all now depends on the lab results which could take 5 to 8 weeks to come back. There’s a possibility that it is merely dystrophic / atrophic growth – I can’t remember exactly what she said as I was hypnotized by the small wooden airplane that was hanging down from her ceiling on a wire. If that’s the case there is nothing she, the doctor, can do. I’ll just have to live with it and embrace my ability to climb tall trees in my bare feet. Think of the fruit I could gather for my kids!

But there is a real possibility that it is a fungal infection. Something unwholesome living off the fruits of my body’s labour. If that’s the case then it’ll mean 3 months of medication. What exactly I don’t know. But she mentioned “possible side effects”. Again, what I don’t know. And I didn’t think to ask. Curse that damned airplane!

I’m betting it’s not a sudden ability to climb walls with my hands and feet and swing from skyscrapers with webs that I can magically produce from glands in my wrists.

It’ll be constipation. Or sleeplessness. Or itchiness. Or all three.

*Sigh*

Take care of your toenails, people, before they take care of you...


26 comments:

Nota Bene said...

Careful. It moght claim squatters rights

Steve said...

Nota Bene: it could be quite an ugly picket line.

Tenon_Saw said...

Does/did it pong? No don't answer, I'm not sure I really want to know. Why did I ask???

Steve said...

Tenon_Saw: no, it didn't smell at all but then I hadn't long stepped out of the shower. I bet you didn't want to know that either, did you?

French Fancy said...

Ouch!

I'm a very squeamish blogger and certain things make me get this funny feeling behind my knees - this is one of them.

Fingers (and toes - ouch again) crossed that it all comes back marked 'Normal'

Steve said...

FF: my wife is the same. She couldn't even be in the same room with me when I hacked off a toenail sample. Well. I'm assuming it was because of squeamishness...

Valerie said...

Ooo and you didn't provide a picture of that offending bit before you parted from it. Shame on you! Hope the bit comes back with a negative response.

Steve said...

Valerie: do tell you the truth the bit has always been a bit negative, never happy, you know? I feel lighter without it.

Suburbia said...

What is it about men and Spiderman fantasies, eh?!!!

(By the way......ewwwww!)

missbehaving said...

Oh dear! Hope it isn't anything too nasty.
Cover-up discolouration with a nice sparkly nail polish, toe polish on men is so very sexy ;)

Steve said...

Suburbia: I think it has a lot to do with Mary Jane Watson. ;-)

MissBehaving: when I'm all glammed up like Julian Clary I shall give you all the credit! ;-)

-eve- said...

I'd been wondering what it was... ;-) Coincidentally, I just saw a fungal infection yesterday (and failed to recognize it. fortunately, a more senior dr did, and we prescribed antifungals). be comforted in the fact that you're not alone - i think i have a skin fungal infection too, and am just waiting for it to fester and grow big enough to show my dermatologist on my next appointment ;-)

Steve said...

Eve: I just wish I'd asked for more information regarding the treatment - I was expecting something that you apply to the toenail itself but talk of side effects leads me to believe it'll be something I'll have to take orally!

Gypsy said...

I have to say I did wonder which part of you we were talking about at first and was kind of relieved and a tad disappointed at the same time that it was a toenail. Don't ask...I don't understand what I just said either.


I think feet in general are quite ugly and best kept covered at all times. I hope it all works out for the best :)

Steve said...

Gypsy: I'm certainly not disappointed it was just a toenail... in fact I'm rather glad. Not sure I could cope with cutting anything else off!

Feet are very ugly. Mine especially. I've never worn sandals or flip-flops as a consequence. See, every cloud has a silver lining...!

The Sagittarian said...

Yup I'm with the blogger who suggested sparkly nail polish!
Hope this works out for you ok, "side effects" always make you think that the cure might be worse than the disease! :-) Glad you didn't post a photo...

Clippy Mat said...

eeewwww!
toenails. shudder
;-)

A Write Blog said...

I've found that, as I get older, my body seems to take on a life of its own and grow extraneous things.

I have more hair in my ears than my head. And as for my nose; I breath through a kind of filter now.

Then there are the liver spots that have started to expand.

By the time I'm 80, assuming I live that long, I will be a monster.

Wonderful build up to the toe nail Steve. I kept thinking. What part of his body is he on about? The tension was great.

And all for a toenail ha ha.

Steve said...

Amanda: there's still time for a photo... my camera has an excellent macro facility so I could zoom in really close...

Clippy Mat: ...and yet we all have them. I guess they're a bit like kids. You love your own but can't stand anyone elses (though secretly you want to clip them) - or is that just me?

AWB: I'm keeping on top of my nose hair by regularly yanking it out. It's one of my many bad habits. Tnere's something very addictive about it and I justify it by thinking of it as a mini beauty treatment.

Brother Tobias said...

The Social Secretary says it sounds like laminitis. Her advice is to avoid working on hard surfaces and cut down on grass.

Steve said...

Brother T: does that include a lickle bit of skunk on a Friday night?

A Write Blog said...

I yank mine out too Steve.

And guess what, many of them are white now. They don't half stand out. I'm sure they wave at me sarcastically when I look in the mirror.

Steve said...

AWB: I'm beginning to get the old "badger" look in my beard. Initially I'd yank those out or decapitate them with the shaver... now there's too many to keep up with.

justme said...

eeek! I am speechless!!

skatey katie said...

check what the side effects are.
nothing like losing your sense of smell. or worse X

Steve said...

Justme: I'm toenail-less. Well. Almost!

Katie: good point... though given the toilets at work losing the ability to smell could be an advantage...