Thursday, December 15, 2011

Women On The Telly Who You’re Not Meant To Fancy But I Do, Sort Of (Part 1)

Monica Galetti1) Monica Galetti.

Anyone who has ever watched Masterchef will know that Monica Galetti is Michel Roux Jr’s senior sous chef and right hand man. Literally. She is like the personal body guard to the godfather of food. This woman spends 90% of her time looking so fierce that she’s more of a serious Sioux chief than a senior sous chef. You mess up that jus or crash that ganache and this woman will have your trembling gonads plucked and par-boiled in a white wine reduction before you can say egg chips and spam. I have seen professionally skilled contestants on Masterchef quail and gnash their teeth when faced with the warrior palate of Monica Galetti. This woman does not pull her punches. This woman knows culinary karate. Offer her a dog’s dinner and she’ll fillet you in the most painful way possible. I suspect that even Michel Roux Jr himself is secretly terrified of earning Monica’s stinging disapprobation. But when a chef gets it right, when a contestant delivers the dog’s bollocks then one word of praise from The Galetti Machete is enough to reduce the hardest, toughest chef into a bubbling soufflé of sheer pleasure.

This woman is undoubtedly high maintenance. She is exacting and demanding and expects perfection every time. That would be enough to kill most men. But what a way to go. Because there is just something about Monica that does the business for me. There is something of the Amazon about her (and I’m not talking about express delivery and better DVD deals than Play.com). She is athletic in her brooding intensity. But I suspect that away from the harsh get-it-right-first-time plate-‘em-up pressure of a 2 Michelin star kitchen Monica is something of a Cadbury’s Flake eating Pre-Raphaelite fairy. Sort of floaty and into water colour painting and tantric yoga. Needlecraft and cushion making. The sort of woman who secretly wants to defer all decisions to a big hairy tattooed brute of a man.

Oh who am I kidding? It would be Monica on top every time with a carving knife against your throat and a garlic press up against your testicles. This woman cooks and, yes, I mean that euphemistically as well as literally.

Chef, I say, chef?! I think my custard has set!

Ruth Goodman2) Ruth Goodman.

I am, if I’m honest, hard pressed to state why I think Ruth Goodman is quite attractive. But I think she is. Yes, she has a pointy orc nose. Yes, her teeth are not perfect (but neither are mine). Yes, she is so freckly she must have the melanin levels of an entire Mediterranean country. But she has something that makes me go “Hmm” every time I see her. She’s clever. She’s into history and is not averse to squeezing herself into a corset (ah – that might be it) to provide televisual re-enactments of days gone by. She has also got, I suspect, a filthy sense of humour as evidenced by her butter making skills on Victorian Farm Christmas this week when she informed the audience that when butter has been successfully churned the correct term to use is that “the butter has come”. This woman makes butter come! I mean, come on! That’s got to hit the spot of every red blooded male for miles around (well, barring all those that are on Benecol, of course). She then inserted herself up a windmill in the same episode so that she could admire the grinding mechanism. She is plainly insatiable.

To be serious for one moment though, I think the most likeable thing about Ruth Goodman is that she’s honest. She’s on TV a lot but she doesn’t dress herself up or go in for personality fakery. She is what she is and she neither apologizes for it nor forces it down your throat. She’s the woman next door. The woman at the bus stop. Real and vivacious. In a corset and a Victorian bustle. And she makes butter come. Even Monica Galetti can’t do that (though I have no doubt that she can stiffen a soufflé).

Miranda Hart3) Miranda Hart

I’m not really sure if Miranda qualifies to be here in the sense that I think she is plainly very fanciable. It doesn’t feel as “out there” or as leftfield to say one finds Miranda Hart attractive as compared to the two lovely ladies above. I think this is simply because Miranda is warm and funny and smoothly spoken and kind and personable... I mean, just what is there not to like?

But a lot of people find her height and stature off-putting. I can appreciate that. After all, she is a majestic giantess of a woman. A colossus with an impressively deep décolletage. Her ideal partner in terms of physique would be The Cerne Abbas Giant. But what hillside would not be improved with an impression of Miranda Hart carved into the side of it? Hell, my own lawn is big enough and I’m pretty good with a hoe - if Miranda fancies a modelling assignment I’m free most weekends. I’ll even leave a few strategically placed dandelions dotted about the place. There may even be room for a vegetable plot. It would double the pleasure of seeing the legumes pushing through the topsoil next summer.

Miranda strikes me as being jolly good company for all occasions. She sounds posh but isn’t at all stuffy. She’s statuesque but delightfully feminine. She’s a comedy extravert and yet also winningly shy and demure. And, Godammit, she just has a very beautiful face and a smile that makes you want to hug her. She’s a gorgeous ‘gel’ and no mistake.

She’s given me a funny bone.

So, over to you guys. Who is your guilty pleasure on TV these days?



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37 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

The ravings of a man who wants to be pussy-whipped. Maybe you should start reading a few dominatrix blogs to wet your whistle.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: care to recommend any?

libby said...

I love that you have posted this Steve.....you obviously, like most men, would get a LOT of satisfaction from having an fhm/nuts/any other lads mag kinda gal lusting after you in a club....but I suspect that you appreciate that us real ladies (wobbly bits/plain faced etc.,)are more than just the sum of our parts, with brains and humour and skill and fun, and it really is more than looks that count....and just in case you wondered, if I were ever to be done with men and think about the ladeeez I can see why Monica would be enticing....ps I am sending you a virtual hug 'cos you are standing up for real women!

Steve said...

Libby: aw shucks, thank you. Here I am thinking I'm just an old lascivious pervert and instead I find I've performed a valuable public service. ;-)

vegemitevix said...

Hey you know that the lively Monica is a juste example if the NZ wahine. Yeah all. Kiwi women are like that. Xx

Nana Go-Go said...

Everything Libs said....except the bit about fancying Ms Monica Whiplash....I commend you on your other choices too. I once asked a very attractive man why he always chose Blonde Bombshells, with not much between their ears, for dating. 'Wouldn't you prefer someone with a bit of common sense'?, I asked him. He replied 'What would I do with all that common sense'? It's very nice to know there are men who clearly think differently, you being one of them. Big Hugs from me too.

Steve said...

Vix: as long as she likes it down under that's good enough for me. ;-)

Nana Go-Go: anymore comments like this and I'm going to feel decidedly holier than thou. Thank you.

Elizabeth said...

Just popped over from Libby's site and SOOOO..OOO agree with all she says. x

Steve said...

Elizabeth: I'm blushing. Thank you very much.

Nota Bene said...

Oh dear. Oh dear

Steve said...

Nota Bene: you say that like it's a bad thing.

Being Me said...

I enjoyed this post. (Geez.... way to sound like an anon spammer) And I PROMISE I had something to say. (Why do I always make disclaimers about what I *was* going to comment when it's clear I'm not going to do that now??)

Your reply to VegemiteVix did me in. I am no longer here. I am officially ROFL. I don't do that for just anyone, you know.

Katriina said...

Intriguing and enlightening.

My own list of the most unexpectedly fanciable blokes on tv is already forming in my head. Starting with Hugh Laurie, of course.

Tenon_Saw said...

I thought Miranda was stunning on 'Have I Got News For You' last week.

John Gray said...

miles jupp
Derren Brown
and Rufus Hound

go figure

Löst Jimmy said...

Steve, I hear you dear friend! I'm a Monica Man, no doubt about it.

Owen said...

Audrey Fleurot; Google her on-line images... she has suddenly risen to prominence in the French film that is breaking attendance records these days : Intouchables.

I won't mention anything else that may have suddenly risen to prominence.

Steve said...

Being Me: look, are you going to try and sell me some lipstick or not?

Katriina: actually Hugh Laurie isn't as unexpected as you think. I work with 2 people who think Mr Laurie is entirely edible.

Tenon_Saw: me too. The lady has found her va-va-voom.

John: Derren Brown? Seriously?

Löst Jimmy: I guess we both want to eat out at hers...?

Owen: duly Googled and heartily approved of.

Helen Codd said...

Nick and I think Monica keeps Michel Roux chained up in the cellar with a leather mask on (consensually) with him whimpering "Monica, my mistress, let me out and I'll cook you a perfect halibut!" every once in a while....

Steve said...

Helen: I totally concur. Michel's beard bears the compression marks of long incarceration within soft leather. And if you look carefully you can also see the imprint of a zip line that runs across both his lips too.

Trish @ Mum's Gone To ... said...

Setting custard and legumes pushing through topsoil. If you carry on with all this dirty talk I will....oh....sorry...I think the butter has come.

Steve said...

Trish: oh dear... do hope it isn't a Golden Churn.

Nominal said...

You're one of those blokes on a blog wot me Mam told me not to speak to. That's why (sigh) Uhm wrytink.

Steve said...

Being Me: I do apologise for the lipstick based reposte to you above. I totally misread your original comment and read it as "avon spammer" as opposed to "anon spammer".

It kind of made sense at the time.

Steve said...

Nominal: I know what school you go to.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Here's a good one for a novice. Let me know how it goes.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: gosh. You took me at my word. Er. Thank you.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

Hey, Vegemitevix. Speak for yourself. But I liked the bit about getting inside a windmill to observe its mechanism. (LMSG 25 March 2011). Great post in praise of non-dolly birds. Nice one.

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: more than happy to be of service!

joebloggs said...

Oi, get back to the eye candy and leave the munter alone!!

Oh ok the big girl is kinda ok and the manly bird wot cooks would feed you after but the bustle wearing bird with the big conk.....NNNNnnnnnoooooo!

joebloggs said...

Ladies Please don't hate me,
I was Joking!!!!! before all the plain looking girls start issuing Fatwas.

joebloggs said...

Yeah, you know you was thinking about it.

Steve said...

Joe: hell hath no fury, Joe, hell hath no fury.

And don't knock a bird in a bustle. You never know that she's concealing up there.

Keith said...

Missed this one so leaving a very very late comment.

With you 100% on Ruth and Miranda. They can harvest my strawberries or sell me joke toys any day they like.

And can I just wave the flag for Miranda's shop assistant mate Stevie ( Sarah H ) while we are at it.

Steve said...

Keith: Stevie and Miranda? Hmm. I agree... a most pleasurable double act.

Anonymous said...

Would love to see a photo of Ruth Goodman when she was younger. If she looked anything like her daughter Eve then she was truly hot. That said I completely agree with you that she is today quite attractive. I believe that what you and I may see in here aside from her odd external beauty is the inner beauty coming to the surface.

Steve said...

Anonymous: poetically put. On a more venal level I think she's a real go-er and I'd happily jump into the sack with her and immerse myself in her mature fruitiness.