Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Gathers No Moss

Oh what an interesting morning I’ve had at work today.

There can be few jobs in the world where, as soon as you arrive, you’re greeted at the door by goggle-eyed colleagues all lasciviously recounting tales of the Phantom Public Pee-er striking yet again with his cleverly concealed urine spreader. Precious few.

So I feel like I’ve really lucked out in the lottery of life by finding myself landed with one.

Still, it’s better than shining Prince Harry’s boots on the streets of Baghdad I suppose or being one of Mohamed al-Fayed’s designated drivers.

Anyway, Captain Urine has struck yet again. Shock horror. Well, not so much “struck” as splashed and shook it about quite a bit. When approached by a member of staff he responded with logic so impeccable that I’d take my hat off to him if I was wearing one.

He needed a slash; the toilets were closed, so he relieved himself up the door.

Brave words. Fighting talk even. Into the valley of death, etc, etc.

But it will avail him not. The iron wheels of Local Authority bureaucracy are even now squeakily turning against him (powered by a one-armed monkey and a two-legged donkey)...

The police have been informed. Biometrics have been gathered. DNA has been swabbed. Keyboards have been keyed.

Due process has begun. The words “ban” and “ASBO” are being bandied about followed by “boot camp”, “public birching” and “Guantanamo Bay”. I can hear them knocking up a gallows beyond my office window even as I type. There will be no mercy.

So let this be a lesson to you all.

Don’t pee down my neck and tell me that it’s a gas gas gas...

10 comments:

-eve- said...

Wow. Hahahaha. At least you caught the culprit! (although really, you might tell him to do it in a potted plant or something...)

Steve said...

Eve, as a keen nature lover I couldn't live with myself if I told him to do such a thing... too much ammonia isn't good for potted plants!

Maybe he could just bring his own potty instead?   ;-)

-eve- said...

*chuckles* Yes, that's another idea, Steve! :-)

The Poet Laura-eate said...

What a shame you couldn't have an electrified mat at the ready for just such an eventuality! A car swung into our garage at work about a year ago and a man got out to relieve himself in a corner of the garage. His car numberplate was captured on CCTV and rather shockingly it subsequently turned out he was an off-duty police officer! The bizarrest thing though was that there were perfectly good public toilets just round the corner which were open!

EmmaK said...

I wonder how you catch a pissing criminal? Personally I would draw a target on the back of the bog, he would not be able to resist trying to hit the bulls eye. And he'd keep coming back to practice. Then all you have to do is cuff him. Zip him up first of course.

Steve said...

Laura, I can believe it. This guy is a regular customer of the Library so they had all his details on record. Apparently he's a GP! Hope he washes his hands before examining his patients...!

Emma, the police were very interested in the state of his zipped-up-ness wondering whether they could prosecute him for disorderly behaviour or sexual misconduct. They asked me several time whether his gennies were out on show. An unhealthy obsession if you ask me...

The Sagittarian said...

good grief, and George Bush thinks he has problems!!

Steve said...

Amanda, that puts things into persepctive for me. My guy only urinated up a door, George W Bush has urinated over his entire country...

Reluctant Blogger said...

haha you know, I remember once doing something naughty in a library. Not sure I should tell you really. But when I was a student I was desperate to finish a piece of work and I was in the Uni Lib all day, working and drinking coffee. There was about an hour till Library closed and I just had to work through a few more sources so I could finish the piece in my room later. I was desperate for a pee but had no time to go downstairs to the loo. It was quiet, there was an empty coffee cup . . . I just hope no one found it the next morning and thought it was apple juice!!
Oh dear - I am ashamed of myself, lucky there was no CCTV then eh?

Steve said...

Well, Gina, at least you made an effort to contain the problem (literally) rather than letting rip all over the floor / walls / Chief Librarian! I'm also impressed that you managed such a feat without being spotted... guess everyone else was too busy reading to notice!