Wednesday, December 29, 2010

New Year Non Resolutions

It is traditional at this time of year to come out with a list of resolutions. And over the last couple of days, surveying the blogging landscape from the crystal blue carapace of my blog-mobile, I have discovered some admirable lists. Lists of authentic resolutions from those bloggers not yet bowed down with cynicism that aspire to make the world a better place. Lists of tongue-in-cheek resolutions from those bloggers who know from bitter experience that even the easiest resolution will fall by the wayside by mid January. And then there are the cheating resolutions - or the "realistic" resolutions - lists of activities that you're going to do anyway, i.e. eat more chocolate, get to work late, skive longer lunch breaks, look at more internet porn sites.

Yeah, yeah, I've read them all.

And they're good.

But I want to do something different.

I want to compile a list of non resolutions. Things that I am definitely NOT going to do this year.

so... for your delectation then:

1) I am not going to try and forge world peace this year. It is pointless. Our politicians are too stupid and like the smell of their own duodenums too much to ever remove their heads from their butt-cracks to actually listen. Also, as a species, we are too given to rash acts of hatred and violence. World peace ain't never gonna happen, folks, until we evolve as a species. Or until aliens appear. 'Cos I guarantee nothing will unite human beings more regardless of skin colour than some bug-eyed, grey lipped, three-legged tripod from Mars stomping all over the car park at Lidl.

2) I am not going to win the Lottery. I know I'm not. It's pointless playing. But I am not going to stop. Because I am too weak, everybody else at work plays it and I don't want to be the only one stuck in the office one Monday morning because those other bastards have scooped the big one and are airing their fluffy bikini lines on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean.

3) I am not going to take up more exercise or eat healthier. I already eat pretty healthy and if my chocolate intake is perhaps a little too high for some collagen lipped quack in Heat magazine, tough titty. I don't do drugs, I don't do gambling, I don't do football. I'm entitled to a vice and as vices go chocolate is pretty damned mild.

4) I am not going to get myself out of debt. I'm just not. Until Tom starts school Karen and I are accepting of the fact that money is going to be tight if not non-existent. The best I can do is try to manage my credit cards wisely so that they keep me afloat as opposed to burying me. Is credit bad? Is credit evil? Yes. Bet your ass. But it's necessary. My deal with the devil is personal - stay out of it.

5) I am not going to stop writing. Not this blog and not my novel. I don't care how many knock-backs I get, how many rejections, I'm going to keep going. On and on. Like an eighties washing machine. There ain't no stopping. I'm here for the long haul. If any of you readers want to bail out, now's the time. See ya. Been nice and all that. Do send me a postcard from Lack-of-imagination-land. I shall stick it on my fridge and laugh when I hit the big time.

6) I am not going to compile a traditional list of 10 items. That's how mad I am. I'm crazy. I'm zany. I'm whack. Live with it. Come and get me New Year. I'm here waiting. The boxing gloves are off. Queensbury rules are for wussies.

7) I am not going to not wish you all a Happy New Year. Happy New Year. There. Done it. Give me some skin, dudes. The only way is onwards.




Share

52 comments:

Heather said...

Did you just call us dudes? *shakes head at the shame of it* Tsk.

Steve said...

Heather: hey, get with the kids, dudess. It's where it's at. You dig?

P.S. Hey, it was just a slip of the keyboard. Give me a break, lady.

London City Mum said...

Delectation? I thought I was the only person who used that word.

Nice.

LCM x

Steve said...

LCM: nope, it's you and me, babe. Against the rest of the world who don't know what it means.

cartside said...

maybe I'm not going to post any new year resolutions.
Just as well resolutions are meant to be broken.

Steve said...

cartside: radical!

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

You'd think if they had won the lottery they'd have some cash spare to sort out the 'fluffy bikini line'.
Fancy some chocolate? I've got the crap ones left in the Quality Street tin.

Steve said...

Trish: there's no such thing as crap chocolate... hand 'em over!

Rol said...

I'm happy about number 5 anyway. Happy new year, Steve.

Steve said...

Rol: cheers, Rol, you're a gent.

the fly in the web said...

There was a small earthquake just as I was reading your post...could this be significant?

libby said...

Now now...don't be so negative with regard to winning the lottery...you have to BELIEVE....at least that is what I tell myself every week as I hand over my hard earned pound....and I can't wish you a HNY yet...it always feel wrong to me until the day itself (you did know I was a little odd did'nt you? thought so...)

Steve said...

The fly in the web: I had garden peas for lunch. Sometimes they repeat.

Libby: you're allowed to defer it for a day or two; your reasoning is sound.

dbs said...

Glad to hear #5. Very humourous.

Mark said...

I am not a dude. In fact one of my new year resolution is never to be dude.

But as an appropriately grumpy anti-list I can empathise.

And I just had two bloody bust pipes as well which has nothing to do with your post it's bugging me.

Cheers

Steve said...

dbs: thank you - much obliged!

Mark: feel free to vent here at will. I, of course, mean you and not your pipes.

Alienne said...

We have a load of crap Quality Street left too, so I'll send 'em on over to you.

I know what delectation means - that bloke on The Good Old Days used to say it, along with other long words like terpsichorean (and I know what that means too).

Steve said...

Alienne: well how delightful! I could almost dance with delight. Admittedly, I had to Google it. But don't get too cocky.

Fran said...

No 1. Eat more chocolate. No 2. Eat more chocolate. No 3. Eat more chocolate. Making resolutions is dead easy.

Steve said...

Fran: I'm sensing a theme here. But it's one that I like.

Being Me said...

Hey, I'll slip you some skin. Leg 'er down and smack 'em yack 'em while you at it.

I have no idea what I just said. I believe I may have made a proposition.

Happy New Year to you too!

Vicky said...

Happy next year "dude" LOL
We have a $31m lotto draw new years eve, not going to win but have I bought a ticket, you bet your sweet ...... LOL

Michelle Twin Mum said...

Have a happy new year Steve. Glad to hear you will keep blogging, you make me smile. Mich x

Owen said...

I resolve to not stop reading your blog, no matter how far gone you get, dude... Unless you start using words like terpsichorean on a regular basis. Isn't that some sort of venereal disease one catches from dirty dancing ???

Steve said...

Being Me: aren't you supposed to do that at midnight on New Year's Eve? ;-)

Vicky: best of luck! Send me a postcard if you win!

Michelle: thank you and back at you!

Owen: I have no idea, it just makes me itch uncontrollably. Give me a nice waltz any day.

Val said...

Aww! I want to do a list on non-resolutions now, and I already have posts in mind that I want to post to my blog. Not fair!

So here's my first two non-resolutions: I'm not going to stop whingeing about how other bloggers have better ideas than me about what to write in their posts, any time this year (or, to make things simpler forever, for any year to come, really!)

Oh and the second non-resolution: I'm not going to stop commenting in your blog and trying to encourage you to come over to look at mine!
;)

Steve said...

Val: both sound very reasonable non resolutions to me!

Suzanne said...

"tough titty" not heared that in a long time, love it "dude" :)

Steve said...

Suzanne: it's the phrase I use most often but still wish I could use it more.

EmmaK said...

ah bless you...you are a national treasure like Jamie Oliver. Sorry I just wanted to talk about J Oliver. Why is he famous? he is a twat, a pretentious herb throwing prat. Why has his book made 100,000pounds? I find that more perverse than why some people like dogging. Maybe you should make a resolution to write a cookbook? No I think we're onto something there. The Fuck Cholestrol Diet??

English Rider said...

Buying a lottery ticket is a pro-active approach, at least. Since realizing that even if I win a million dollars, it's not enough, I quit.
Happy New Year!

The Sagittarian said...

Are resolutions something that make you turn around a lot? I can do that, after a few wines I have noticed I get round shoes...
See you next year, for mroe fun and frivolity! xx

Steve said...

Emma: whoa, hold on there. Are you saying I'm like Jamie Oliver or I'm not Jamie Oliver? It better be the latter. I see myself more as a Gordon Ramsay myself...

English Rider: you're right; it's not enough but it would be a great start.

Amanda: I thought it was something the peasantry did to overthrow the toffs...

rummuser said...

I am not going to stop blogging.

Wylye Girl said...

Steve, it's been a few weeks since I've read your blog so I'm delighted to return to find it as shit-hot as ever. You rock man! Or should that be dude? I'm so pleased that I'm offering you the crap choccies from our tin of Roses as a change from Quality Street. I've launched my new blog today so hope I'll see you over there soon. (The blogger formerly knows as Madame Marmite)

Steve said...

Rummuser: I am very glad to hear it!

Wylye Girl: now, hearing you've come back to Blogging is great news indeed! On my way over right now!

Selina Kingston said...

No.4 has allowed me to breathe a sigh of relief as every year I vow to get out of our ridiculous debt situation and every year I fail and every year I get depressed about it. But this year, thanks to you, I refuse to even acknowledge it. It's there. If I get a windfall I'll deal with it, if not I'll just carry on paying it off in the knowledge that at least next year it will be a tiny fracion less .....hopefully !!
Thank you and Happy New Year. If I were at a party with you tonight, I would make a beeline for you at midnight. Sorry Karen, but I would !! xx

Steve said...

Selina, my dear, if I were at a party tonight I would have been body snatched by aliens or possessed by an otherworldly spirit as I don't do parties and I really really don't do New Year's Eve parties but if I did I'd be there waiting and puckering up. ;-)

Clippy Mat said...

Happy New Year and keep on blogging in 2011!
Best wishes from (this part of) Canada
;-)

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: thank you kindly - and wishing you and yours a very happy New Year too from this part of the UK!

Suburbia said...

Fab list

HNY to you too!

femminismo said...

Brilliant! Happy new year. 2011 should treat you good and if it doesn't let me know, OK? Be well and prosper.

Steve said...

Suburbia: likewise!

Femminismo: and wishing the very best for you too! Thank you!

brokenbiro said...

Not have 10 items on your list? aaaaaargh.... you can't not do 10 items... it's against the laws of man and blog and physics....and god...the sky is falling, the sky is falling!!

ahem *looks a bit embarrassed*
Happy New Year!

Steve said...

brokenbiro: that's me all over. A loose cannon. A renegrade. It wouldn't surprise me if I was wanted by the FBI.

missbehaving said...

A good list, maybe incomplete though, I think you could not learn a language and maybe not a musical instrument either.
I'm not going to stop liking Jamie Oliver.
Happy New year btw. ;)

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

I am not going to stop eating my weight in jarred cheese. Despite the fact that jarred cheese is disgusting and most probably not even food. Viva non-resolutions!!

Steve said...

Missbehaving: not learn a language and not learn a musical instrument? Good choices - but I did those last year. ;-)

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: jarred cheese? Is that cheese that has been suddenly shaken or had a whiplash injury?

Keith said...

Okay, careful, 'not' is a dangerous word. It takes up space on the shelf where 'am' should sit.

That sounded like bollocks, but you know what I mean.

Steve said...

Keith: sometimes wisdom is disguised as bollocks... if you know what I mean?!

Modern Military Mother said...

Happy New Year - I am not doing any of that either!! But we are going on the set of Merlin!!

Steve said...

MMM: and to you too! And you have told the Beeb that I'm there solely to help Morgana on and off with her robes, haven't you?