Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Am I An Old Perv? No, Don’t Answer That

Dani HarmerSo it’s Saturday and I’ve been sucked into kid’s telly and I’m watching Dani’s House with my boys and I’m marvelling at how the girl that used to play Tracey Beaker has (seemingly overnight) blossomed into a hot young chicklet and the TV gets turned over because other household members (how dare they usurp my ownership of the remote control) have decided that 3 back-to-back episodes of Dani’s House is 2 episodes too many (hey not my fault if the BBC resorts to lazy scheduling at the weekends).

“Hey, I was watching that!” I cry.

“I’m sure you were, you old perv!” Comes the reply.

What? Old perv? Me?

I’m about to spew out the kind of retort that would have had Oscar Wilde creaming his fustian trousers when I stop short.

Am I an old pervert? Is the accusation well based?

Because suddenly I’m aware of a whole body of evidence stacked up against me, most of it (it has to be said) penned by my own hand. This here blog.

Post after post extolling the virtues of various TV stars. Katie McGrath, Alice Roberts, Lucy Griffiths, Cheryl Ladd, Emma Watson, Julia Sawalha... the list goes on and on.

The trouble is, right from a young age, I had an eye for eye candy. At 9 years of age I was heartily in love with Charlie’s Angels. All of them though Cheryl Ladd was definitely my queen bitch.

And this penchant for giving the glad eye to TV babes continued through my teen years and my lonely twenties. But it was fine back then. Acceptable. It’s what lonely guys who can’t get a girlfriend do. Er, so I’ve been told.

And then I hit my thirties and, gulp, despite getting myself all-girled-up I’m still casting a roving fantasy eye over the TV and the cinema. But hey. That’s us men for you. And, by Jove, you women too ‘cos I know from reading around the blogosphere that you lassies are also prone to a bit of butch visual confectionary.

It’s normal. And I’m at pains to point this out because it is my only defence.

But now I’ve just tiptoed into my 40s. And suddenly the balance has shifted. It’s starting to feel uncomfortable. Back when I was younger fancying a young bit of stuff on the telly was acceptable. Hell, Juliet was only a teenager and Romeo (so I’m led to believe) only in his twenties. And when I hit my thirties, well, if old goats and young lambs were acceptable to Jane Austen why should it bother me?

But now I’m in my 40’s and my 50’s are beckoning from the other side of the hill the fantasy element is beginning to become untenable. It’s beginning to verge on socially unacceptable.

And yet TV and the media are geared up to sell us sexy young things. We’re hit with it every day. It’s hard to resist.

I mean take Hermione from Harry Potter. Even Jimmy Carr makes gags about when it became acceptable to admit that you fancied her.

So. My question is: does acknowledging the beauty of much younger women make me an old perv? Should I perhaps be retraining myself to tune into eye candy of a different, much more mature sort? Should I be composing paeans to Thora Hird, Anne Widdicombe and Gillian McKeith? If I start mooning over them will that make me less of a pervert?

Or one that is far less easily understood?

Answers on the back of a lad’s mag to the usual address please...



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54 comments:

Dan said...

I must admit that I find all the "hey hey she's turning 16!!" comments from the tabloids a little disturbing. Especially seeing how rabid they get over pedophilia.

Steve said...

Dan: double standards? In the media? Perish the thought!

Alienne said...

I think you might have answered your own question there. When I was so much younger than today it always struck me as odd that men who (I thought) were really really old fancied 16 years olds and, more to the point, ACTUALLY THOUGHT THEY WERE IN WITH A CHANCE!! When I and my friends were that young we thought anyone over 20 was totally past it; and from listening to my daughters and their friends talking, it seems pretty clear that most girls still feel the same. While clearly odd exceptions get through, they are pretty exceptional, like George Clooney. So, most men are totally deluded and have no idea that teenaged girls** are laughing at them as they drool. **(actually we all do- there was such a sad old 60 something letch in our office a few years ago all of we women used to kill ourselves laughing at him as he dribbled his way round from one 20 year old to another, while pitying his poor wife).

Men and women are clearly wired up differently. Personally, I cannot imagine fancying a teenage boy; yeeeuch! I prefer something more mature, with some experience and hairs on his chest. Maybe it's part of the peter pan thing and men just need to try growing up. Thora Hird is going a bit far, gerontophilia is equally weird, like that sketch in Little Britain. There are plenty of lovely women between 28 and 60 you could try fixating on.

And, as you may have guessed, I am 'working from home'. Yesss!

Kelloggsville said...

hmmm difficult one. I think an admiring eye is slightly different to jaw agog with that unsightly bit of dribble extending

Steve said...

Alienne: gerontophilia? Sounds like a character from Harry Potter... is she the one wearing the miniskirt and boots? :-) And as for working from home... sorry. That was a low blow and then some. Harrumph.

Kelloggsville: so if I keep my chin nicely wiped will that make it all OK?

libby said...

Admiring eye is one thing.....being fixated and leering another....having a daughter also makes you see things differently....after a certain age all men should just forget about sex!

Clippy Mat said...

Of course you're not an old perv Steve.
Happy now?
You old perv.
;-)

Steve said...

Libby: "after a certain age all men should just forget about sex!" - ooh, Libby, Libby, Libby. That is a whole other argument and a big can of worms and encroaches on so many personal freedoms (plus there would be millions of wives who would also protest)...

Clippy Mat: see, that's the answer I wanted. Sort of.

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

You're not an old perv, you're a middle-aged perv which somehow sounds rather lame and therefore not salacious at all.

NIAMH'S FAMILY NIGHT said...

As for fancying poor Thora who has expired her use by date,just thinking about that one is wrong.
But if you started to fancy Gillian Mckeith THEN I would start to think you had a problem.......a serious problem as she has had one good poo too many!
As for fancying, that is totally different to doing something about your desires.Only VERY RICH men usually get the chance.

Steve said...

Trish: middle-aged perv. You're right. It does soften it somehow. Plus, of course, I only look like I'm in my late twenties (I have genuinely been told this) so technically I'm not even middle-aged.

Steve said...

NIAMH'S FAMILY NIGHT: I like you and I like your logic. A lot. In a totally non-pervy sense I hasten to add. And I was joking about Thora Hird. A pulse is a must. Though it would save me a fortune on Rohipnol I suppose...

(Joke.)

Steve said...

NIAMH'S FAMILY NIGHT: sorry Ally, didn't realise it was you - initally your pic didn't display!

Mark said...

Funnily enough I was just talking about your blog to someone the other day. Great writing, I said, but he is a bit of an old perv...

No, seriously, I didn't.

But then you did say you fancied Nigella and I reckon that's pretty weird if not exactly pervy.

Nana Go-Go said...

On the other hand, my sister was asking whether the new `Harry Potter` is the one in which he finally gets laid...so I suppose it cuts both ways!

Steve said...

Mark: so you were joking about the "great writing" bit I take it? As for Nigella... even my wife gets why I fancy Nigella. But then she and Nigella are very similar in look so she probably feels I am allowed that one.

Nana Go-Go: Harry Potter having sex? Now that really is pervy! Hmm. But then again Ginny Weasley is kind of tasty. Ooh. Did I just type that out loud? Sorry. *cough* *cough*

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Full marks for self-honesty I guess Steve, but I must say I prefer my men to have a bit of depth as well as attractiveness.

A vision of 100% male butchness would have this female heading for the hills. In addition I would worry about a man who can't appreciate beauty (inner and outer) in all ages of female and not just the most obvious. Plus you want to be able to have a decent conversation with a guy as well!

Not that I am accusing you of such shallowness obviously since Mrs Bloggertropolis is presumably out of her 20s now, and possibly even 30s.

But I think we all need to make an effort to appreciate each other and for a rainbow of various qualities.

As John Mortimer said (and he should have known) 'Lookism is more endemic in our society than racism.'

However like you say, the media are forever thrusting nubile young beauties into our faces, so what's a chap to do?

Look away before you're locked away, eh? ; -)

joebloggs said...

I am outraged that a man of your age should even look at these delicate young women in such a way, they are at an age where they feel so self concious and having you leer and letch over them in this manner does nothing to show them that they have a purposeful and worthwhile place in our society. Its men like you that give us all a bad name, how can I walk down the street and smile a greeting to a pretty young lady without her thinking that I am undressing her with my mind and imagining her oiled up spinning around a pole. OUTRAGEOUS SIR !!
Disgusted of Letchworth(ha see what I did there)
P. Stringfellow.

Steve said...

Laura: my honesty has got me into more trouble far more often than my lies and that's a fact. John Mortimer is, however, a man truly on the ball and I quite agree and I must say in my defence, that while my fantasies are often influenced by lookism my real life relationships are based on something far more solid, real and sustainable - the other person's tacit acceptance of my genius.


P. Stringfellow: surely that should have been Disgusting of Letchworth? ;-)

the fly in the web said...

Well, if you can't drool in front of the television in your own home...what is perving coming to!

Steve said...

The fly in the web: good point. It's my house, my sofa and my telelvision and I shall jolly well dribble all I like!

EmmaK said...

I'd be more worried if you said you fancied Vera Duckworth. Enjoy yourself eying the eye candy you old perv!

autumnraven said...

I think if you wear a smoking jacket and walk around with a pipe in your mouth then it's fine...or maybe it's just because Hugh Hefner is really rich.

A more thought out answer....there is nothing wrong with admiring. You're human and they are pretty. Since I kind of lean both ways I get it. Of course there is a line, but really how can you be expected to stop looking just because of some silly thing like age.

Steve said...

Emma: thanks, chuck, I knew I could rely on you! ;-)

autumnraven: I like your thinking. Why should age stop you looking indeed? I mean I'm only 41 not 91. When I reach my century and need binoculars to see my own hands then age will stop me looking at eye candy!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Of course you're not a pervert - drooling at tasty young fillies is what keeps men of your age alive and healthy. The next time anyone complains, just put on your goat-hair jacket and goat-hair trousers, move in close to the TV, and ogle the nymphets while sucking the juice from a grapefruit.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: see. That's what I'm talking about. Undeniable justification. It's a health thing. It's medicinal. It keeps me alive. My enjoyment is a mere by-product. Pass me another grapefruit... I'm feeling a mite weary today...

Nota Bene said...

Which channel?

Steve said...

Nota Bene: CBBC. The presenter Cerrie Burnell is pretty hot too. But keep it between you and me. I'm trying to downplay this whole "pervert" thing.

joebloggs said...

Got to say old boy "pot / Kettle".
Jen From "Milkshake" now there's a girl that can bring in the dads, especially when she does the milkshake shake..yowza hubba hubba.
Or what about Katie from "I can cook" she's doing panto at our local theatre could put in a word if you like, or is she a bit old ;)
P. Stringyfellow

Val said...

Nope. You're not an old perv. You're just a young perv who's got old.*
;)

*Though technically speaking, as I'm older than you, you're still young.

Thora Hird, Anne Widdicombe and Gillian McKeith? Just a minute while I spit three times and hope the evil eye bogs off.

Steve said...

Joe: Katie from I Can Cook is a winner in my book - a good word or three would be much appreciated. I just love her baps especially when they're coated in a generous dollop of icing...

Val: "You're just a young perv who's got old" - I'm sure if I stare at that sentence long enough I'll find a compliment in there somewhere...

Val said...

The compliment is in the sentence below it.

Steve said...

Val: consider yourself redeemed. Thank you. I quite like you (for an old 'un). ;-)

Val said...

Steve. I quite like you too (for a young 'un)!
*grins*

Steve said...

Val: the big question now is - does that make you a pervert? ;-)

Rol said...

Yes.

And I didn't even need to read beyond the title of your post - thanks for saving me the job!

Steve said...

Rol: I assume your next post will be entitled "Am I A Smart Arse? No, Don't Answer That".

Val said...

Almost certainly, but I won't tell anyone if you don't...

Steve said...

Val: hell, it's nice to know someone else who's on the pervert's register. Now I don't feel so alone.

Livi said...

Oh poppy cock! I perv on men your age all the time and I'm 22!

Being Me said...

You ponder this sort of thing quite a bit here, Steve. Are YOU comfortable with it? ;) I'd affectionately call you an appreciator of fine things. Or an old perv. Whichever.

femminismo said...

You are only a middle aged perv. Dani looks cute to me, but you'd better expose yourself to a bit of soccer, also. Rugby? After watching "Invictus," I've been made aware of what an odd game it is. Cheer up! As long as the perversion takes place only in your living room on the telly ... you're good.

Löst Jimmy said...

Dani Harmer eh? I've just looked her up so to speak, very nice lady and it's down to you I am trawling the internet for such vices at 7.30am before braving wind and snow...you evil pervert

Steve said...

Livi: girls like you aren't even supposed to exist! You're figments of middle aged men's imaginations!

Being Me: I like the former definition. I may keep that. Or make a badge or a T-shirt. Something that goes with my reflective sunglasses (worn so no-one can see where my eyes are roving).

Femminismo: Soccer? Rugby? Just what kind of a pervert do you think I am?!

Löst Jimmy: see. Natural male response. Thank you. You are my benchmark. I knew I was normal. As normal as you anyway. ;-)

Selina Kingston said...

I get quite peeved when I hear my husband and son discussing the merits of various females, especially when they are young like the aforementioned Emma Watson! I've just been watching Pamela Stephenson on Breakfast. She's 61 and looks pretty good. Now that's acceptable !!!

Steve said...

Selina: so only woman over 60 are allowed to be admired? I do hope you women will follow suit and will abandon the worship of men like David Beckham and Brad Pitt in favour of Bruce Forsythe and Bill Oddie.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

I have to admit, I was shocked by what a looker Hermione was too. I hadn't seen her since the first HP and I was checking her out as well. Does that make me an old lesbian perv? Maybe.

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: I'd like to be an old lesbian perv. Does that make me weird as well as an old perv?

Anonymous said...

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Steve said...

Anonymous: ain't they just...

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Steve said...

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Steve said...

Anonymous: what? Anecdotes of older men perving at younger women? Geez. And I thought I was sick.