Thursday, February 24, 2011

Apocalypse Maybe

When I was a teenager I put much store in predictions. Particularly predictions about the end of the world. And that kind of stayed with me throughout my twenties. I’m not talking about grizzled old men pacing the streets in sandwich boards proclaiming that “The End Is Nigh”. I’m talking Nostradamus. I’m talking that weird Bible Code shit a decade or so ago where some enterprising Jewish people entered every syllable and character of the Old Testament into a computer and basically turned it into a giant word search.

I sucked all that up. I was never sure whether I really believed it but I kind of fed on it in the same way that teenagers feed on horror movies. That strange pleasure you get from being temporarily scared (and then you go back to looking through a top shelf magazine and everything is OK again. Er. When you’re a teenage boy, that is.)

I can’t remember now whether Nostradamus attributed any specific dates to his predictions but I’m aware that Prince put much store by the year 1999. Well the party might be over (oops) for Prince but we’re still here, aren’t we?

As for the Bible Code... well, I’m pretty sure it was debunked on television. I seem to remember some “expert” stating that if you entered every character from War And Peace into a computer and applied the same set of algorithms you would also find linked words and phrases that would be “highly suggestive” and “open to interpretation”.

But one date that the Bible Code came up with for the end of the world stuck in my mind. 2012. To be fair I think it came up with several possible End Of The World dates. 2006 was one I’m sure. These guys were plainly hedging their bets. I don’t know why they just didn’t foretell that the world would end sometime between now and, well, the end of the world. That, at least, would have been loosely accurate.

So. 2012. It’s a date my logical mind has pooh-poohed since I hit my sane and discerning thirties and forties. The worst thing that is going to happen in 2012 is us, the UK, hosting the Olympics and undoubtedly ballsing it all up.

But then all this shit kicks off in the Middle East and my illogical brain suddenly hauls out 2012 and mutters, “What if, dude, what if? What if it’s true?” (Yes, my illogical brain talks like Keanu Reeves in Bill & Ted).

It doesn’t keep me awake at night but I’m really annoyed with myself that there is a small rogue element of my psyche that still gets sucked into this “End Days” crap. It’s nonsense. It really is. End of the world? There’ll be wars. There’ll be death. There’ll be destruction. Somewhere, somehow in any given year. It’s a lottery and one we’ll all lose at some point in our development as a species. But the end of the world?

Nah.

But I might look on eBay for an Anderson shelter just in case. If nothing else I can hide there while the Olympics is on and miss the entire debacle. Win-win, right?



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46 comments:

The Dotterel said...

Well, well, and I always had you down as an uber-rationalist of the Richard Dawkins school of rationalism. Still, I suppose it pays to be prepared as the boy scouts used to say.

Any room in that shelter?

Anonymous said...

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN
Why American men should boycott American women

http://boycottamericanwomen.blogspot.com/

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

Brother Tobias said...

The domino effect in the Middle East seems to owe much to communication - mobile networks and the internet. It hints at what might follow...China (the biggest users of the internet)? In the UK, as austerity bites - youth debt, unemployment, taxation, suddenly nothing seems beyond the bounds of possibility. Governments must be un-nerved everywhere. I'm sure communication is a force for good, but for stability? - Maybe not so much.

Steve said...

The Dotterel: only if I take out my Lego collection... and I'm not sure I'm prepared to do that.

Anonymous: er... thank you. Have you been let down in a recent heterosexual relationship, by any chance? Can I have the American women you don't want? Christina Ricci, Kirsten Dunst, Natalie Portman to name but a few...? Can we make this legal and draw up a contract? I don't want you changing your mind later when you get let down by a woman from Brussels.

Brother Tobias: I guess my blog is part of that communications network. I am now wondering if I have brought about the End of the World merely by writing about it. Who know where the domino effect of Bloggertropolis will end?

lunarossa said...

Hi Steve, If you like end of the world theories and/or mysteries, I can only recommend the series "FlashForward" based on Robert J. Sawyer's book but much much better on screen...Ciao.A.

Steve said...

Lunarossa: this was on TV a while back but we missed it... a soothsayer told me I would get a hundred years bad ju-ju if I watched it. I didn't want to take the chance...

the fly in the web said...

According to ghastly sister in law, who having paid an obscene sum to New Age phonies now calls herself a qualified shaman...makes me wonder about the unqualified ones...Mayan prophecies predict the end of the world in 2012.
Having seen their computation system at first hand...or archeologists' interpretation thereof... I reckon it either already happened and we didn't notice or it hasn't and we still won't notice it.

Marginalia said...

Steve, it's your own fault you will call up these daemons. "Anonymous" clearly thinks you're as freakish as he is: confirmed,I suspect, in his mind by your response.(By the way his site appears to be hugely popular. I might try his approach).

However, you're a bit late; the "End of Days" has been and gone. You must have be busy moving some wine cases or something, not to have noticed.

Steve said...

The fly in the web: is this according to the Mayan calendar or have suitable adjustments been made to ours? To be honest I'll probably be running around trying to get the kid's breakfasts and get them dressed and I'll be grateful for the rest.

Marginalia: you mean his site was real?! I just assumed it was, you know, a joke. Hmm. Must go and have a look. If he's reading my offer still stands: I want first dibs on the American women he doesn't want. He can keep Sarah Palin by the way. Too high maintenance and I suspect a bunny boiler (moose boiler?) to boot. Way too much trouble. As for missing the "End of Days" - did that happen last year when my internet provider cocked up my connection to the WWW?

Tenon_Saw said...

The end of the world will have come if my street decide to hold a street party for the upcoming Royal wedding. Why would anyone want to party in a street?

Steve said...

Tenon_Saw: some enterprising company is marketing Royal Wedding sick bags with the moniker "throne up" emblazoned all over them. I was thinking of getting a few for myself but I can place an order for you as well if you like?

libby said...

Soooooooo spooky...I was thinking about the mayan thing this morning and googled it...I feel just like you do Steve...but as I have always been a pessimistic I cannot say for sure that I think its all bunkum.....although as I took a leap of faith and had children I think I have to believe in the future and just not worry......ps in our first house we had an anderson shelter.....no safety there mate..might as well get rat arsed and smile...

Steve said...

Libby: getting rat arsed and smiling is plan B. As for the Mayan thing... my wife informs me it's more about the end of an era rather than the end of the world and is about the planets all aligning. So there you go... no need for a fall-out shelter after all. I'm going to buy some Lego instead.

Nana Go-Go said...

It`s been said that if there were ever a Third World War, it would start in the Middle East. I think we`re all secretly scared s***less at the moment - I look at my darling grandaughter and think what a filthy rotten world she`s been born into. There are people in top positions of power who are being paid a great deal to keep peace and harmony in the world. It`s time they started earning their money.

Kelloggsville said...

I remember gearing myself up for years that we were all going to die July 200?..I spent decades worrying about it. Every war, every political argybargy. I was very let down in an anticlimatical month and now I can't actually even remember the bloody year it was. All I'm saying is don't cash your pension in until after the fat lady sings.

Kelloggsville said...

PS I'm glad my marriage prospects are up again with all the American women no longer in the game :)

Owen said...

OK Steve, what sort of hanky panky have you been up to with American women that has this call for boycotting them coming in to your comment box ???

Don't forget to pack away large quantities of Spam and sardines. Oh, and the flame-thrower. Don't forget the flame-thrower. For end of the world scenarios, that's a "must" piece of equipment. At the very least you can toast your Spam with it.

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: alas they will have their work cut out for them. The only hope I have is that there are truly decent and wonderful people out there too. People like you and me. See, the world isn't all bad.

Kelloggsville: you don't think it's worth a punt with Ladbrokes...? Re: marriage prospects... not sure you should rejoice in a field of men who take on against an entire nationality of women and ignore their right to individuality! ;-)

Owen: spam. Yuck. I hate spam. Maybe I'll just sit outside the Anderson shelter and get it over with fast? As for the American Women Boycott thing... I have no idea why it appeared on my blog. I have nothing against American women. I have never sampled one but I'm up for a quick feel if someone wishes to volunteer (wife's permission pending, of course).

Mark said...

I could write you serious reply about why this is all bollocks but you know that already.

Just go cuddle the kids / wife and forget about dates and American women.. American women, what's that all about?

Modern Military Mother said...

OMG!! I agree too!!! Nice Keanu tagging too. love Keanu.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Yes, Nostradmus actually mentioned 1999 as the year in which some variety of shit would hit the fan. You must have been reading a lot of girlie magazines that year to take your mind off it.

Steve said...

Mark: apparently American Women are just bad. Like totally bad. Us men have to boycott them so that they learn a lesson or two. Personally I think it just means that Molly Ringwald is up for grabs and I'm totally OK with that.

MMM: you'd take the blue pill, right? See how deep the rabbit hole goes?

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: I remember having the mother of all wrist aches that year which may or may not be significant.

Suburbia said...

This means I am normal to think these things too then?!!

Phil said...

That old 21st December 2012 Mayan calendar one keeps coming back to taunt us doesn’t it.

Well…this is how our diary reads for that part of December 2012:

20-12-2012 – Attend Street Orgy with the neighbours, and get totally bladdered.

21-12-2012 – Carry out sponsored ‘Shootathon’ of senior banker execs in the city.

22-12-2012 – Attend ‘Adam & Eve’ theme party over the road, and get totally bladdered.

23-12-2012 – Must remember to take turkey out of freezer, before I get totally bladdered.

And so on……

P.S. re the: ‘Shootathon’ part – On the 21st December 2012, I plan to carry out a sponsored ‘Banker Shootathon’ in aid of under thirty year old’s who can’t raise the deposit for a mortgage.

The idea being for me to shoot as many senior executives’ of corporate banks as possible in one day. I’m aiming for one hundred. I have to say there has been an extraordinary interest in this venture from all corners of the globe. Our sponsorship fund currently stands at around £138billion, so we are considering running more ‘Banker Shootathon’s’ throughout 2013.

To register for sponsorship – please contact either Steve or myself through this blog. Let me go out with a ‘big bang’ of note on 21-12-2012, and lets all exchange fig leaf’s at ‘The Party’ on the 22nd12th2012.

And bollocks to the Mayan’s.

Steve said...

Suburbia: if you're using me as a benchmark then, yes, you are normal.

Phil: street orgy? That sounds like a spiffing idea though not sure what the old lady next door to me will think of it. Over the other side we have students... I daresay they'll just think it a normal night at the Student Union bar. Am happy to sponsor you for the banker shootathon... though quite fancy an axe-athon myself - it'll take longer and be more cathartic.

Wylye Girl said...

Steve, you don't have to worry. Dr Brian Cox, who I mentioned in my blog recently, and on who I have a slightly indecent crush, says that this 2012 stuff is nonsense. The Mayans also predicted that the world would end in 2012 but Dr Brian says they Mayans didn't know crap... and he should know. He's got a brain the size of a planet. I'm not sure which one but it will be a big one!

Marginalia said...

I just had to return to see where this wended, And wended a wibbly woobly way it did indeed.

I'm awarding tenon saw - grump of the year (pretty early for that I know but berating the Royal nupts. You're to receive the back dated "Limp Wrist of the Year" award 1999.

Livi said...

You'll regret this post when the apocalypse comes :P

TheUndertaker said...

Steve, right now in NZ it feels a bit like end of the world, we have a National State of Emergency declared, the national census has been cancelled this year, people are still buried under rubble and the Christians are blaming the gays and sinful people. Obviously they never heard about teutonic plates...
Anyway, let's just say shit happens, huh?

Steve said...

Wylye Girl: if Brian Cox says it's all OK and we're gonna live forever (light up the sky like a flame) then I'll cancel the gas masks and the tinned spam right now!

Marginalia: I might have limp wrists but I have biceps the size of mini coopers.

Livi: only if you're all alive to taunt me about it.

TheUndertaker: I can't believe in this day and age that people still need to apportion blame for natural disasters. Have been watching the news here with my heart in my mouth and hoping that everyone is OK even though I know that is impossible. So glad to hear you're OK though - still waiting to hear from a couple of other NZ bloggers... my thoughts are with you all.

vegemitevix said...

Yeah I feel like that too Steve! I used to love that Von Daniken guy and his theories about invaders from outer space building huge statues on Easter Island with big willies! Mind you it feels a bit like the end of the world, particularly in NZ. What the hell is going on there? As for the Olympics as The Publican says 'it's going to be a little bit shit!'

Steve said...

Vegemitevix: I feel heart sorry for the New Zealanders at the moment - they've been hit damn hard and the news reports of the amount of damage that has been done is shocking.

As for Easter Island's statues - do they have big willies? I obviously missed that on the documentaries. I expect if someone had said big tits I might have looked up and taken notice. ;-)

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

I'm away from the Blogosphere for a few days and the end is apparently nigh?! I'm now back so you can all carry on as before; panic over.

Steve said...

Trish: thank God for that. The pillars of the earth were crumbling away but now they're all OK.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I am now busy humming the REM song - - It's the End of the World As We Know It (and I feel fine) whilst browsing the Boycott American Woman blog—that dude has serious issues man! Woah, it would appear that Keanu speak is catching.

We really are all doomed!

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: yeah, the American women hating guy has some issues and then some. I only gave his site a cursory glance but caught the distinct whiff of misogyny, homophobia and sexual hang-ups backing all the way to potty training. I stamped it "avoid" and got my great American woman loving ass out of there.

Being Me said...

Of course, if the end is nigh, you could always bunker down and wait, then rebuild and call the resurrection Bloggertropolis. Just a thought.

Steve said...

Being Me: aw shucks, you just know how to appeal to a guy's megalomania...!

Löst Jimmy said...

To: Anonymous above

Send your American babes over here, but make it quick Steve says the world is going to end and I want to get through a few of those American Girls before the shutters come down.

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: man after my own heart.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Too late, you've had the kids now!

Not sure about the end of the world stuff, but I always say 'Good Morning Mr Magpie' if I see a lone magpie, for luck.

Steve said...

Laura: since I started accepting that magpies are just a member of the crow family I have stopped saluting them but I admit I still have a thing about not walking under ladders...

Readily A Parent said...

It's the zombie plague flu that's going to get us, actually. But not until 2026. It'll spread via all those whoring American Women and their gay pimps.
I know this because I have a crystal ball. And a third eye.

No wait, my husband says that those are his hairy balls and my third nipple.
Nebermind.

susie @newdaynewlesson said...

Actually if I remember correctly the bible code was proven by mathemeticians not able to be replicated by other long books. My copy of the book is out on loan so can't find you the details.

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: hairy balls and a third nipple? Is that like reading the Tarot? Could you do a spread for me?

Susie: Wha?! You mean it's freakin' true? Noooooooo!