Thursday, March 19, 2009

Please Sir, Kindly Take Receipt Of This $9 Million Dollars

MugabeAs some of you will know, whilst launching a new blogging project recently I had cause to publish an email address of mine online. Only a Yahoo webmail account but still one that I use frequently.

I didn’t think anything of it to tell you the truth. I doubt it was online for more than a day or two.

But by God have I been deluged with spam mail.

Nothing about Viagra or sex techniques to make my woman “cry like a baby with ecstasy as I keep going all night without stopping” – well, I could write a book about that myself, couldn’t I?

Just loads and load of emails from various gentlemen in Burkina Faso who, it seems, wish to enlist my aid in helping them out of a rather sticky financial quandary. They’ve obviously heard that I‘m a financial whizz and regularly move immense sums of money into and out of my bank accounts without rousing any kind of suspicion whatsoever.

Take Dr. Alim Hadi for example. The poor man is the trustee of a monetary estate worth $9 million. He’d like to release the money to me as it seems I am the next of kin to his client who died in a plane crash with all of his family in July 2000. The account has lain dormant since then with nobody coming to claim the money. Nobody at all. The money has just sat there all this time. Unmolested. Wow.

Apparently I am entitled to 40% of the above sum which he will happily see transferred into my account provided I supply him with all of the necessary banking details. Of course I must keep this all top secret. And delete the email if I am not interested. Confidentiality is very important. As a high roller like myself fully understands.

Yeah right.

I think what insults me the most (though of course none of this is particularly personal) is the assumption that I’d be stupid enough to fall for it. I mean please. Next of kin to a previously unknown African branch of the family?

Mind you my granddad did spend time in Durban during the war so it’s quite possible he got up to some naughties with an African beauty of big bosomed persuasion whilst on shore leave...

Hmm. Whatever.

The thing is Dr. Hadi, you’re not even trying. Your attempts to screw me are clich├ęd and formulaic. At least be a little more inventive. A little more theatrical.

I want to see photographs of the crash site. I want to see mortuary pictures of my long lost relative laid out on the slab (something for the family album). I want a lock of hair or a fingernail – hell, the whole finger if possible (who’s going to notice its absence?) – something I can get DNA tested. And I want paperwork. A letter from my great granny perhaps talking wistfully of her elicit liaison with the late denizen of Ouagadougou and exhorting him to one day get in touch with the UK branch of his family should he ever fall onto hard times but especially should he fall onto good.

And most of all I want a huge, obsessively detailed family tree laid out on parchment and an episode of “Who Do You Think You Are?” reserved for my very public reconciliation with my long lost African brothers – something in the style of Roots would be fine.

Give me all that and you can have my sodding bank account details with absolute pleasure. And, if I really must, I suppose I’ll accept my 40% cut of the $9 million. After all it’s what my cousin, Kunte Kinte, would have wanted.

*Sigh* Global families. Don’t you just love ‘em?

P.S. Can I just say that I am not available for babysitting?


20 comments:

Brother Tobias said...

I suppose there must be a few lacking or misguided souls out there who fall for these scams. Or why bother trying them? I wonder if there isn't a scam behind the scam...that 'Dr Hadi' has paid good money to someone who's promised them details of a surefire money-making scheme.

Steve said...

It's quite possible Brother T, but I rather suspect that the good Dr Hadi doesn't exist as I received yet another email this morning - the same wording but originating from another good Dr. I was quite tempted to email back with the details they asked for - name, address and telephone number - under the alias Mickey Mouse and give them the contact details of the local police station... but then thought better of it. I don't want to be responsible for the Warwickshire Constabulary being conned out of thousands of pounds...

The Poet Laura-eate said...

There was a website of correspondences where various people had replied and wound up the scammers by saying they'd give them the money but then inventing ludicrous excuses why they couldn't. It was hilarious as the scammers were taken in. Now if only I could remember what it was called.

Steve said...

Laura, how fabulous - I've been very tempted to write back with spurious information but have held off until now as I didn't want to encourage even more spam... however the rate seems to be pretty constant no matter what I do. If you can think of the site's name... I'd love to hear it!

Deirdre said...

Oh Steve I'm so sorry!! I feel responsible! You are a good natured chap to be so calm about something that is so awful...

Steve said...

Deirdre, please don't feel at all responsible! Honestly, I left the email address affected on about 15 different blogs so the fault was entirely mine - and I also knew what the risks were! Don't blame yourself! ;-)

French Fancy said...

one of the nearby schools is twinned with one in Burkina Faso. I'm not able to pull any strings however - to stop you being deluged with pam (or even Spam)

Steve said...

One of my ex girlfriends was a "Pam" and believe me I don't want to be deluged in Pam again! I think I'd prefer to keep the spam if that's ok!

Reluctant Blogger said...

It does always amaze me that these emails keep coming ie that some people must fall for them. Even my children see straight through such nonsense and one of those is only seven!

It only occurred to me when I read this that all the penis enhancement emails I used to get have dried up. How odd. I wonder why that is?

Steve said...

Gina, I will forebear about making gags about penis enhancements drying up... but you're right. At one time you couldn't move for emails about sex drugs ('n' rock 'n' roll) and devices to improve one's girth... and now... nothing at all. I guess they've either all worked and every man is now hung like a donkey or men everywhere have made an evolutionary leap of intelligence and realized that every single one of them was a con? It could be a win-win situation!

The Sagittarian said...

I don't need those emails anymore , not since I won a European lottery without the hassle of even having bought a ticket. This is something I have managed to do about 4 times at least in the past week. How lucky can a gal get!

Steve said...

By sheer coincidence Amanda I received an email yesterday notifying me that I'd won the lottery here. Amazing because like you I hadn't even bothered to buy a ticket. Most generous! All they want in return in my complete identity. Bargain! ;-)

missbehaving said...

I am so relieved to read that everyone's penis is now up to scratch. that's a load off I can tell you.
I've had these ones in the past, but now I get the ones about the sick child, please pay for my baby's operation.
The worst thing is the odd one is probably legit.

Steve said...

I think that's what makes it worse, MB, there's no way to filter out the genuine from the fake. My rule of thumb is: if I want to donate online or indeed anywhere, I'll do the research myself and go out and find an appropriate cause. I don't respond well to cold callers of any kind.

justme said...

Yes I get those e mails a couple of times a week, at my work address......honestly, does ANYONE fall for them? Really??

Steve said...

I guess if even only one person out of a thousand falls for it, it makes it worth while for the scammers... or else why do it? They seem to be pretty persistent too.

Suburbia said...

So disappointed you're babysitting services are not for hire!!

Steve said...

Surburbia: make me an offer. I may reconsider. ;-)

Matthew Rudd said...

I think this is the funniest thing you've ever written.

Steve said...

Matthew, glad to have hit your funny bone!