Friday, November 19, 2010

Sex With Nigella

Nigella LawsonI was thinking about it the other night and I’m not sure it would work.

It’s not that I don’t find the amazingly bosomy brunette chatelaine attractive. I do. She cooks (both literally and euphemistically). She’s hot. She’s brunette. She’s bosomy. And she can fellate a dessert spoon before the 9 o’clock watershed and it’s fine by absolutely everyone (except possibly the sexually uptight nerds in the Environmental Health sector).

And according to all of her cookery shows she seems to indulge in a lot of post / pre coital midnight snacking. At least that’s my interpretation of all her night time runs to the fridge to chow down on half a cow’s leg soaked in homemade plum sauce. Now that could be well useful. “While you’re there, love, you couldn’t bring me up a couple of cans, could you? No, not the cheap Tesco blue-line ones, the posh ones you had flown in from Bavaria...”

Night time appetites well sorted as we say in me ghetto, innit, homie?

But it’s the talking that puts me off. The language. The flowery hyperbole that seems to ooze from her mouth like salival secretions down the trembling shaft of a Cadbury’s Flake. I mean, just listening to her show is like trying to divine the meaning of a bit of Longfellow or even a bit of Wordsworth. It’s off putting. My problem with it is that it is plainly meant to be sensuous but just comes over as too literary.

And that ain’t sexy, not for any ho, you get me?

I mean, just imagine. You’re getting down and dirty with Nigella. She’s beating out the rhythm she’d like you to follow with a bloody great wooden spoon on your chest and just as you’re getting into the groove (cheers Madonna) she opens those luscious red lips and says:

“Oh yah, envelope my Rubens-esque proportions with your exquisite squidginess...!”

“Eh? What did you say?”

“The slightly caramel coloured patina of your skin – especially around the brisket area – is crying out for my homemade Italianate mulberry sauce...”

“Do what? Do you mean you’re nearly there...? Shall I speed up?”

“Oh deflower me like a ripe rosehip, crush my basil leaves over the hot pizza of your desire and layer the inner sanctum of my queen of puddings with an indulgent oozing of tangibly salty mozzarella...!”

“Erm... you’ve lost me there, love. Look, I’m not really in the mood now. You couldn’t pop downstairs and make me a cheese and pickle sandwich, could you?”

“Oh you foul mouthed ruffian! I love it when you talk dirty!”

*sigh*

See, all that high-falutin Oxford poetry-speak might be good for her but it would be absolutely crap for me.

Not unless I could gag her.

Oo-er. *thinks it over*

Now that could bloody well work...!

*face assumes pervy Rik Mayall-like expression*



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47 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

She's frigid, she's bloody frigid! All the silky vowels and finger-licking is just a cover for her inability to have an orgasm. She probably wouldn't even notice you unless you attached an electrode to her spine.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: (assuming your comment will appear in my browser very soon) if that's all it would take I'd be willing to give it a go.

Note From Lapland said...

This, my dear wonderful man, is brilliant! And yes, the flowery wordage would be off putting, but then I find her a bit annoying in general to be honest - I'm probably not quite her target audience though now that I think about it....

vegemitevix said...

Funniest thing I've read in a while. Personally I think she plays with the camera a little too much. I think she's a teasing little rooster botherer (otherwise known as a cockeral tease?)

Steve said...

Heather: apparently her skill with muffin making is legendary. Are you sure you wouldn't be tempted? ;-)

Gorilla Bananas said...

Did you censor it because of the libel laws? I would happily defend my claim in a court of law.

Steve said...

Vegemitevix: as long she let me have a good chomp on a slice of sticky chocolate pudding she could tease me all she liked.

Gorilla Bananas: no, my dear Gorilla, I think it was the profanity... I suspect the computer I am currently using simply would not allow such language to pass through its electronic portals and therefore I may have to wait until I get home to my own PC (who's standards are lower than a snake's arse) before your original comment will be made to appear. The anticipation should please the natives.

misssy m said...

It's the fact that she probably saves all her best stuff for the cameras. He'll be lucky if he gets a even reference to her stewed giblets.

(I have no idea what i meant by that- but it made me laugh anyway)

(I am not drunk)

Mark said...

Very funny. I remember a friend at college who dumped his drop dead gorgeous girlfriend. Why I asked? Can't stand the accent he said especially when she screams!

Steve said...

Misssy M: have to say, stewed giblets - even in a basque - would do nothing for me. Re: not being drunk. Why not?

Mark: can screams have accents? Isn't a scream just a scream (though I admit there's a world of difference between a scream of pleasure and a scream of pain)? To be honest, if it's the former your mate ought to just be bloody grateful not moaning that it's not in correct BBC English!

the fly in the web said...

So funny, Steve...I'm looking round for something appropriate for gagging Nigella but there doesn't seem to be an apple big enough...

Nota Bene said...

Yes. I see your point. But in all honesty rather her than Fanny Craddock

Suzanne said...

Oh no, you do realise that I'm going to think of a pervy faced Rik Mayall every time I visit Bloggertroplois now...;)

Steve said...

The fly in the web: I think a frozen chicken ought to do it...! She can take quite a mouthful apparently. ;-)

Nota Bene: I'd rather Anthony Worrell Thompson than Fanny Craddock.

Suzanne: "Never fear... Kevin's ear!"

EmmaK said...

I actually wrote
a sex scenario about this called When Troika Met Nigella. Might make you laugh. Difficult one, how to get her to shut up? er I can think of one way and it involves putting summat in her mouth that isn't food ;) Sorry to lower the tone but you did ask

Steve said...

Emma: you are my sex coach and I'm happy to take direction from you. My biggest fear though is that Nigella would coat it in homemade apple sauce and literally bite the bloody thing clean off (after looking seductively into the camera).

Rol said...

Ah, Steve, going for the monster hits again, eh? Don't say I didn't warn you when your blog crashes through too much demand.

(Personally, the problem I'd have would be getting a mental image of her Dad during the act... once you've imagined that, there's no going back.)

Steve said...

Rol: urgh! You pervert!

LöstJimmy said...

I dare not comment for fear of spilling my yoke as it were...

Steve said...

LöstJimmy: allegedly if you give Nigella's baps a good dousing with an egg-wash they come up golden brown in a medium oven...

Kelloggsville said...

As long as you've got it in her mouth she won't talk...if you know what I'm saying...she's too well bred to talk with her mouth that full ;0)

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: "she's too well bred to talk with her mouth that full" - thanks for the compliment. ;-)

Livi said...

ROFL! Oh that's genius! Absolute comedy genius!

Steve said...

Livi: why does everybody think I'm taking the piss? I'm being deadly serious. I really did think about having sex with Nigella. Honest.

Expat mum said...

She probably goes as far as she can with the camera because her hubby's not putting out. I mean, I know he's lost a bit of weight recently but he still looks a bit fragile...

Owen said...

Dear Steve,
It is rare that I actually literally snort with laughter. Usually I only make that noise when doing my pig imitation...

Well, I do sincerely hope that you'll one day be able to realize your dream in reality, basting, as it were (Thanksgiving season is coming...) the turkey breast with all the drippings as it bakes, after having stuffed it to a fare thee well. In the kitchen of course. No allusions here to anything else !

The Sagittarian said...

Oh my, yet another saucy post from the delicious Steve!

Mummy's Brain said...

very funny, cransky anyone?

Steve said...

Expat Mum: I wonder if she's put him on the Atkins diet?

Owen: being a Brit I'm afraid Thanksgiving passes me by but I'd be happy to plump her up for Christmas, remove her tail feathers and give her a good dousing in fresh cranberry sauce. The bird, that is.

Amanda: just trying to tickle a few taste buds!

Mummy's Brain: had to Google that. Plainly an innuendo that I'd missed. Drat!

TimeWarden said...

Her plum puddings, or plump udders, are her speciality.

Steve said...

TimeWarden: apparently they have to be steamed well before they firm up.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

She's hardly classy though Steve, admit it.

In fact she's so obvious she's embarrassing. The female equivalent of a dirty old man I would personally cross the street to avoid.

The Americans were none too impressed when TV tried to export her there either and her show fell flat on its face.

rb said...

urgh! I just don't get the appeal of Nigella. Yuck! She's all yours, Steve, I'll have Keeley.

Being Me said...

I'm in a very surreal position right now. Reading this (and all your comments) whilst simultaneously sitting amongst the most upright, prudish, unseductive company I think I'll ever come across.

THANK YOU and your funny readers for the very much needed dose of 'umour! Please forgive me for being a leech and just taking today ;)

Steve said...

Laura: take it from me; it is absolutely impossible for Nigella to fall flat on her face.

RB: now hold on a minute - when did I say it was one or the other?!

Being Me: be welcome and quaff of the good cup(s) of yumour all you want!

London City Mum said...

Steve this is one of the funniest takes I have ever read on that (personally loathsome) creature.

I cannot watch her, she just winds me up. Plus all I can think about is how many strands of hair end up in the food she prepares. Yuck.

Sod the cooking.

LCM x

Steve said...

LCM: and think about all the food that ends up in her hair! Oooh-urgh!

-eve- said...

*chuckles* I loved this! Cheered me up no end ;-)

Steve said...

Eve: sorry to hear you needed cheering up but glad to be of service if you did. :-)

bigwords is... said...

*shoot to picture of cream oozing out of piping bag* Hilarious post!

Steve said...

Bigwords is: that's uncanny. Are the director of the show... or have you been reading one of my fantasies?

ella said...

I loved this. I'm never going to be able to watch one of her programmes again without thinking of this post!

Steve said...

Ella: you won't be able to watch Nigella again without thinking of me having sex with her? I am so sorry! I do hope such thoughts don't leave any permanent scarring. The only cure is to watch Gordon Ramsay for a week. I find that puts me off sex for months.

lunarossa said...

Please a bit of respect towards Nigella, folks! I think she's a classy lady and the only TV chef I can tolerate. And Steve, yes, I can understand your lust, she's extremely sexy too....(and I do not admit very often that a woman is sexy!)Ciao. A.

Steve said...

Lunarossa: I quite agree. I'd be very happy to respect Nigella all night long.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

Never seen Nigella before. And though she is a spicy little number, I'm kinda thinking sex with Julia Child might be ever better. Just sayin.

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: had to Google Julia Child. I think I'll stick with Nigella.