Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Love Hearts And Shotguns

A residue from St. Valentine’s Day, I have a red helium filled love heart balloon floating above the desk opposite me at work this morning. It is freaking me out. The damned thing won’t stay still. The slightest breeze or tremor communicated through the worn carpet tiles sends its swollen curves spinning and bobbing across my field of vision.

It is a heart bursting with alien life. It has been sent here to observe.

I can see the entire office behind me reflected and distorted in its metallic red surface. It’s like seeing your own reflection in a spoon. It’s taking everything in. Every movement. Every computer monitor transaction. Every illegal visit to Amazon.com during work time. There’s something malevolent about it. It is a heart that audits.

Every time I look up it is turning slowly to face me. I’m sure it is going to pull a gun on me when I least expect it. Fire off a couple of rounds. Go for my heart. Or worse. Play with me. Ask me how many shots I think it has fired. Am I feeling lucky? Well? Am I?

Sometimes it disappears. Drops literally below my radar. And then up it bobs again. Looking like the Imperial Spy Droid from The Empire Strikes Back. Only red and shiny. Freshly dipped in Bothan blood. I need Han Solo to take it out. To hit it harder than he thought.

The ruddy thing is out to get me. Persistent. Indefatigable. It won’t take no for an answer.

But it’s not going to get me.

It can’t.

You see, I am just so not in love with my job...


19 comments:

Selina Kingston said...

Can't you just suck all the air out of it when no one is looking and then spend the rest of the afternoon speaking in a funny helium-fuelled voice !!!

Steve said...

Selina: alas, nobody would be able to tell the difference.

The Dotterel said...

How about a drawing pin? Offices are usually full of the things. Or couldn't you suddenly develop a fetish for fresh air and open all the windows?

French Fancy said...

Get a drawing pin or map tack and, when everyone is out of the office, saunter over to have a closer look, get out your weapon of choice and make a little hole.

Steve said...

The Dotterel, FF: ah, the ubiquitous drawing pin. You're quite right, of course. I'm toying with the idea of making a catapult out of an elastic band from the stationery cupboard... I used to be a dead-shot when I was a boy...

KAZ said...

G'won - admit it.
You're just jealous because it's not on your desk.

Gypsy said...

You've got to take it out Steve before it's too late....LOL. It sounds even more dangerous because it's actually disguised as LOVE. Be afraid...be VERY AFRAID.

Heather said...

I think the drawing pin sounds like the best solution. I feel quite creeped out by the thing form all the way over here.

Steve said...

Kaz: whenever I am around, love is always at my desk. (yeah right...)

Heather: I suspect its reach is frighteningly long...

Steve said...

Gypsy: ah, many of the world's ills come disguised as love... apart from love itself actually which often comes disguised as something else!

The Sagittarian said...

I think you should just get out the Twink and draw on some eyes and a mean leering mouth...just cos you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!

femminismo said...

Hmmm ... love disguised as something else. I like that. Aren't the things that keep catching your eye annoying? You know they're there, yet instinctively you look their way and again it registers in your brain ... it's not chocolate. It's a tea bag wrapper someone left on the table.

Steve said...

Amanda: yeah, defacement... I like that. I may even put a beard on it so it looks like me. That would freak everyone else out.

Femminismo: teabag disguised as chocolate? Oh that's the ultimate betrayal!

Suburbia said...

Pins are good!

Steve said...

Suburbia: pins are good but a bowie knife is better.

A Write Blog said...

It's Big Brother really.

Does it move of its own accord?

Does it follow you?

I bet it's secretly recording everything.

Steve said...

AWB: Big Brother? The moment it asks me to sit in the Diary Room I'm gonna shoot it.

The Crow said...

I would have to cut its string and let it fly out an open window...or at least over to someone else's desk.

Steve said...

The Crow: I must admit I find a loosed helium balloon mesmeric to watch. Every now and then you can spot one floating up over the town. I always strain my ears to try and locate the screaming child somewhere far beneath it.