Wednesday, December 22, 2010

You Scumbag, You Maggot, You Cheap Lousy Faggot

I’ll admit I’ve bashed the UK postal service somewhat on this blog over the last couple of weeks or so. I’ve accused them – though in not so many words – of being wussies in the face of a bit of snow and ice.

Then I heard from a colleague that their recent no-show-in-the-snow on Saturday was due to the fact that 3 postmen had managed to break their legs in the icy conditions. I felt, I admit, a small twinge of guilt for my hard heartedness. This colleague went on to say that the rest of the post office work force had then been sent home by their managers and informed they would receive no pay for that day.

Outrageous! The last thing anybody wants is to be a day’s pay down right before Christmas. Surely there was sorting that could be done at the office? Rounds prepped ready for Monday? The PO management are clearly heartless penny-pinching maggots thought I.

And then to top it all, all but one of my missing parcels arrived yesterday. The PO had redeemed itself. I felt a feeling of peace and goodwill pass through me. All’s well that ends well. There had been an unwarranted delay but they’d delivered the goods in the end. We’ll say no more about it. I may even throw a frozen mince pie at our postie next time I see him.

But this morning they can kiss my arse. The mince pie is going back in the box.

I sent my parents a Christmas card through the post. A normal one. Bought from a shop. I posted it over 10 days ago with a first class stamp.

Not only has it only just arrived but the buggers reckoned there was insufficient postage on it. It needed another 10p. My parents had to battle through the snow in Rotherham to collect it. And then had to pay £1.10p to have it put into their possession. The extra £1 was a “handling fee”.

Excuse me?! Am I missing something here, Royal Mail? I paid for a 1st class delivery service that I didn’t get; you – as far as I can see – mishandled my card to the extent where next day delivery was transmuted into next week delivery; the card was possibly handled less than it normally would and merely languished in a warehouse somewhere while you warmed your fingerless mittens over a brazier. And then you charge my parents £1.10 for the privilege of being the recipients of your defective pathetically lax service?

Sod you, Royal Mail! You’re a bunch of money-grabbing overly officious cock-monkeys!

Merry Christmas my arse!



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41 comments:

The Dotterel said...

Sod 'em - send an e-card!

Steve said...

The Dotterel: you know what? That might be the way to go - e-Christmas cards, e-birthday card, e-funeral cards... whatever. I object to putting more money into Royal Mail's grasping Fagin hands!

Modern Military Mother said...

oh dear!! Well at least you have a blog outlet to get it off your chest. Just think of those poor sods who just have to bottle it all up. I have worked at the Post Office as a Christmas casual in my yoof - it's a strange beast. I can see both sides.

Steve said...

MMM: the only thing that should ever be bottled up is alcohol.

Tenon_Saw said...

Ever since they started measuring the thickness of letters there has been no reason to the postal prices. I may well blog on this myself...

Steve said...

Tenon_Saw: it's about time they started measuring the thickness of their managers and directors...

Gorilla Bananas said...

Better than a card would be sending your greetings and salutations in a video embedded in this blog. You could put on a Noddy hat and offer Christmas cheer to your parents and anyone worthy of the honour. It might make you famous if other blogs link it.

the fly in the web said...

Crone remembers...the good old days when the posties would spend the first four hours of their shift playing cards in order to get overtime for eventually dragging themselves out to do their rounds....

London City Mum said...

When I was a girl... yeah, okay, they had carrier pigeons.

Stop laughing in the back row.

LCM x

Heather said...

I do love you when you're in full flow rantyness! And yes, bunch of thieving cock-monkeys.

Mark said...

Go on - stamp on them.

And next year, send those tiny cards - except they will probably get lost because they are too small..

Clippy Mat said...

Bloody well put that mince pie back in the box. that's a disgrace.
Bah humbug.
;-)

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: where were you when I needed a marketing manager?

The fly in the web: these days they just play cards and charge the customer for it.

LCM: did you live next door to Dick Dastardly?

Heather: rantyness. I originally misread that as randiness. Sorry.

Mark: hmm... yes, cards small as postage stamps...!

Clippy Mat: I may well lace it with arsenic...

EmmaK said...

This UK postal crisis would appeal v much to the cheapskate in me - when my relatives would ask where's me present you could genuinely say 'I think it must have got lost in the post' .... god I am a cheap lousy faggot aren't i?

Rol said...

Was it a big card? There are strict size restrictions, you know. If it's bigger than a First Class stamp, a First Class stamp is probably not sufficient.

Steve said...

Emma: nice idea but the Royal Mail would still charge you - even for a non-existent never-actually-posted parcel. They would.

Rol: I bet it was the stamp that put it over the weight restriction in the first place...

Nana Go-Go said...

What`s a `cock-monkey`?

Nana Go-Go said...

Also, the price of stamps is going up soon....just sayin`!

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: the same thing as a cock jockey.

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: #2 - I know! 46p in April! They'll be demanding a phial of blood next!

Nana Go-Go said...

hahahaa! that was funnier than Top Gear last night! (must be the hysterics kickin` in!).

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: thank you for saying I'm funnier than Jeremy Clarkson...!

Vicky said...

Great post but now I have the bloody Pogues floating around in my head - Ah iPod, work, christmas = Pogues a bit louder than normal LOL

Owen said...

Best be careful though Steve, if you rag on them too much, they may start going postal !

("Going postal" for those who may not be familiar with the term, is a North American phenomenon, where a disgruntled postal worker, of which there are many, apparently, slips over the edge into lunacy, brings a gun to work, and starts shooting anything in sight.)

You wouldn't want that on your conscience now, would you ?

But then perhaps in the UK fewer postal workers have large gun collections and stockpiles of ammo at home... so less chance of going postal. But they may come looking for you to stamp you back into order...

Steve said...

Vicky: you can't beat a bit Pogues mayhem at Christmas!

Owen: you forget that these are postmen we are talking about here. Even given my address they would still be unable to deliver themselves to my front door without getting lost and ending up in the lost post department in Crewe.

rummuser said...

In India, conspiracy theorists suggest that the entire postal system gets paid periodic gratuities by the courier companies!

Steve said...

rummuser: are they paid to improve their service or slack off a bit?

Suburbia said...

Nothing like a good rant to make one feel festive!

;-)

Steve said...

Suburbia: it always works for me! ;-)

Being Me said...

Now 'ang on a minnit... YOUR postie didn't do it and he (assuming it's a he?) still deserves his mince pie. For all you know he hates the RM as much as you but needs his job ;P
That really is scummy, though, charging your parents like that. Bunch of scammers!

Steve said...

Being Me: you are a far nicer person than I am and I am sure my postie wishes you lived at my house or that he worked on the other side of the world...!

missbehaving said...

I don't see why your folks had to pay when technically the card wasn't even delivered.
Agree with Being Me tho, not the postie's fault probably, he's just on the frontline. Go on...give him a pie..

lunarossa said...

I send e-cards every year and I donate the money I save on stamps and cards to out local hospice. Sod the Royal Mail! Happy Xmas to you and your family! Buon Natale. Ciao. A.

Readily A Parent said...

Wouldn't it be a good lark to put a tracking device in your mail to see exactly how long it just sits somewhere? The only time the postal service anywhere is efficient is when they're cock-blasting you!

Steve said...

Missbehaving: I think of a nice big one made out of custard...

Lunarossa: I think I may very well do that next year - at least that way I can guarantee same day delivery; with the Royal Mail you're lucky if you get same year.

Readily A Parent: too right and I've had enough of being cock blasted and then asked to pay for the privilege. I wonder if I can buy a tracking device on Amazon? Or maybe an MI5 operative is selling one on eBay. Hmm. Only thing is I'd have to rely on the Royal Mail to deilver it to me...

rummuser said...

They can't slack off any further! It is to persuade them to stay that way that they get paid!

Steve said...

rummuser: they could do an overseas exchange with our boys except that I don't think anybody would notice any difference...!

brokenbiro said...

May I be the last to wish your arse a very merry Christmas!

I was a postie for one summer, but now I just 'forget' to send the cards like everyone else!

Steve said...

brokenbiro: my arse returns the festive greetings with gusto! Though actually that might be wind.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

I'm so impressed that you sent your cards that early. BTW, did you go ahead and send mine out as well? I sure hope so. I'm counting on you.

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: if you've left your address you-know-where a letter will be in the post to you right now...!