Monday, November 09, 2009

I’m A Tramp

Yes it’s true.

See these fingerless gloves hovering in front of you? Well, could spare some change for a cup ‘o tea, please? I promise not to spend it all on meth. Honest, guv. Cough cough.

Well OK. So I’m not quite begging on the street just yet, nor selling my body for the price of a burger but I do have a confession to make that may see me part of the way there in the eyes of some of you.

Ahem. I’ve been wearing the same trousers to work for the last... ooh, 4 weeks at least.

I’m sure people must have noticed. I mean, they have a white paint mark on the thigh that is pretty hard to miss and is quite distinctive.

I’d like to point out at this point that they have been and do get washed regularly (but the paint mark on them is permanent).

How has this come to pass? I mean, having one pair of shoes is understandable in a man but only one pair of trousers?

It wasn’t always like this. My wife, God bless her, regularly restocks my wardrobe (er... for “wardrobe” read “drawer”) at Christmas and my birthday with fashionable items that, to be honest, I’d never think about buying for myself because I just don’t think about that sort of thing. Usually these items of apparel last me a good 18 months or so and I have never, until now, found myself short of trouserage.

But somehow, this year, I’ve gone through more trousers than Paris Hilton.

It’s the keys that do it, you see. The keys of responsibility. I have to carry more keys around with me at work than a screw at Strangeways. A great fob of metal that, if ever used in combat, would be as lethally effective as a spike encrusted mace. Open a door or open a hoody’s skull... it’s all the same to me.

But the average pocket of the average pair of trousers just cannot take the sheer volume of iron that is hammocked within them. I’ve tried to alleviate the tonnage by suspending my fob from a leather lanyard that I bought in Wales. But it’s no good. The keys chafe. The keys wear and tear the delicate fabric of my inner lining. They eat it away completely within a matter of mere months until the trousers themselves are beyond repair.

I’ve got through 2 pairs already this year. And now I’m down to my last.

Unfortunately a poor church mouse such as myself cannot just go out willy-nilly and buy a pair of trousers off the shelf without there being a big household budgetary knock-on effect. Trousers or food? Trousers or food? Which would you choose?

Which is why I must thank a fellow blogger for coming to my aid.

The Dotterel over at Bringing Up Charlie recently ran a prize draw. And yours truly was fortunate enough to be one of the winners. I received a £25 voucher for Marks & Spencer as my bounty. It was timely indeed.

Dotterel, thank you. I am going to M&S later today to get myself covered up appropriately.

The trousers, when I get them, will be completely on you.

Er... well, not quite, but you know what I mean...


22 comments:

Mark said...

You could always spend it on M&S food. It's very nice ... wine or trousers; wine or trousers... Tempted?

Steve said...

Mark: only if you can get Dervla Kirwan to personally read the label to me first...

Owen said...

Would a key chain be out of the question ? Or is wearing keys suspended from one's belt too, umm, unfashionable ? Hmmm there must be a solution to keep them out of your pockets... I use a leather keyholder, which protects the pockets from wear, but probably don't have nearly as many keys as you. Maybe you could wear a shoulder holster, but instead of having a 9mm Glock in it, you could stow your keys ?

Steve said...

Owen: yeah, I like it. A shoulder holster Dirty Harry style so when faced with a punk or a young hoodlum I could whip out a big fat Chubb or a nasty lookin' Yale and terrify them into submission with my lock opening skills...! I wonder if they sell them on eBay?

The Sagittarian said...

How about a nice red knapsack to cart about? Or a plastic pocket insert kind of like the pocket protectors for pens? How about using key pads instead of keys, then all you would need is a wee booklet with the codes in them....

Steve said...

Oh Amanda, Amanda, Amanda... where's the fun in being sensible?

missbehaving said...

No trews! That's dire. When you said 'food or trousers' I was ready to vote trousers, but Mark upped the ante with 'wine or trousers', I'd hate to have to choose, but then again you DO still have a wearable pair...

Rol said...

"Oh, no, my trousers keep splitting because of my enormous fob."

I bet you say that to all thwe girls.

Steve said...

MissBehaving: if I was a wine drinker I guess it would be more of a difficult choice... as it is I'd rather keep my Mickey Mouse underpants covered up than get myself enebriated.

Rol: I'm a bit more classy... I like to point out that somewhere on this mighty fob of mine is the key to their chastity belts...

Joe Bloggs said...

Very synchronistic post, Steve

Eye rolled up town yesterday to... or is that; downtown?... well, eats just a short walk in a Nawesterly direction actchewally... anyway - to get old of some leather pouches to line the pockets of my jacket as Hive recently transferred my bunch from trouser-pocket to jacket-pocket for mush the same reasons as yourgoodself; holes, lacerations, etc.

It will be interesting to see how many years it will take for me to remember - where've they got to? - as Ave always add 'em in me pants, if USA what I mean.

Mayhap won shoot pute them in a trolley-shopper or have an entourage of cars and carts to lug 'em around mushlike Toor Day Frans Champs do.

Can't wait for the Nuke Whirled Disorder - wear a nano-chip is enuff to axcess all areas.

Can't leave ohm widoubt one!

Selina Kingston said...

OK - so if you're a tramp, can I be your lady, you lovely clever man!!
You could be really bad and buy any old thing with the vouchers and then take it back and get the cash refund and then go to Peacocks or Primark and get a pair for £7 or something and then go back to Marks and get some WINE with the rest of the money!!!
(read next bit with Dervla voice) "This is not just any cheating, this is naughty, mischevous, Selina-style cheating."
(Stop Dervla voice now and hear Selina's strict mum voice) Trying to cheat M+S is a very bad thing - be a good boy and do the right thing! Oh, and get a key-wallet thingy xx

Steve said...

Joe Bloggs: not sure if nano-chip access all areas would be good for world security - identity theft and all that. At least if someone nicks all my keys it would take them forever to work out which locks they open. The way I see it, I am sacrificing my lederhosen for the sake of maintaining security at the art gallery where I work. It's just the kind of man I am. Nobody needs to thank me, it's just what I do.

Selina: was very tempted to the the bad Dervla thing but in the end I did the tight thing and then some. Not only did I use the entire £25 voucher on 2 pairs of trousers (yep, you read that right - 2 pairs of trousers) but they also came to £30 so I put an extra £5 of my own money towards the enterprise. No wine was purchased. My belly might be empty but my legs are sheathed in a lovely pair of corduroy jeans. They are hiding my bees knees.

Löst Jimmy said...

Ah the one pair of trousers, I'm up on that I am currently rotating 2 pairs for work and a pair of shabby jeans for playtime. I agree with Mark up the top get the voucher to work for you in the vino department. I'm afraid to tell you Steve that £25 will not stretch to wooing Dervla

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: ah but Dervla hasn't seen the size of my enormous fob... (thanks, Rol).

KAZ said...

Stop messing about Steve - you know you need a handbag.

Steve said...

Kaz: the trouble with me is, it's Jimmy Choo or nothing... and I can't afford Jimmy Choo...!

Gypsy said...

Oh I have missed your rapier sharp wit.

Sometimes I have to use my husband's keys when mine mysteriously go missing and the amount of keys he has on there are enough to throw my back out if I put them in my pocket.

Could you perhaps separate them into more manageable amounts and have them hanging off your belt loops all around your trousers. You might even start a new craze. :)

Steve said...

Gypsy: that's not a bad idea... I've always fancied taking up Morris Dancing...

Gina said...

If only I had known about your trousers. You could have joined in on ONE Dress OCTOBER. I don't mean you would have had to wear one of Karen's frocks, the agreement was simply to wear one garment for a whole month and you were doing that anyway!

A missed opportunity indeed.

Glad you now have some new ones. Imagine the fun you are going to have deciding which pair to wear.

Steve said...

Gina: it is a dilemma that I am ill prepared for; I've got so used to not thinking about my trousers that I am now suffering from trouser paralysis...! ;-)

A Write Blog said...

Buy a Man Bag. Saves on wear and tear and can be used for so much more than keys.......darling.

Steve said...

AWB: fabulous idea, sweetie... might go for a Gucci.