Monday, November 30, 2009

The Miser’s Touch

I’m at odds with the world today. I don’t know what it or I have done but we’re not on good terms. The atmosphere is decidedly chilled.

I’m not sure who started it and I’m not sure when it will end but we’re heading for certain bloodshed.

It seemed to start when I got up this morning. The world was deliberately obtuse and uncooperative. Things wouldn’t open properly. Things would fall out of my hands. Things would spill. Other things, evil cupboardy things, would mysteriously open at malicious angles and crack me passing blows on the head.

I cottoned on pretty quickly. Let’s face it when a campaign is being waged against you it doesn’t take long for the signs to become self-evident.

For my part I have responded with rapid fire door slamming, aerial bombardments of stomping and carpet bombing with high explosive expletives. I have an everlasting supply of the latter so if this is to be a war of attrition, world, you’d better be in for the long haul.

Please don’t worry about me, people, I can hold my own. But it is, I admit, a lonely stance. My biggest enemy is my own paranoia. I am eyeing old friends with suspicion. Have they been converted? Brainwashed? Programmed against me? Sleeper agents waiting for the trigger word...? My computer, my mobile phone, even my MP3 player – their shiny buttons look like teeth this morning. I’m not sure I can trust their electrical impulses to remain loyal. The world is urging them to foul up. To lose or corrupt data. To crash.

Even the toaster is looking at me belligerently.

What have I done? What have I done?

I’ve gone over it all in my head but I can’t think of a damned thing. Was I too rough with the oven? Has the world taken the size of my carbon footprint personally?

Why are you picking on me and not Jeremy Clarkson?

The world is so unfair!

Well, enough is enough!

If it’s a fight you want, world, you can have one! Put ‘em up or shut up!


26 comments:

The Crow said...

Bless your heart! There's only one cure for having gotten up on the wrong side of the bed: go back to bed and get up on the other side. (My mother made us do it - didn't always work...come to think of it, it never worked. Hey! I've been rooked!)

:D

Joe Bloggs said...

Bloomin'heck, one of those days, eh? Still, at least it isn't the Midas touch - so hopefully your cloud will have a silver lining after all when it stops reigning.

Steve said...

The Crow: I think the advice is partly right. I think the trick is to return to bed and then stay there for the rest of the day, starting from fresh the next...!

Steve said...

Joe Bloggs: one of those days indeed, made worse by it being a Monday which, as we all know, is usually one of those days anyway without it being an extra-special one of those days...!

Gina said...

Awww you sound like you should be heading off to Solla Sollew. I love that book and I read it to my children often, but sometimes I just sit and read it to myself.

But yeah, probably best to hide. I hate days like that - I think the worry about more stuff going wrong actually means that you don't concentrate properly and everything gets dropped or tripped over and you say all the wrong things.

Hopefully your Tuesday will be a better day.

Steve said...

Gina: thank you for the link - I hadn't heard of that book before but the synopsis is certainly ringing a few bells for me today. Actually, since getting my haircut at lunchtime things seemed to have settle down a bit and I feel calmer too. I obviously had stressful hair and its removal has lifted a metaphorical weight from off my shoulders...!

Mark said...

Paranoia assumes your fear irrational - which it clearly isn't! You are under attack; take cover my friend.

Steve said...

Mark: I have constructed an Anderson shelter beneath my desk. I only hope it holds when the bomb drops...

ArtSparker said...

Inanimate objects are quite perfidious, in my experience. Not to mention the miniature wormhole disruptions.

Steve said...

ArtSparker: you sound like a seasoned veteran. I'd welcome any battle advice you have to offer.

Owen said...

Steve, I know you're English (you can't help it, so it's ok) but I'm sure you can picture what an American baseball bat looks like ? Well, get yourself a baseball bat, and once you have hefted it once or twice, to get the feel of it, and taken a few practice swings out behind the house in the air, well then, you will know exactly what to do to that belligerent looking toaster ! They are the worst kind, and if not taken care of quickly, they can spread their rabidly pernicious desires to other residents of the house around them, and heaven forbid they transmit any of their vicious thoughts to your automobile. Yes, I think it is certainly the belligerent toaster causing the trouble, and it probably burnt your toast too, didn't it...? If a baseball bat is not available, a cricket bat may do almost as well, but as it is lighter, you may need to apply it with greater force to obtain the same result...

Maybe a chocolate bar will help ease the suffering from contusions to the scalp ? Good luck ! If you are reading this, then at least your survived the day...

The Sagittarian said...

Oh Dr Seuss knows the answer to this one and I'll quote " I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and soome from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me!"
There. Say that loudly and often!!

Steve said...

Amanda: Bizarrely that's the second time in two posts that someone has quoted or recommended Dr Suess to me... plainly the man needs to start a religion (if he hasn't already)!

Owen: ah, baseball bat therapy... I have heard of this and heard that it garners great results. I may well try it... though possibly after Christmas when our supply of electrical and white goods might not be so critical. Until then I guess they've got me over a barrel!

Selina Kingston said...

Oh lord! It's not the 13th is it? You need chocolate....again. Or whisky is my current medicine of choice !!

Steve said...

Selina: I wish you were my doctor!

Gypsy said...

Wait up Steve...let me just get me battle gear on and I'll be right on over to give you a hand. I'm in a fighting mood myself today so between us I'm sure we can vanquish that toaster and any other appliances with attitude.

Steve said...

Gyspy: I knew the cavalry was just waiting beyond the next hill...! Good to have you with me, soldier!

Annie said...

I was going to suggest you have more chocolate but I see that Selina has pipped me to it! Oh well, eat it anyway as it contains mood-lifting agents.

I like Joe Bloggs' comment - very clever :)

Suburbia said...

And you can't even blame your hormones!!

missbehaving said...

LOL, one of THOSE days!
I would take everyone's advice. Go back to bed,take with you whisky, chocolate and a stack of Dr Seuss, don't get up till tomorrow. By then, the forces that conspire against you will have moved onto someone else.

Clippy Mat said...

days like these.
you can't win.
don't even try.
well in your part of the world you are hopefully in the land of nod now as I write this and it's all just a bad memory.
;-)

Steve said...

Annie: I don't need telling twice to eat chocolate (but it doesn't hurt)!

Suburbia: I'm sure I could, you know... we men have hormonal moments too!

MissBehaving: the trouble is I suspect it'll just wait for me, under my bed, until I get up again the next day...!

Clippy Matt: I must admit I feel less under siege today but don't want to say it too loud in case it tempts fate...!

French Fancy said...

Isn't it weird how some days everything really does conspire against one. That sort of day happens to me about twice a year - I hope yours has passed now

Steve said...

FF: some days it's difficult not to take it all very personally! All OK now though, thanks!

Löst Jimmy said...

You had a Monday just like me by the look of it!

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: such Mondays rarely spread themselves too thin... alas.