Thursday, February 07, 2008

Meat Feast

MeatloafI wasn’t going to write about Torchwood today, saving myself instead for the Gene Hunt-esque glories of Ashes To Ashes tonight but last night’s episode just sparked off far too many thoughts for me to leave it alone.

Firstly, the plot revolved around a huge alien that some nasty men were carving up alive as a source of cheap meat. No matter how much they sliced off, the thing just kept regenerating and growing bigger and bigger.

Now that’s what I call a real cash cow.

Anyway the alien looked like a cross between a huge meatloaf with eyes and a giant sock puppet from Playschool circa 1975. I half expected it to have coat button eyes. Even more curious, Captain Jack seemed to empathise with it in a closed-eyes, hands held out, hippy kind of way.

I’m not sure what the writer’s were trying to suggest with Jack’s latent ability to identify with a humungous piece of meat but hey...

Also the entire Torchwood team ended up in the back of a meat van (curiously un-refrigerated) at one point. Again, I found myself wondering if this was at all significant or symbolic...

And Gwen.

Gwen, Gwen, Gwen. Bless her freckly gap-toothed cutie-pie face. She did a lot of impassioned reasoning with her boyfriend, Rhys, last night. Lots of fists clenched tightly and slapped rhythmically against her admittedly impressive bosom.

It reminded me of someone and it took me until the end of the episode before I finally twigged who it was.

Bonnie Tyler.

I’m not joking. Acquire a clip of Gwen with her little fists hammering against her own chest furniture and stick “It’s A Heartache” behind it and I swear to God you will not be able to discern the difference between the pair of them. Gwen and Bonnie that is.

And finally... Ianto is doing his best to turn into Patrick Macnee and Tosh is chasing Owen. No no no to the latter. Owen is patently wrong for Tosh. She needs a sensitive soul who can revitalize and titillate her feng shui, respond to her dazzling intellect and persuade her to wear lower cut tops and mini skirts.

Oh and possibly thigh-length boots (stiletto heels optional).

Owen is too rough and, dare I say it, too tiresomely chauvinistic. And he has a mouth like Morph from Take Hart. Hardly suitable boyfriend material for a delicate Asian wallflower.

Other than that did I enjoy it, I hear you ask...

Curiously yes. Oddly emotive and decently weighty.

One big annoyance though: Gwen’s boyfriend, Rhys. What is she doing with him? The guy is a buffoon. A plonker of the first order. He sees an alien himself but then refuses to believe Gwen when she reveals that she sees them on a daily basis. Gah! The man is a huge, lumbering, brain-stem free, meat-head.

The nasty men should have been carving him up instead...

Another slice, anyone?

15 comments:

Andrew Glazebrook said...

Another episode I'm glad I missed ! :)

Steve said...

You're not a big fan of operatic rock then...? ;-)

Reluctant Blogger said...

Oh dear I forgot to watch it again.

But I will be watching Ashes to Ashes tonight. I adore Gene Hunt and Keely Hawes is very definitely my kind of girl! I can't wait!

Steve said...

I know what you mean, Gina, Keeley Hawes is most people's kind of girl. I always think she's got something of the Keira Knightly's about her... but with an added quality of earthiness / realness. I was very sad when she left Spooks. I saw her on Jackanory a couple of years ago (or some such programme)... rrrrr! Wasted on kids in my opinion!

And Gene Hunt is a god. "I'm avin oops" has passed into quote legend. That and "there'll never be a woman prime minister while there's a hole in my arse..." Hence I'm looking forward to his adventures in the Thatcher era tonight!

TimeWarden said...

From the episode title, I half-expected a rerun of last season's grisly cannibal story but thankfully we were spared that particular reprise!

I saw this episode as an analogy to whale hunting. It was a nice twist, though not entirely original, to have the alien as the good guy and we humans as the villains.

I thought the row between Gwen and Rhys was played pretty realistically but it does all feel a bit heavy, like chewing to little effect on a tough piece of "Meat"!

Reluctant Blogger said...

Keeley was gorgeous, wasn't she? I hope you are going to be writing a review later when you have time??? It would be nice if there were a photo - I'd be happy with Gene Hunt if you think Keeley might get us all a bit too overexcited on a Friday?

Anyway, I shouldn't be nagging you when I have a piles of work to do and haven't managed a blogpost of my own in nearly a week.

Steve said...

Hi TimeWarden, yes the whale analogy was well used I thought; automatically prompted our symapathy with the alien... I just wish the effects had been a little better. The realness of the look was well handled but the "character design" was sadly lacking I thought.

Gina, post already up and pulsing... complete with pic of the lovely Ms Hawes. Hope you enjoy! ;-0

Rol Hirst said...

For a second there, I thought Meat was a guest star. I'd have watched that!

Steve said...

Captain Jack empathising with Meatloaf? He he he... now that would be a show. "I'll do anything for love but I won't do that...!"

Annie said...

Hi Steve, I just watched TW. Having seen Sweeney Todd last night at the cinema (ugh) I was reluctant to see any more meat! Still, TW was watchable, if only for the scene with Gwen and Rhys. Contrary to your opinion, I really like Rhys. He was a bit of a wet lettuce in the first series but he proved himself a fine actor in this episode.
As for Ianto, he's boring and Owen has a mouth like a carp but I feel mean saying that, so I won't :-)

Steve said...

Like a carp?! He he he! Spot on! As for Rhys, I don't doubt he's a good actor but he and Gwen just don't seem right as a couple... they're in different leagues and move at different paces to each other. They just seem mismatched and wrong... I could imagine them as brother and sister but not lovers/partners.

The Sagittarian said...

Haven't seen the programmes you are referring to so will resort to smut instead...Hands up if you ever got shagged to a Meatloaf track? Anyone??

Steve said...

I can't say that I have, Amanda. To tell you the truth, the lyrics to Bat Out Of Hell would put me off my stroke...

Old Cheeser said...

Thought it was rather pants overall to be honest, and not worthy of Cath Treganna's (the writer) talents. Was she forced to write this episode?

However as usual I love your description of the episode so might have to nick some of your "bits" for my review!

Steve said...

Feel free to help youself to my bits, Simon... er, let me rephrase that...

I have to say that upon reflection, as much as the episode kept me entertained it didn't really excite me or impinge itself upon me for any decent length of time. It's like they're just not trying hard enough. They're on auto-pilot. It's all a bit lazy.