Friday, February 11, 2011

I’m No Longer Bringing Home The Bacon

If I’m honest it’s been on the cards for a while.

The suspicious looks, the sharp intakes of breath whenever I got down to work. The feeling that things weren’t quite right between us. I knew that, deep down, sooner or later I’d be let go. Given the heave-ho. The big hoof.

I still feel ambivalent about it. I didn’t dislike it but it wasn’t something I went overboard over either. What can I say? For a time, due to familial constraints it was a necessity, but my ambitions have always lain elsewhere anyway.

It affects my wife and my children, of course. It’s quite a major change. It literally affects what food we can now put onto the dining table; how we eat. If we eat even.

But I’m fine with it. Honestly. Maybe I’m still in shock. The reality of the situation hasn’t yet kicked in.

*sigh*

I hardly dare say the words.

Bacon intolerant.

It kind of rolls off the tongue but still seems an odd concept. Is it common I wonder? Is it even a recognized condition?

Bacon intolerant.

Bacon used to seem so innocuous. Something I’d have with a full English or occasionally in a sandwich if I was feeling lazy. Nice with chips and a fried egg.

But it wasn’t something I ever craved. I could live without it. Just as well really. Because now I’m going to have to.

It gives me... for want of a better acronym, IBS. Painful guts. Agonising wind. Tortuous cramps. Enough to keep me awake for a night so that I feel like death warmed up (or even cold bacon uncooked) the next day. It affects my work, my writing, my entire joie de vivre.

I’ve had to say no to it. My wife, a true bacon lover, has gone into mourning. A number of her superlative dishes feature bacon as an ingredient. They will have to be modified or dropped or else I no longer eat with my family at those times but make do with a tin of soup or a spring roll from the local Chinese.

Little pig, little pig, how divisive you are!

I’m hoping it is just bacon. Just rashers. But I admit I am feeling a growing suspicious towards pork and crackling and chops... and trotters I’ve never been into anyway. And do not ever serve me a hog’s head – I will just take the apple from its mouth and shove it somewhere where the sun don’t shine. I guarantee you won’t like it.

So. Goodbye bacon. Goodbye butties. Goodbye to the soft pink rashers of my childhood. Goodbye to those gloriously blackened crispy bits.

I’m going cold turkey. The war of attrition has begun.

Me and the Danish are through.



Share

52 comments:

bigwords is... said...

While giggling to myself, particularly at how bacon does this - "It affects my work, my writing, my entire joie de vivre" - I also couldn't help to be horrified. I simply can not go a week without bacon and crackling.

may your wife get her bacon elsewhere. I really feel for her x

Being Me said...

My deepest sympathies over the loss of bacon butties. It was, quite seriously, the single most solitary thing that almost decided me against becoming a vegetarian (interestingly enough, although the two are unrelated, whilst honeymooning 11 years ago in your fair land - The Lakes District, to be exact).

You gave it a good, hard go. But it's been paining you for a while now, if I remember correctly. So, unfortunately, better out than in...

Steve said...

Bigwords is: if my wife starts getting her rations elsewhere it will be grounds for divorce.

Being Me: with a heavy heart I concur with your wise appraisal. It is time I stopped making a pig of myself and let the bacon go.

Keith said...

Sorry for your loss, but hey, 'egg and chips' full stop is still a glorious proposition.

And you will always have Shakespeare to fall back on.

Steve said...

Keith: egg and chips! Yes, you are so right! Add in sausage and peas and I think I could do it!

As for Billy Shakespeare: "a man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age..."? Such wise words.

Rol said...

You see, I was actually thinking you were talking about your job there and getting concerned for your precarious financial state. Don't scare me like that again. I know how much you love that job, Steve!

Steve said...

Rol: given the choice between doing my job or being forcefed bacon for the rest of my life I'll choose the bacon.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The flesh of swine is forbidden to gorillas so I don't know what you're missing, but I'm glad you've taken a baby step towards our healthy diet. I suggest you breakfast on locusts and wild honey to flush the toxins from your bowels.

missbehaving said...

LOL good one, I was *this* close to contributing to your PayPal fund;)
No such thing as decent bacon here, so I was froced to give it up, it can be done, but I do miss it! Good luck on your journey..

Steve said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: alas locusts are in short supply at Tesco and I daresay their honey is of the domesticated variety and not very wild at all. I could probably manage jam and a couple of ants.

Misssy M: the PayPal fund is still open should you wish to contribute to a medicinal holiday to the Bahamas for me and mine or just me depending on how much cash is raised...

Diney said...

Clever, as we all thought it was job loss and felt the sympathy welling - just for that little trick I'm now going off to grill some nice, smoky bacon to make a buttie for my lunch and na na na na na !

Steve said...

Diney: as long as I can't smell it, it can't hurt me.

the fly in the web said...

That's sad!
Mr Fly has to keep giving things up for health reasons...but it makes him so miserable he sneaks back on them and no harm seems to be done...just doctors' fads, I suppose.
But if you have IBS then you're forced to take measures..what a pity it can't be something less glorious than bacon!
Just a thought, when Mr. Fly had IBS it seemed to be linked to stress...all that nudity in Leamington Spa can't help...but taking a portion of beans every day did help matters.
And no, he didn't have to issue friends and family with gas masks...

Nota Bene said...

OMFG. That's terrible. Bacon has been known to bring down the most ardent vegetarian.

You have my every sympathy. There can be no greater loss than this.

Marginalia said...

Think positive. change your religion. Go kosher.Install another kitchen.

Last night I had roasted pork belly marinated in spices and oil. Boy was it scrummy!

Val said...

If you're okay with pork in other forms then it'll be an allergy to the preservatives in the bacon. I sympathise, I get similar.

Anyway, I've got something to tell you. You've won an award (well, 'won' might not be quite accurate, but you've got one anyway), and if you want to come and get it, it's here:
http://absurdoldbird.wordpress.com/2011/02/11/i-got-another-miaowing-award/

:)

Steve said...

The fly in the web: given the things I've seen recently the last thing I want to be faced with is a couple of beans on a plate...

Nota Bene: I'm being quite philosophical about it all. My new ethos runs as follows: at least it's not chocolate.

Marginalia: change my religion? Do Jedi's avoid bacon too?

Val: hmm... so fresh, unpreserved bacon might be the trick to beating this? Heading over to collect my award right now...

Phil said...

A Pig of a Joke!

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had
determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at
the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate
their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was
the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I
know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're
in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if
they're in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the
family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."

"Neither!,"yelled his wife..."they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!!."



P.S. In Denmark is a baby pig called Hamlet?

Kelloggsville said...

my stomach lurked initially as I started to read so whilst the news is bad, I'm actually happy about what it isn't, if you get m' drift.

It's your age my love! I am now almost completely meat intolerant and it's catch 22 because the less you eat when you do eat it the worse it gets. Welcome to the world of aubergine bake :(

lunarossa said...

I'm still in shock! Like Rol I thought you were writing about you chucking your job and becoming a fulltime writer! I sadly welcome to the world if IBS. After a lunch made of wholemeal rice sprinkled with olive oil and a little bit of parmesan cheese I can only sympathize. But yes, I agree, rather the bacon than the job. Although I'm sure you'd have much more fun being a fulltime writer....Ciao. A.

Steve said...

Phil: I think you're telling porkies... I was tempted to try a joke about pigs in blankets but couldn't think of one. So I'll stick to ham on the bone which seems to suit your story better...

Kelloggsville: but I don't like aubergine! Shit! There must be a cure somewhere! :-(

Lunarossa: if the writing allowed me to bring home the bacon on its own I'd jack the job in tomorrow without a second thought and that's a fact!

Phil said...

The Bacon Tree:

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.....

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.”

“Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee”.

So with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon and every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

“Pepe, Pepe we ees saved! Eet is a Bacon Tree!”

“Luis, are you sure ees not a meerarge? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”

“Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerarge that smeell like bacon. ees no meerarge, ees a bacon tree”.

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, with Pepe close behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

“Pepe….go back man, you was right. ees not a bacon tree.”

“Luis, Luis, mi amigo. what ees it?”

“Pepe…ees not a bacon tree…. ees a HAM BUSH!!"



Now check out this piggy tube ‘bacon joke’ link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaK9bjLy3v4

EmmaK said...

poor little you! You could try turkey bacon although I've never had it sounds a bit like a poor man's substitute

Steve said...

Phil: that joke was sow funny it had me snorting...

Emma: turkey bacon?! Isn't that just turkey?

Val said...

Good luck finding bacon without additives. I suppose it's possible. It's likely to be nitrate intolerance. Have a look at the label of the bacon you usually buy and then look up the additives online. (I think you can probably still get the 'E-numbers' book which lists and explains additives and their effects).

If you're intolerant to one or more of the additives in bacon, you'll get the same effect from other foods that have that additive. I can eat very very small amounts of these foods, but a normal portion and I'm rolling in agony clutching my stomach! (I particularly avoid bacon and frankfurters).

Glad you like the award! I wonder if you'll do anything with it!
;)

Steve said...

Val: well, so far nothing else triggers off the reaction - only bacon - so I'm hoping my diet isn't affected too much! As for the meme... leave it with me; I've got a few ideas brewing.

Suzanne said...

Crikey you had me worried there for a while.
You have my sympathies, but Steve it's for the best, better Irritable Bacon Syndrome than IBS :)

Crystal Jigsaw said...

I have a packet of bacon in my freezer. I'll send it over if you fancy a bit on the side.

CJ xx

Steve said...

Suzanne: Absolutely. Oink if you're with me!

Steve said...

CJ: extra marital bacon? That'll get me fried!

Old Cheeser said...

Hi Timothy Claypole (I mean Steve - meant to say how much I love your new avatar...) Well you had us all going for a while with this post didn't you! Well it sounds like you're not too bothered about having to give up the piggy meaty stuff...It's funny cos for years I was a veggie but still loved the smell of bacon...since I met my meat-eating hubbie I'm back on the meat and have to say, glad to be eating the old rashers again. Not all the time, mind, but I am partial...not v healthy though, I know. Good luck in your post bacon existence.

Steve said...

OC: I'm biting my lip here, trying not to make jokes about you "being back on the meat now you're married"... ahem. To be honest, I've never been a huge bacon fan so cutting it out will bother my wife a lot more than me. As I mention above, if I couldn't eat chocolate... that would be reason for me to mourn!

Fran said...

You're right. It could have been chocolate. In which case, Beachy Head's the only place to go.

Steve said...

Fran: my local multi-storey carpark is nearer.

joebloggs said...

The smell of bacon out weighs the taste to a degree of 10-1 so have a good sniff, this ratio works for coffee, chorizo and Lindsey Lohan too......or is that just me?

Steve said...

Joe: does Lindsey Lohan smell of bacon? If she does she's just gone up in my estimation.

The Sagittarian said...

Ok, maybe you just haven't met the right sort of bacon? We do homesure, it's much better than the vacuum packed bollocks that passes for bacon...yes. You heard that right. you've actually got IBS! Irritating Bollocks Syndrome. It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't missed that chair....

Steve said...

Amanda: irritating bollocks syndrome? Isn't that what most politician's speak?

The Sagittarian said...

I can neither confirm nor deny...(but I did mean homeCURE not home sure...)

Steve said...

Amanda: isn't homesure bacon, bacon that's been insured?

Suburbia said...

Oh no! One of the pleasures of life, no longer available! With what will you replace it?!

Steve said...

Suburbia: more chocolate.

Livi said...

OMG! You poor thing!

Steve said...

Livi: at last; someone who understands the gravitas of the situation!

Mark said...

No more porkies - very sad; I'd be gutted. Ham egg and chips perhaps? Special occasions maybe.

Steve said...

Mark: gammon and pineapple for anniversaries... I suppose I could get by...

Owen said...

Oh dear, that's going to put a dent in demand for pig flesh... one by one, consumers dropping out of the rat race for bacon, or the pig race, as it were, could have dramatic economic consequences with unforeseeable results.

Not to be self-referential, but I'm quite amazed how this post about Bacon, and your previous post about Buttocks, go hand in hand with the first two subjects of my latest post about Bacon and Buttocks. Must be on the same wavelength. Lets just hope that the buttocks baring bullies you bumped into don't decide to go in for any buttocks enhancement procedures.... and you find yourself face to cheeks with even larger examples of that not necessarily gracious bit of male anatomy ! Well, just tell them to... Bugger Off !

Vicky said...

A life without bacon - NEVER!!

Steve said...

Owen: bacon might be anethema but rump might still be OK depending on the animal. And, er, the gender. Er. OK. I'm going to stop here.

Vicky: sadly that is now the grim reality of my daily existence.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Cor Steve, are you saying you have actually lost your job?

Really sorry to hear it if so, much though I know it is not where your true heart lay.

Or have you coverted to Islam and this posting really IS about bacon?

Steve said...

Laura: Inshallah.