Monday, March 30, 2009

Tilling The Good Green Earth

Charlie Dimmock displaying her impressively freckled breasts - phwoar! I'd give her a good root and no mistake! Plant my seed deep inside her moist, hot furrow...!This post is in praise of my gorgeous wifey, Karen, who for the past few weeks has worked her little green wellies off enforcing some kind of ideal middle class order upon the bramble infested jungle that once was our expansive garden.

The thorn bushes at the back of the garden have been brutally slashed and uprooted – uncovering various grotesqueries from within their thorny bowels: dead cats, the skulls of Cro-Magnon man, broken pot shards and ale bottles and a castle straight out of the Brothers Grimm replete with dainty maiden throwing down mile upon mile of golden flowing hair. All this detritus has gone into our green wheelie bin to be recycled whenever the local authority deigns to perform their fortnightly pick-up.

Actually, apart from the shards and the ale bottles all the rest was true rubbish, i.e. a complete fiction.

My wife has balanced this secateur driven frenzy with some choice acts of cultivation.

We now have a magnolia tree.

We now have a herb wheel (with an ‘h’ officer).

We now have a vegetable patch (red onions, potatoes, garlic and chillies being some of the produce that will shortly be available for consumption).

And I believe plum trees are also on their way.

It has been a sterling effort completed (gratefully) without the assistance of either Alan Titchmarsh or Charlie Dimmock. Indeed, in deference to the neighbours and clear notions of public decorum, all Dimmocks have been kept properly covered up.

After all, cultivation and titivation should never be mixed – unless, of course, the beds involved are not herbaceous...

18 comments:

The Sagittarian said...

Great work! I am known within the family as the Edward Scissorhands of the Garden....I personally think I have a more Viking approach - slash and burn is so must faster (and on some days more therapeutic). I hope you all enjoy long summer evenings in your haven!

Suburbia said...

Hee hee!! You're not 'into' gardening yourself then?!

Steve said...

Amanda: slash and burn is good. As are horned helmets and pillaging. And crying out to Odin. I shall be doing all of these from within my green garden haven this summer.

Suburbia: I'm into the theory and the ideal of it. Less into the practise though I do cut a mean lawn and trim a mean hedge. Mostly I'm into the hoovering and the washing... the less glamorous but always necessary pursuits.

Brother Tobias said...

She's done a great job by the sound of it. Especially the herbs (for an oddity, I recommend camphor. Very hardy and smells just like vic). It'll be a pleasure looking out at it in the rain this summer.

Steve said...

I'll pass on your recommendation, Brother T. The garden is already looking marvellous and, most important of all, cared for. It makes a huge difference and oddly has spurred our neighbours on to some (previously unheard of) gardening activity too.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

ooh don't. The lawns have seen the lawnmower for the first time this year and that's about it.

If only I could look as cool as Mrs Bloggertropolis GTi and waxed so lyrically over while getting down and dirty in the garden, I'm sure I would be inspired to follow suit.

However there is a rather cute black and white kitten who has taken to visiting lately to have his tummy tickled.

Notwithstanding I should deffo plant some veggies and things just in case I never have a job again!

KAZ said...

Waht an absolutely wonderful woman.
What next?
Is she going to present an afternoon chat show and play an eclectic (?) music selection on Radio 2.

Steve said...

Laura: we too are planting the veg for econmoic reasons rather than as a drive towards healthier eating, though of course, this is a nice by-product. I must admit, a ticklish kitten would tempt me away from any garden be it Kew or Charlie Dimmock's...

Kaz: I think she's going to co-present Loose Women, do a gardening slot on The One Show and star in the next edition of Strictly Come Dancing. That and assist Madonna with her current child adoption application. It's a wonder she has any time left to look after me.

French Fancy said...

Go Karen - (please come over and do ours)

French Fancy said...

p.s. I wish we could do a herb wheel but I haven't got a spare bit of ground for one. What happens is that the Rosemary has just gone wild and smothered all the other herbs and I'm too soft to hard prune it.

Steve said...

FF: Karen very wisely bought a huge clay pot for the purpose (herb wheel) and keeps it regularly pruned and cultivated. Almost daily in fact. It wouldn't dare get out of control.

missbehaving said...

What a fabulous wife you have.
Doesn't anyone say "Percy Thrower' anymore? Am I stuck in a timewarp?

Sweet Cheeks said...

I love a garden! Nothing is more enjoyable than growing good food and cooking it up just right!

Happy Day to you Wonderful Steve!

:)

Steve said...

MissB: Percy Thrower - now there's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Brings back memories of Blue Peter and Sarah Greene and that Simon bloke who used to work on a farm before he got into presenting. Anybody know who I'm talking about?

Sweet Cheeks: many thanks - and the same to you too!

Reluctant Blogger said...

Ooooh good for Karen. I have phases of gardening but they never last long. I tend to pull up all the plants and leave the weeds.

But I do do veggies - love new potatoes and always have loads of tomatoes.

But will be too late to do all that this year I guess. Let's hope the tenants have mowed the lawn or it'll be a jungle when I get back.

Steve said...

Gina: fresh home grown veg was always a feature of my childhood as my granddad kept a vegetable patch for many year and I have fond memories of his broad beans. We've planted some of those ourselves now and I'm already looking forward to the first crop. Fingers crossed that your tenants are green fingered and garden minded...!

justme said...

please PLEASE bring Karen to come and do her magic in my wilderness-that-once-was-garden!! I just cannot be bothered this year. I need a garden fairy!

Steve said...

Justme: the garden fairy she'll do it for £10 an hour! Bargain is you ask me! ;-)