Friday, June 11, 2010

With Apologies To Robert Downey Jr’s Sherlock Holmes

(Or "How To Deal With A Snotty Email".)

Robert Downey Jr as Sherlock HolmesEmotion mustn’t enter into this.

Refute base accusation in first paragraph with a stiff rejoinder. Rain down a quick succession of facts to head and face region. Body blow to chest containing the full weight of incontrovertible proof. Steel it with fine grammatical turns of phrase – iron fist in velvet glove.

Second phase. Duck and weave. Quick jabs to the ribs: times and dates of previous infractions. Keep sarcasm low – aim for diaphragm. But don’t overdo it. This must be controlled. Precision bombing not carpet. Follow through with patronizing elbow – crack third and fourth ribs. Warning: another infraction will not be tolerated.

Third. The calm before the storm. The false dawn. Offer the dog a bone. Something positive and offhand about matters relating. The fake handshake to confuse. Discombobulation.

Finally, the end game. Fait accompli. Haymaker to right jaw – copy in the big chiefs. Attach a hefty word document featuring full log of events. Finger jab to gizzard. Copy in recipient’s own boss. Right-hook to jaw – a single but well placed exclamation mark – hear satisfying crack as jaw dislocates. Lastly, heel kick to sternum – quote cost of recharging future mop-up operations to recipient’s own employer. Opponent reeling on the ropes; teetering on the edge of the abyss.

Calmly hit Send.

Result: opponent’s ability to piss down neck and tell me it’s raining... neutralized.


25 comments:

Owen said...

Steve... you are clearly a master of sparring at championship level.

Note to self: never, but never, do anything to piss Steve off, lest the wrath of the heavenly fires should smite the earth around one...

I really couldn't help but appreciate this (truly excellent) piece with great gusto, as I spend considerable time myself in this very same boxing ring at work. I refer to it as the alligator pit, and all means are fair game when it comes to neutralizing alligators...

Rol said...

Shouldn't this be posted in your OTHER blog?

Steve said...

Owen: when all else fails nitroglycerin under the tail end works a treat. Hell of a mess though. Best to warn the cleaners in advance.

Rol: technically yes but I felt this was oblique enough to pass through the sensors. Though in truth the searchlights haven't been sweeping this area of late. However, I take your point. I shan't let myself get too complacent. A nudge is as good as a wink to a partially sighted man with a talking web browser. ;-)

the fly in the web said...

Um...could you just let me know where to get the nitroglycerine, please?
I like short cuts.

Steve said...

The Fly In The Web: I got mine on Ebay and delivered to me by a very nervous postman.

Fran said...

Let's just hope you didn't accidentally send this blog post to anyone who shouldn't see it.

Kelloggsville said...

Good Grief Charlie Brown, testosterone !!! You could always rise above it. No? Ahhh, no...it is a competition. (I hate that Finger jab to gizzard, is a gizzard below the belt? I believe it must be!)

Steve said...

Fran: they'd be too stupid to work it out anyway.

Kellogsville: giz·zard (gzrd)
n.
1. A modified muscular pouch behind the stomach in the alimentary canal of birds, having a thick lining and often containing ingested grit that aids in the breakdown of seeds before digestion.
2. A similar digestive organ found in certain invertebrates, such as the earthworm.

Well below the belt. And all the better for it. ;-)

Löst Jimmy said...

A most splendid blog post my dear chap, simply splendid!

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: much obliged to you, my good man!

Gappy said...

Have you had a bad day Steve?

Alienne said...

Excellent pastiche, and very funny. Personally, being a girl I would tend to include a knee in the knackers too. I think Owen's note to himself hits the nail on the head though, I must remember never to piss you off!

Being Me said...

I have to just stand, applaud and do a very low whistle of appreciation with regard to your ability to create such spectacular mental imagery... all my wordy creativity is going into my book at the mo' so my blog is comparatively becoming a photo/Youtube "Watch this, look at this!" fest at best.

So just to be very superficial, I would like to thank you profusely for the shirtless image of RD Jr. Thank you kindly, good sir!

Being Me said...

I just have to be very superficial here and also thank you for the shirtless RD Jnr image. Much obliged :D

Steve said...

Gappy: on the contrary; it's been a pretty good day. ;-)

Alienne: knee in the knackers...? I may have to send that as an attachment.

Being Me: it comes in a larger size if you are interested. ;-)

Heather said...

fabulous! what utterly marvellous imagery. And now of course, being the nosey sort, i want to know what it was all about...

Steve said...

Heather: that would be telling. As Rol suggests, I may have to save that for my other blog...!

Selina Kingston said...

Ooh love a good fight. I feel quite turned on by all that !!

Steve said...

Selina: you'd make a great ganster's moll. I can recommend you watch Guy Ritchie's "Sherlock Holmes" if only for the gloriously technical bare knuckle fight scene whose narration I borrowed for this blog post...! ;-)

Owen said...

Ref. nitroglycerin, I prefer the flamethrower myself, when used with careful precision, it just leaves a small pile of ashes to sweep up, instead of a Mr Creosote-like restaurant scene...
;-)

A good thing all our daydreamed little fantasies are not actually played out in the real world !

Clippy Mat said...

ahh Sherlock. penny drops!
well said Steve.
I am thinking of compiling an email just like it, I may borrow your tactics.
;-)

Steve said...

Owen: fantasies? You think they're fantasies...? Oh Owen... good job you don't live anywhere near Leamington Spa; you might be in for a shock.

Clippy Mat: feel free. They are most efficacious.

Joe Bloggs said...

Aye, mate - High mighta red it wronk, butcher really wrote an xxxlendescription of an aardvarks day, biffyask me. Ooof... wryli wrinkled me belle

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I've had days like that. And sometimme such e-mails are necessary on the personal life admin front (as when needing to Ninja TalkTalk for their crap service for example)

Congratulations on attaining a black belt in combat e-mail anyway. Lx
PS: Are you going to Leamington Peace Festival next weekend? I am going on the morning of Sunday 20th if you and the family fancy saying hello? And there's plenty of stalls and free bands there if you're not interested in saving the whale. Even some white water rafting on the river! Somthing for everyone anyway, righton or not... (and I take it all with a healthy pinch of salt myself)

Steve said...

Joe: my new novel - My Secret Life As An Aardworking Aardvark will be out in September [confusingly] on the Penguin label.

Laura: not sure whether we're going to make it this year as (a) it's the eldest boy's 9th birthday / Father's Day / and (b) I've got to go into work to take the minutes at a meeting that I'm not allowed to talk about. However, should it look like a window of opportunity might arise within that schedule I will let you know before Friday! ;-)