Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Phonesex

The ex had given good service and I did feel slightly guilty about dumping her but it was time to move on. In her glory days there had been something ineffably satisfying about her touch. Her smoothness. The way she’d nuzzle against my ear and purr gently. I knew instinctively how to press her buttons.

But she’d lost her shine quickly. Begun to look dated, dull and slow. Times had changed. I had changed. But she just couldn’t keep up. We spoke about a facelift – we shouldn’t have; it only got her hopes up. The truth was, down at the fundamental level, she could no longer give me what I needed. It wasn’t her; it was me. I had moved on. My aspirations had changed. I wanted more than she could give.

Initially work sorted me out with a little something on the side. A model that they’d pay for. One of the perks of the job. She wouldn’t ever really be mine but I could use her during work hours. For “work” business. And I have. I’ve used her good and proper. I have availed myself of every one of her amazing services. She’s sleek and fast. And she’s slim – God; she’s so slim – and she warms herself so lightly in my hand when I hold her.

But this new mistress only highlighted even more how much my old girl wasn’t up to it. How far she’d fallen from the top of her game. But I kept hold of her. For old time’s sake. For home stuff; for personal stuff. We were still officially “an item”.

But it couldn’t last. We couldn’t go on. It got to the point where a parting of the ways was inevitable. The new model was shaming her into dysfunctionality. She’d breakdown on me when I needed her the most. Throw moodies. Dirty protests. Her little face that used to light up at my merest touch now refused to acknowledge me altogether.

With my new mistress practically living in my pocket I just couldn’t justify going all out for a top of the range full-on replacement. I’m not made of money and two high maintenance babes would be beyond my meagre means.

So I went for the cheap option. A Nokia 2330. Only £30. Calls and text. Internet as well but the display is £30’s worth of cheap and nasty. The phone’s clunky. I took the memory, the SIM card, the very soul of my old lady and stuck her into the body of this new one. It felt like bad voodoo. She awoke to find herself in a body that was new but somehow not as good as the original one she’d had in her prime.

Nokia 2330
It was the ultimate betrayal.

My new mistress laughed cruelly into the vastness of her onboard MP3 memory and I knew – felt for the first time – that I’d truly done my old girl wrong.

How could I have been so callous? So uncaring? Didn’t over 100 numbers stored on her old battered SIM card speak of a relationship that was worth saving?

So I’m looking at the £30 body. The bland shell that houses the life of my beloved. And I’m thinking if I can transplant her soul once I can do it again. Make a deal with the devil or with God or whoever and transplant her into a body that will allow her to run, to skip and to pole-dance for me once again. Just like the good old days. In short, why not flog the “old” new body on eBay and then supplement this remuneration with a little more dosh and insert my sweetheart into the mobile phone equivalent of a Bugatti? The new Nokia 5230 for instance? I mean just look at the body on it...

Nokia 5230
My fingers are tingling just at the thought of those keys... that smooth purple back. The option to slip an SD card in and out of her whenever I feel like it. And best of all a touch screen that I can caress and manipulate! That I can finger gently. This could be a new honeymoon period for us both. A reaffirmation of our vows. My girl will be young and firm again. Eager and responsive to my touch...

And as for my mistress... well... She fits snugly into my back pocket. There’s no need for her to see anything. No need for her to know.

I won’t tell her if you don’t.

Although... thinking about it... maybe they’d be up for a little call sharing? Conference calls...? A little blu-tooth connectivity?

Ooh!

Excuse me, folks, I have to go. My mobile phones are ringing.


25 comments:

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

Bloody hell I need a cold shower after reading that! Or a "post" coital cigarette....

Alienne said...

LOL. Boys and their toys; you are just sooooo sad.

Nota Bene said...

Oh how could you. Use them, abuse them, then dump them.

Steve said...

Trish: I think I may have taken things too far. Chocolate body paint and mobile phones don't mix it seems...

Alienne: are you telling me that if I offered you a go on my phone you'd refuse...?

Nota Bene: nah, it's all they're good for, mate. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. Works for me.

-eve- said...

Nice one! I kept wondering which new model you were going to go for.
Good punchline too! :-)

Gina said...

Well, well. I have to admit that I still lovingly stroke my iPhone even now and she is more than a year old. So yeah I do get it.

When I first looked at the title of your post on my Reader I thought you were writing about my cat. I am clearly going a bit dyslexic (my cat is called Phoenix - had never crossed my mind before how similar the word is to Phonesex)

femminismo said...

What a turn on! I can see why cold showers are needed. (funny man and great writer - you should sell this!)

Steve said...

Gina: no, I totally get the Phoenix / Phonesex thing... I think my eyes must be a bit tired today (probably been oggling my new phone too much). Phoenix is much the better name for a cat though...! I'd love an iPhone but... that's a little too high maintenance even for me! Well out of my league!

Eve: it's always nice to caress a bit of gadge...!

Femminismo: while cold showers might work for me I suspect they would be disasterous for my new electronic bed-mate...! Unless she's water proof as well as wipe-clean...! ;-)

French Fancy said...

Do you remember that tv advert with the abandoned depressed mobile? Your brilliant entry here reminded me of it. A way with words you have got.

Changing the subject a minute - I've mentioned GUT before but I really think you will enjoy this thread

http://talk.guardian.co.uk/WebX?7@346.qDBfjtwGaDY@.77613ed4/979

Steve said...

FF: thank you kindly... both for the compliment and the link. As soon as I've figured how to go online with my new mobile (she's playing hard to get) I shall check it out!

Joe Bloggs said...

ROFLOLarious! If I weren't otherwise engaged I'd be giving your belle a ring in no time
:)
It's a phoney old world, innit? I mean, if you'da told people 30-40 years ago that we'd all have a communicator roundabout the turn of the millenium they'da SIMply locked yup inner rubber room... phonilly enuff, this kinda goes to prove that we really are in a madhouse - cos everyone's got their own cell-phone nowdaze

Steve said...

Joe: don't call her, she'll call you and inject your text life with a bit of spice (3G connection permitting)...! Just wipe the aerial clean afterwards please... and make sure her in-box is empty...!

Löst Jimmy said...

You diry old man

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: don't Nokia it until you try it...

(sorry!)

The Dotterel said...

I had a witty and profound comment of my own to add until I read your reply to Löst Jimmy.

Now I'm speechless!

The Sagittarian said...

Speechless! Tone it down? Never.
Great post.

Steve said...

Dotterel: you mean you weren't tempted to try the old "siemens all over her Nokias" joke...?! :-)

Amanda: glad I managed to ring your bell!

Being Me said...

Siemens. Nokia. Ok now I really can't see the screen for tears.

You had a pole dancing phone? She's a keeper! ;)

Steve said...

Being Me: she was kind of up and then straight down... but I never got bored of it. ;-)

Suburbia said...

Great title! I bet your blog hits have risen 100%?!!!!!!!

Steve said...

Suburbia: absolutely!

P.S. You have been charged for your comment above (it was in the small print).

Nota Bene said...

Can't wait to dump mine...I've been doing some "window shopping"

Steve said...

Nota Bene: nothing wrong with cruising for a new boy toy...!

Owen said...

Guffawing right along...

I admit, I had to pull mine out and stroke her a little... so she wouldn't feel too jealous about all this attention given here to other models. (And I didn't tell her she's in danger of getting dumped too if she doesn't stop missing my calls)

Steve said...

Owen: sounds to me like you've got to plug her into the mains a little more often and let her know who's in charge...!