Monday, February 04, 2008

At War With The World

I’m not sure who fired the first shot but the battle lines have undoubtedly been drawn this morning. My enemy seems to be everywhere. Not in full view like a Napoleonic regiment but instead secreted behind every window and street corner... a host of snipers hidden at every vantage point as I go about my day to day business.

There’s nothing fatal about their attacks but they’re debilitating. Their ammunition is irritation and annoyance. They’re fighting a war of attrition to wear me down.

And it’s working.

Every job I undertake is interrupted with the pressing needs of three others. Keys required for various work tasks seem to just walk away by themselves or vanish into thin air. My computer is on a go slow – I’m not joking; my paperclip tray has more processing power than my PC at the moment. My telephone is refusing to work... I swear to God it is connecting to numbers that I haven’t even dialled.

And my pens.

Even my pens have turned against me.

I got into work this morning to find their tops have all mysteriously been chewed over the weekend.

I, personally, do not chew pens. I do not chew pencils, crayons, biros, paint brushes or anything in fact except food. I don’t even chew chewing gum.

So how the hell has that happened? Or perhaps rather, why?

If the world wants to fight dirty, so be it.

As of now the gloves are off.

19 comments:

Tristan said...

Maybe it's the MiL? Could she be a dark sorceress using her black witchcraft to blight your day? Or is life just crap?

Steve said...

If it was the MIL I suspect she'd have something a little more formidable in her armoury than half chewed pen tops... napalm, nuclear warheads, official Government santioned warrant to visit us for an entire month... that type of thing.

Hmm...

Hey. What do you know? Life suddenly seems a darn sight less crap!

Rol Hirst said...

Chewing pen tops - particularly those belonging to other people - should be a hangable offence.

Steve said...

Too right... though personally I favour death by beheading. "Pen mightier than the sword? I don't think so, purp...!"

Reluctant Blogger said...

Ooops I chew pens!!

Perhaps I had better leave now before something horrid is done to me?

I hope your day is improving? Not long now till you get home and can open a nice bottle of something alcoholic and forget about work. You could always keep a little tote of something in your desk drawer to help you through the day??

Steve said...

Ah Gina, but do you chew the pens of others? I suspect you show your colleagues far too much respect to ever dent their Parkers with your dentistry... I guess what you do with your own writing implements is entirely up to you and I have no beef with that.

As for a hidden stash in my work desk... I've often been tempted to keep a bottle of whisky there like a hardened, gravelly voiced drinker. But 5 months down the line with not a drop of it touched my colleagues would soon have all the proof they needed to call me a big soft, tea-sipping wuss... I'd rather keep them guessing.

TimeWarden said...

Sounds like you had a bad day, Steve. One of the problems in HAVING to deal with people!

Reluctant Blogger said...

I do try not to chew other people's pens. But I have done so by accident in the past - but only those boring biros that everyone has and then I have always replaced it with a new one for them. I am feeling suitably chastened! I had no idea others found pen chewing so annoying. I only took it up when I stopped smoking. I wonder what I will need to take up to quit the pen chewing??

I hope today is better for you. Otherwise flick elastic bands at a few people - I find that helps!

Steve said...

TimeWarden, accurate and to the point as usual. I suspect that if other people were removed from the equation all of my hassles would just disappear...!

Gina, I am now feeling inexplicably mean and petty... please do not beat yourself with a birch branch on my account. 100 lines written with an unmolested will suffice. Today is not too bad so far... but I suspect it's building up to something... it's looking at me funny already. ;-)

Daisy said...

i had that happen once at work...someone kept using my desk for their own private time while i was out...i lightly coated part of the desk and my pens with chili powder...just a light dusting that no one would see right off...it stopped promptly...yes i am a bitch and don't like my stuff being touched!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I see a solution to Rol Hirsts' concurrent problem of the man with the oversized lunchbox taking up all the staff fridge. He should come in at weekends and chew his colleagues' pen tops!

Who have you annoyed (apart from your MIL) lately Steve? This would seem to be a good starting point.

Steve said...

Hi Daisy, chili powder? What a fabulous idea... and it would make finding the culprit so much fun... he he he...!

Laura! Me? Annoy people?!? Perish the thought... ;-)

Matthew Rudd said...

Biros taste great, especially when you've just given up smoking.

Steve said...

They taste even better when they've been sprinkled with Extremely Hot Habanero Dry Spice... [cue wicked laughter...]!

Steve said...

Gina that should have been "100 lines written with an unmolested pen will suffice."

Excuse my typos and omissions. Someone has also chewed my keyboard.

The Sagittarian said...

I can see the headlines now..."Steve Unmasked as Secret Office Ninja from Hell" - don't get mad, get even is the only way to go on this one.

Steve said...

Too right. Crouching Tiger Hidden Ballpoint...

Old Cheeser said...

Perhaps there's an evil, pen-chewing, havoc reaking alien spirit afoot in your workplace?

Time to call in Torchwood? Or perhaps the Ghostbusters?

Steve said...

Hmm. Interesting suggestion OC, but dare I let the Torchwood team anywhere near my precious pens? Captain Jack would sneer at its puny lifespan, Owen would act all cold towards it and then try and turn it into his latest fuck-buddy, Ianto would go all cow-eyed over it simply because it had been touched by Jack and Gwen would probably nick it cos she's common. The only person I'd trust with it is Toshiko. She'd merely stick it in her top pocket (very cosy) and use it as it should be used. A pen. Would I let Tosh chew the end though? Hmm. Not sure. A bit of light nibbling would be ok, I guess, but no teeth marks please!