Wednesday, February 09, 2011

More Arse Than You Can Shake A Pink Stick At

A lady's bumI’ve taken the unusual step of publishing a picture of a lady’s bottom at the top of this post. It is not meant to be sexist or gratuitous. It is merely a response to some of the buttock shaped flak that I have received over the last 7 days. Life has been giving me the bum’s rush and I’m not sure how I should be interpreting the message.

Take last week. I’m going about my duties. An undesirable has entered my workplace despite being banned from the building. It falls to me to approach this ne’er-do-well and remind him that his bodily functions and the building wherein I work are not meant to meet. There are reports he has gone into the Gents’ toilets. I go in. There’s no sign of him. I check the Baby Change facilities and find Mr ASBO with his back to me, his trousers and boxers slumped around his ankles like Jayne Torville around Christopher Dean’s ice skates, his arse hanging out like something unspeakable in a Turkish butcher’s shop window and his gooseberries in the sink being washed with the hand soap.

It ain’t a pretty sight.

It’s one arse too many.

I asked him to leave. He got mouthy and shirty (after he hastily got trousery) but his previous nekkidness had one positive effect: it is impossible to feel cowed by someone when you have seen their hairy bum cheeks.

And then take last night. I’m walking home from college after another Sign Language class. I pass the park. I hear rowdy male singing coming from the bandstand. “Here we go, here we go, here we go-o...” Oh good, I think to myself, drunken footballers... Though I was not aware there was a match on tonight. I can make out about 15 figures prancing about in the gloom.

And then one of them makes a dash my way. And... Oh God... he is wearing nothing but his socks. He is stark staring bollocknekkid. His gennies are flopping about like one half of a broken deely-bopper. Thankfully as he nears me he is distracted by the bright lights of the pretty cars that are rushing by. He leaps out into the road and begins to ‘air-thrust” at the passing motorists. I half expect the voice of Mr Punch to emerge from his arse saying, “That’s the way to do it!” I’m holding my breath at this point because let’s be honest, erectile tissue + sheet metal travelling at 40mph = airborne ketchup. The result of a collision isn’t going to be successful insemination.

But then Mr Car-Lover changes tactics and begins to race up the road, chasing one of the cars. My last view of him is his buttocks grinding at speed and diminishing in size as his pink fleshy form blurs into the red tail lights of the car in front of him.

Now, I don’t know about you but that is too much male naked arse for a dyed-in-the-wool hetero like me to take in one week. I’m fine with homosexuality but I take no pleasure, sexual or aesthetic, in being presented with the jelly-like realities of the masculine buttock. It don’t float my boat. So what the hell is Life trying to tell me?

As near as I can figure it, I think it’s telling me that it is time for more totty on this here blog. Female totty. Rounded, smooth, female totty. Hence the picture above. I’m not just being as arsehole, honest. The Universe made me do it. I am merely answering the call. Restoring the balance. Ensuring there is no gender bias.

After all, one buttock deserves another. It’s Nature’s way.



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55 comments:

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

There's nothing like a lovely bum to raise a smile :-)

Steve said...

Trish: it depends on the bum as to what it raises...

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again... there's never a dull moment in Leamington Spa.

And where did you get that photo of me?

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: Leamington Spa is a soft touch for bums and that's the truth. As for your photo - I got it from your pay-to-view site. Best $10 I ever spent. ;-)

Kelloggsville said...

Nice arse (totty not you). Slightly more appealing than my gratuitous bum shots this week ( no pun intended). Personally I love to see a nice mans bottom. Perhaps you should widen your horizons, seek out the better formed model and then report back on your feelings towards them. Can I suggest you stare at mens arses in the local swimming pool. Look forward to reading about it ( in the papers).

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: I think your bum looks nicer than mine but then my view of mine is rather limited to what can be achieved with mirrors and yoga. As for staring at men's bums... not sure that would work. Such activities were fine in the 80's when mirrored sunglasses were all the rage but since then I have been banned from Leamington's Netball Association Tournaments and all women's hockey matches in the Warwickshire area. I don't know what I'd do if I got banned from the local football ground, the municipal swimming pool and the golf course as well. Probably stay at home and surf more porn on the internet, I suppose.

The Dotterel said...

God it's all happening in Leamington, isn't it? Maybe bums should be the new bloggy meme? I can see this one really catching on...

Steve said...

TheDotterel: a bum meme? Sounds a bit daggy to me. ;-)

Readily A Parent said...

Listen Steve, when the universe gives you the bum rush, you're not supposed to counter-attack. You're supposed to turn the other cheek.
(Can't believe I was the first one to use that!).
Nice ass, btw.

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: thanks. Getting in and out of those Sloggi pants was a real nightmare.

Mark said...

You crack me up. Actually, I'll rephrase that... very funny.

Steve said...

Mark: as long as I don't have you on the skids...

joebloggs said...

Like the "ying" for the universe's "yang", I hope many more fat spotty and hairy arses appear your way, then you will have to post more of those pics....I bet you have plenty hidden under your "Cyber Mattress".

the fly in the web said...

What the universe is telling you is that you should, after all, have stolen those knickers in order to distribute them to the knickerless of Leamington Spa.

Nota Bene said...

But Iwas just pleased to see you!

Steve said...

Joe: my cyber mattress could do with a good scraping off, to be honest...

The fly in the web: sadly there are not enough knickers in the world to cover up all the arseholes in Leamington Spa.

Nota Bene: you have a very noticeable swing to the left.

Rol said...

I'm starting to wondwer if you can differentiate reality from the fevered dreams of your id. Come on, Steve, admit it, neither of those incidents really happened... it's time to step out of the closet. All those years of repression and too-much-protesting are causing you to hallucinate male naked buttocks wherever you look. I knew all those posts about Sarah Beany and Kirstie Allsop were just a ruse...

Steve said...

Rol: if I admitted to dreaming of resting my fevered brow on the warm pillows of your buttocks, would that make you happy?

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I think you'll find that even appreciators of the male form don't appreciate seeing it in THOSE forms!

Sounds like those guys need a check-up from the neck-up or are possible sozzled out of their bonces on drugs.

Very brave of you to confront Mr Asbo. I don't think you should have done so alone though. Bad work practice on the part of your employer to take such risks when someone could have a knife or a syringe or anything and is bound to object in some way to being ejected.

Barry Coidan said...

Steve, after reading this hair-raising post and the previous knicker fixated one, I decided to google Leamington Spa. I felt sure that here must be something unusual about the place to explain your experiences.

Is it on the intersection of mystic lay lines? Is it the centre of the UK's hallucinogenic mushroom industry?Is it the first town in England to trial (unsuccessfully) the Gov't's new care in the community policy.

I found nothing.Just a lovely town with much to recommend it.

Now I'm worried.

Dan said...

This post really is a bunch of arse :)

Heather said...

What a load of arse. Sorry, couldn't help myself.

I agree with Very bored - it really does sound like an interesting place you live.

Steve said...

Laura: from what I saw his syringe was really titchy.

Barry: I'm thinking of applying for a job with the local tourist board... what do you reckon my chances are?

Dan: you cheeky git. ;-)

Heather: I suspect I'm bigging it up for all the wrong reasons. I'm determined to get the town on the global map of fame. Or, failing that, Embarrassing Bodies.

Phil said...

Hmmph…

Fellow Bums & ‘Sloggi’s’,

Copy and paste these links into you know where…

a) ‘FOR THE GIRLS’ (& Steve)
Note! When the ‘first’ link page opens up – go to ‘select colour’ in the middle of the page and tick ‘navy & red’ – then ‘hover’ your cursor over the resultant image on the left!!

http://www.figleaves.com/uk/product.asp?product=Sloggi-Start-2-pack-midi-brief&product_id=SI-28036&size=&colour=Multicoloured


b) and now - ‘FOR THE BLOKES!!’
Yeaah….You already know exactly what to do. Click-n-Hover to your wiener’s content.

http://www.figleaves.com/uk/product.asp?product=By-Caprice-Martina-Thong&product_id=CAP-100062&size=&colour=White

What a complete and utter bummer Steve, and what an ‘Annus Horribilis’ of a week you’ve clearly just endured. Let’s hope this is the arse end of it all for now.

You poor little Bummy Wummy.

P.S. – My wife wants to know ‘what’ exactly was master-Asbo doing in your bathroom?!

Steve said...

Phil: thank you for the links. Now I really won't get any work done for the rest of the day. As to your wife's question: washing his meat and 2 veg. Don't eat the stew is my advice.

Barry Coidan said...

Steve, it depends if they ask to see your medical record.

Steve said...

Barry: my medical record is fine. It's my criminal one that might cause me a few problems.

libby said...

Oh the cheek of them...imagining that anybody is interested in their bits and pieces....but Steve if you feel you need a reason to post some totty then tell yourself its because of those two arseholes....

Steve said...

Libby: I've a feeling I'll be dining out on those 2 arseholes in terms of totty for quite some time to come...

Barry Coidan said...

Yep: knicker nicking and arsing about would catch up with you eventually.

I suggest a good lawyer and you hand yourself in.

Steve said...

Barry: it's the police who taught me everything I know...

Modern Military Mother said...

Well it is a Spa town - what do you expect. I thought you all walked around in towels!

Steve said...

MMM: we're certainly all very salty and prone to bubble forth.

Suburbia said...

Great story, I could visualise it all!

Steve said...

Suburbia: while I wish I could remove the images from my mind...! ;-)

Gorilla Bananas said...

It sounds like a classic case of homosexual panic. I hope that woman's pert bottom succeeded in reducing your anxiety.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: I'm certainly feeling a lot more relaxed now, yes...

The Sagittarian said...

Go on, you can admit that the photo is of you wearing a pair of nicked knickers....

Simpsonslover said...

1. First line of your second paragraph: I read it as "I'm going about my undies." That threw me for a six, that did, til I read it again properly.

2. Awwww poor you, it must have been awful searching Google images for just the right piece of A.

3. Where the HELL do you live?

and

4. Where the HELL do you live???

Vicky said...

Maybe next week will be breasts week LOL

Steve said...

Amanda: yep. That's me, toned and de-boned.

Simponslover: I believe quite frequently that I live in the arsehole capital of the world. I think this post validates my claim. And yes, searching google for that choice piece of A was unbelievably hard and arduous. I had to spread it out over several days as I was frequently overcome.

Vicky: but knowing my luck all I'll get is moobs.

Keith said...

It's all go in your end of the Universe.

Steve said...

Keith: I know but a lot of the time it's just hot air...

misssy m said...

Steve, I feel like following you with a documentary crew! One week should do it.

Steve said...

Misssy M: you may have to pixelate out the rude bits.

Wylye Girl said...

Airborne ketchup! FABULOUS! You are seeing more male arse than me and I'm a married woman!

Steve said...

Wylye Girl: I think that's because the male tends to be the arse in most relationships...

Löst Jimmy said...

Nice bum, as for the degenerate invader I didn't know what to write I was afraid I'd make an arse of it...

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: arses are born not made...! ;-)

London City Mum said...

Bwah ha ha ha ha ha...

And you didn't take any photos? Tsk.

LCM x

Steve said...

LCM: I couldn't find the wide-angle function on my mobile phone camera in time.

Rebecca Emin said...

This made me snort with laughter! And personally I'd rather look at the picture of the rear view on this blog than a drunken flapping hairy one running down the road.

Steve said...

Rebecca: having had the benefit of viewing both I agree with you.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

Will you please stop publishing pics of my bum on your blog? PS. And next time, could you use a picture with some cuter underwear? Those aren't my best.

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: sorry, but your lawyers make access difficult and my sniper lens has trouble penetrating the hedge around your garden...