Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Compensation With Menaces

I've had two now.

Two text messages on my phone advising me that I am entitled to a huge wodge of cash for the accident that I just had.

The first time I was at work and wondered if it just was a veiled threat from a work colleague. Yeah, that's right Blakey, you're gonna have an accident real soon, something nasty and anally invasive with a museum artefact - probably that South Sea Island carved spear you admire so much or the narwhal tusk. You're gonna get it. Right up to the hilt. And then - ultimate insult - we're gonna offer you a measly £325 in compensation.

Because that's all the first text offered me.

£325.

Honestly. It's not worth getting an in-growing toenail for £325.

So I deleted the text. I binned it. I ignored it.

But a second one came today whilst in the car, driving back home from town. £3250 this time.

They've added a nought.

The threat has plainly increased exponentially. We're not talking about mere impalement now. We're possibly talking the loss of a limb. Maybe two. They may even throw in the loss of a testicle just to drive their point home.

They're out to get me and I don't know who it is.

I've a list of suspects as long as the staff list at work (funny that).

I'm unsure of how to play it. I mean, do I hold out for 6 figures but accept that this may mean lifelong dialysis and a Stephen Hawking voice box? Wheelchair access in the cinema?

They may even blind me, for God's sake. The Archers. Radio 4. The shipping forecast. Shit. What do I do?

I shouldn't have deleted that first text.

Maybe I could strike a deal? Accept their first offer. I mean, £325 ain't bad, is it? It's a caravan holiday in Cleethorpes. The weather might be nice that week. The kids love ice cream by the seaside. And I could get used to never sitting down again. There'd be an iPhone app for that surely?

Oh God! What do I do?

Shit. My phone is beeping again. It's another text...!

Oh God!



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54 comments:

The Dotterel said...

You know, there may be a way out of this. You know, have your cake and eat it. I mean, if they're already offering you cash in hand for a mishap that you've never had, do you really need one? I mean, a 'real' one. Maybe a cyber-accident would do?

I was offered a PhD the other day. Didn't have to write a thesis either!

Steve said...

The Dotterel: a cyber accident? Yes... I like it. That could work. You know, I've been typing with a distinct limp for the last few days...

Nana Go-Go said...

I wonder how much that trucker in New Zealand who fell in between his cab and trailer and got the air compressor nozzle stuck in his buttock and then started inflating accordingly until his colleague pulled it out, would be worth? Think yourself lucky!

Nana Go-Go said...

ps I read about that in `The Week` so it must be true!?

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: bet he's a real gas at parties.

Hey - and I bet he has a real inflated opinion of himself too!

;-)

joebloggs said...

I had an accident at work last week but rather than being compensated I just had to clean it up and sit in damp trousers all day....ho hum.

joebloggs said...

I had an accident at work last week but when I phoned up to see how much I was entitled to they said, and I quote "Sir, we do not cover those kind of 'accidents' maybe pelvic floor exercises would be more your thing"
Ah well, worth a try.

Steve said...

Joe: sometimes life is a real pisser. On the bright side... at least it wasn't a number 2.

Marginalia said...

I'd open the box.

Steve said...

Marginalia: I never did like Noel Edmonds.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You'd make more money if you injured yourself in a theatre full of paying spectators. I'd pay ten quid to watch you sit on a pineapple.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: have you not heard of the internet?

London City Mum said...

Maybe you should call them and ask if they want to buy a used lawnmower?

Yeah, I know, that doesn't make sense either.

LCM x

The Sagittarian said...

I can assure you that the trucker accident really did happen, he probably won't be getting anything by way of compensation other than his medical bills etc and will have to prove permanent disability for anything else...a pain in the a*** for him! I suggest you don't get that dramatic Steve, not for that small amount of cash unless they throw in the movie rights as well. :-)

TimeWarden said...

I should hang on to your testicles if I were you, Steve, you never know when you might need them!

Steve said...

LCM: a "used lawnmower"?!? Do you really think I possess such a thing?!

Amanda: so there's no point me investing in a tank of helium and a wide apertured nozzle, then?

TimeWarden: good advice. I shall endeavour to hang onto my nuts if nothing else.

Keith said...

And they always say "records show you may qualify for compensation for an accident you recently had". What records ? Who keeps them ? And where ? Kafka's Narnia ?

I mean, it's bad enough trying to keep track of what has happened. Can you imagine the paperwork needed to register stuff that hasn't happened at all ?

Steve said...

Keith: my thoughts exactly. I can't keep track of the accidents I have had let alone the ones that I haven't.

Martin Lower said...

I've had two or three of these messages! As I'm already up to £3250, should I be worried?

Steve said...

Martin: I would definitely consider going into hiding. But keep your mobile switched off; they can use it to locate you.

Being Me said...

I can't stop giggling immaturely at the sound of the placename, Cleethorpes. *titter*

I am clearly no help.

Steve said...

Being Me: count your lucky stars it wasn't Buttock Point (a real place)...! ;-)

Phil said...

And if that was ‘the banker’ on the phone at the end there, I hope you ‘dealt’ - and while your probably still bored shitless in the office there today…take a gander and a chuckle at this lot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cD8_FrNeNRc - Bored at work…make an air pistol.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS7FqfVwoMI&NR=1 govt employee of month


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLyu43JmlWA&feature=related bad day at office


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53yVQa9NT_w&feature=related angry man at work

I really thought of you with this little ol selection, especially the final sequence of the last ‘angry man’ one. LOL’s!

Steve said...

Phil: I may have to take my Flip Camera into work and make one of these myself...!

Mark said...

Small potatoes at only three grand, and so much hassle. You need a Carol Vorderman consolidation claim.. combine all your compensation into one simple to manage claim; easily secured on your house, just call COMPO DIRECT....

Steve said...

Mark: yes, but I don't want Carol talking to the hitmen, pointing at me and saying, "take 3 from the top and 2 from the bottom..."

English Rider said...

Just in case the worst occurs, I saved the "Win a free Cremation" junk mail for you.

Steve said...

English Rider: knowing my luck I'd have an unfortunate accident with a jet turbine and there'd be nothing left worth cremating. Is there a cash alternative?

Readily A Parent said...

Perhaps you can counter-offer? Or ask to join their gang as an accident-facilitator.
There's always a way out.
Though, if it's 3250 and all you have to do is lose a thumb or something....might be worth it. Especially if it happens at work where you can claim under insurance as well.
This could be your ticket out of there!

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: an accident facilitator? What a brilliant idea. At last - I could do something with true job satisfaction!

Old Cheeser said...

I get messages like this too and don't what it's all about. Do you, Steve? Actually I ended up in a phone conversation with someone who told me I might be entitled to money back from insurance and that she'd send me a form to fill in to claim...I can't help thinking it might be a scam!!

Steve said...

OC: I think it's a scam too but haven't yet worked out how these people who send us the texts make their money. Have to say I'm not planning on spending too much time on it. ;-)

Kelloggsville said...

I'm getting them but they have no amounts on them, am I not worth anything? *sobs*

Löst Jimmy said...

Spam spam spam?
I am personally waiting for the day those penis enlargement (engorgement) emails upgrade to texts. Well I'm waiting for them actually, more dreading, I feel wholly inadequate with the amount of emails I get encouraging me to supersize my obviously miniscule appendage.

On a different note, sorry I've not been around to comment of late. They've got me working the long shifts at the moment.

have a good weekend

And stay away from accidents waiting to happen lucrative as they may be!

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: have they not even offered you Lidl vouchers?

Löst Jimmy: I get loads of appendage augmentation emails... plainly they consider me an emergency while you can wait! Have a good weekend too. I've been on holiday this week... back to the grindstone for me on Monday, alas.

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

I don't get any spam texts or emails like this. They probably know if I have an accident that I have a husband who can sort me out with a roll of gaffer tape. Who needs compensation?

Steve said...

Trish: using gaffa tape as surgical equipment? How novel. In my house, my wife uses it solely as a gagging device.

Selina Kingston said...

You do seem prone to rather a lot of spam....have you got a funny walk too

Steve said...

Selina: only when I pace the corridors of the ministry.

Gypsy Dancer said...

How could I have not read your blog for so long Steve? You've already got me chuckling with your very British sense of humour.

I'm glad you didn't really have an accident :-)

Steve said...

Gypsy Dancer: thank you, although the money would be very nice. ;-)

Löst Jimmy said...

Have a good start back on Monday, enjoy the rest of Saturday and Sunday first.

As for Enter the Dragon we are kindred spirits!

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: I'd hate to miss all that "heavenly glory"...!

Fran said...

I keep getting texts thanking me for giving blood. Very very spooky.

Wanderlust said...

I think those were meant for me, Steve. I've had the accident but no compensation. So just forward on to me, k?

Steve said...

Fran: I blame Stephenie Meyer; vampires are so "with it" these days.

Wanderlust: if I can have a forwarding fee, they're yours.

TheUndertaker said...

Run, Forrest, run...!

Steve said...

TheUndertaker: those chocolates are out t'get me, Jenny!

Owen said...

You may just have to head quickly for the USA... the payouts for accidents are much bigger there. I mean, given that you now know you are going to have one, you may as well try to improve your chances of retiring early with the payout. Good luck and bon voyage...

Steve said...

Owen: trouble is the resultant hospitalization greatly outweighs in financial terms any payment I might receive - I'd hate to be put into the situation where I have to choose which leg I want sewn back on because I haven't sufficient funds to hang onto both...

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Like yourself, I too have been getting those. Most annoying.

Steve said...

Laura: damn. I thought I was special.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

I'm with Gorilla Bananas. Make the pineapple video and put in on Youtube. When it goes viral, you can be an advertiser and make millions.

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: what is it about people obsessing about my bum?