Monday, May 02, 2011

Pre-Ops Briefing

Windsor DaviesOK, soldier.

You better listen up and listen up good. You've had it easy so far. Trips to the beach. Trips to Birdland in Bourton-on-the-Water. Trips to Legoland. You've lived the high life and battered that ol' credit card pretty good.

But now it's payback time.

Here's where you start paying in sweat - and I ain't talking 'bout no dirty dancing with Irene Cara.

Tomorrow, you're going in. Behind enemy lines. Deep into enemy territory. You knew this day was coming. Hell, we knew this day was coming; that's why we cut you some slack. But the leash is back on now and yanked tighter than a nun's gusset.

Now, don't panic none, soldier. We're gonna get you kitted out with the finest hardware the military can buy.

I'm talkin' an assault action poker-face that you can don at any time. Any of those admin lovin' mofo's try to slide some red tape up your ass... well, you just don this and stare the suckers down. I guarantee they'll buckle and shit staples.

I'm talkin' ACME "couldn't give a shit" body armour. We got you the full body suit straight off the production line, son. You got balls to brain protection. Shoot, those tie-pin wearing nerd-busters can spend all day firing 'high responsibility' rounds at you and you ain't gonna feel nothin' but a pin-prick. You give them the finger and send them home to mama.

But most of all, I'm talkin' secret weapon. I'm talkin' something so ball-breakingly big and meaningful those mealy-mouthed sons and sonesses of bitches are gonna lactate pure devil-deep frustration. I'm talkin' life and drive and ambition for something way beyond that hell box they call the office.

And we're giving you that in spades.

So you dig deep, boy. You dig deep and tomorrow... you go back to work.



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33 comments:

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

I shall think of you tomorrow, back to work in the body armour, with extra room for those kahunas of yours. I'll still be chilling out in my pyjamas.

Hi ho, hi ho and all that.

Keith said...

But you still have today to go barefoot.

Alienne said...

Good luck when you go over the top, soldier. (and why aren't the BBC still repeating It ain't half hot mum? They repeat everything else.)

Steve said...

Trish: I'd rather make like Snow White and sleep through the entire event.

Keith: and I mean to make the most of it!

Alienne: that's a good question. I guess they're a little uncomfortable with the inherent racism of the writing... I mean, Windsor Davies did give the Welsh a bad name. ;-)

Readily A Parent said...

Don't forget your pretty pink parasol for when the shit hits the fan.
Will be thinking about you as a wipe up dog poop and do 20 loads of laundry - may even be a bit envious.

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: do you want to borrow some of my combat gear? I'll even hose it out first?

Wylye Girl said...

Ah,Windsor Davies, he lived in the same village as me in France. Good luck as you go over the top laddie. I have until Thursday.....

Steve said...

Wylye Girl: it's not so much a clean bullet I'm trying to avoid as dirty flak...

Marginalia said...

It's knowing tomorrow people like you will be toiling all the hours God sent that gives me a warm and contented feeling as I wonder whether or not to set the alarm.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Is this code for saying that you participated in the Bin Laden raid?

Steve said...

Marginalia: when it's time to fix the bayonets I'll be on the look out for you...! ;-)

Steve said...

Gorilla: yes, according to Fox News it was I wot shot Obama.

the fly in the web said...

Have you considered lacing the loos with sugar and harpic to flush out those who spend their time there in spectacular fashion?

Sod the lot of them...you have something they'll never have...talent.

Steve said...

The fly in the web: I wish you were my Colonel-in-Chief.

Mark said...

Oh God, is tomorrow is a work day again? I'd almost forgotten.

Steve said...

Mark: sorry to be the bearer of bad news...

Old Cheeser said...

So is that what this extended analogy is about? Going back to work? Oh dear, sounds like a real (and metaphorical) battlefield...

Steve said...

OC: what can I say? Right now I feel just like Osama Bin Laden felt last night.

Nana Go-Go said...

Why don`t you follow Obama`s lead and grow another ball, like he looked like he just had as he walked away from that podium - seemed to work for him in the face of adversity......but then again, maybe not...time will tell. Let `em have it with both barrels, Duke!

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: both barrels - or both balls?

London City Mum said...

And I was almost looking forward to going back to the office before reading this.

Tsk.

LCM x

Löst Jimmy said...

It'll be fine, 'tis always less than one imagines. If it is any consolation I do understand that feeling your having on the eve of the return to work. I'll be thinking of you.

Steve said...

LCM: just thought I'd get everybody into the right mood.

Löst Jimmy: thanks, my friend. Good to know there are some decent people out there amongst all the dross.

Vicky said...

Welcome to my world, I had to go back last week after a 5 day Easter Break!!

Steve said...

Vicky: please tell me; do you get over it? Does life become bearable again?

Nota Bene said...

It's Tuesday today...does the weekend start tomorrow?? I'm sure it does...

Steve said...

Nota Bene: I wish...

Owen said...

Sounds like the feces is hitting the fan... try not to get spattered, ok ?

The Sagittarian said...

Work is highly over-rated!

Being Me said...

Ohhhhhhh Steve. Shall be thinking of you and not only fervently hoping you get a job offer you can't refuse but also wishing you....

FAME.
You're gonna live forever. You're gonna learn how to fly. HIGH...
Ummm, but hopefully not so much of the "people will see me and cry..." bit.

Damn you and your Irene Cara/Fame-intro quote, man! Now I've got that in my head. But dang... I loooved that show.

Good luck for your first days back and recloning yourself.

Steve said...

Owen: when you're in the shit anyway a little on your face is hardly cause for concern...!

Amanda: and underpaid!

Being Me: thank you. I came to Fame late (this has possibly created a template for my life... that's my thinking anyway) but have fond memories of Julie strumming away at her cello and everybody mooning over her. And Leroy and his hot older lady English teacher. Wednesday nights were cool when I was a young teen.

Phil said...

Ahhh…just call in sick. What’s the worst they could do – fire you?

“Lovely boy, lovely boy”. Forgotten what a great act old Windsor Davies was in that part.

Steve said...

Phil: at least you knew where you stood with Windsor's sarge... that's got to be a big plus in anybody's book.