Friday, December 03, 2010

BloggiLeaks

In a Data Protection foul-up that can only be compared to an IT version of that fight you had outside the chip shop with your best mate when you were 17 I can now reveal some of the world’s most high profile secrets. Be aware that I am putting my life at risk by publishing these revelations but I feel that the truth should be known and my blogging stats should be the ones to benefit from the revelations. Just remember that for all I might make a few fast bucks selling advertising space on this blog as a consequence of the increased traffic I am the one who will have to wear a scarf over my face every time I want to buys a Mars bar from the local newsagent lest I be identified and summarily lynched.

1) Despite my sunny demeanour I secretly hate all of you and bad mouth the lot of you as soon as your backs are turned. Had someone trolling on your blog? That was me. Had someone bombard your comments box with spam selling cheap Viagra and Russian sex web sites? That was me too. Yeah, and I’m glad I did it ‘cos I know it really wound you up.

2) The above is just a cover story for the fact I love you all and secretly fantasize about sleeping with all of you – yes, you included, Rol. I have already composed a sexual shopping list individually tailored to each of you and designed to bring you all to the height of ecstatic abandon and I am going to publish it in your local newspapers next week. Oh. And email it to your mother / father / children / employer. With photos. And hair clippings.

3) All the world leaders see me as an agony uncle and regularly write to me for advice on how to deal with world matters and issues of national security. The current state of the world is all down to me. But before you start slagging me off just bear in mind that I have prevented a nuclear war from occurring on numerous occasions and single-handedly stopped a custard bomb from exploding in the heart of London last month. Yeah. You didn’t know that, did you? After encouraging Arab Leaders to get into Bugsy Malone the new weapons of choice are batter guns and custard bombs. I can also reveal that the Yanks are developing a full-fat mayonnaise grenade. Take my advice when travelling to America: arm yourself with a good salad.

4) The Yanks do not see our politicians as light weights and non-runners but rather hero worship them in an abandon that can only be described as orgiastic. In my role as diplomatic major domo I have frequently had to shoe-horn American politicians into and out of some choice English politico’s butt. It’s a dirty job but I get well paid for it. So yes. If you want to view it in those terms, I pimp out our MPs to the likes of Barack Obama and Sarah [im]Palin. I have photos on my mobile phone to prove it including one of Nick Clegg being happy-slapped by American Vice President, Joe Biden. Boy, does that man take his job title seriously.

5) The BP oil disaster was down to me. I honestly thought building a well cap out of Lego would be a great idea. Possibly the castle motif on top with a working drawbridge weakened the structure but hey, what was I to know? I’m not a friggin’ engineer!

6) The World Cup. The Russians paid me handsomely. That’s all I’m saying. Frankly I hate football and think it a shite game. Overpaid, oversexed and now over there in the frigging ice fields. Serves ‘em right. All you footie fans travelling to Moscow...? I’m planting counter-intelligence evidence on the lot of you. Don’t waste your money on plane tickets home ‘cos you won’t be leaving. The rest of you can write to the Queen – there’s still time before the honour’s list is published.

7) I’ve wasted enough time / energy / brain cells composing this for your entertainment and to be honest I’m not sure any of you are worth it.

8) Please see no. 2. I shall be doing you all in alphabetical order. Please ensure you all shower first (and, yes, that includes you, Rol).



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44 comments:

misssy m said...

"Sexual shopping list" has to be my phrase of the day. it should be an album title. or a band name.

OR the title of your next novel!

The Dotterel said...

Phew! Could've been worse... at least you didn't mention the toenail clippings.

Steve said...

Misssy M: I'm thinking of introducing a clubcard or 2 for 1 vouchers. Or even BOGOFs.

The Dotterel: I'm saving that for when you're earning a lot more money.

Clippy Mat said...

Do you have pics of me having that fight outside the chip shop when I was 17? I'll deny everything. It's a fishy story for sure.

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: you're the one with the tattoos, right?

Michelloui said...

Ha! Well, you were kinder than I expected...

Steve said...

Michelloui: "you were kinder than I expected..." Eh? *narrows eyes* Just what are you insinuating...?

Kelloggsville said...

I seriously like the idea of clubcard points on sexual favours, I could trade them in for an evening with the remote control (although hubby presumably wouldn't accept trade ins on points gained on your doing over). I also can't believe I am sat here working out which of your regulars come before K!!! I need a life.

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: no need to fret - everybody is alphabetized in my sidebar. I've had this planned a long time. I have the rota drawn up all ready. Please keep the third week of January free.

Rol said...

I am too disturbed for words right now.

Still, it's the best offer I've had this week. I'll be round as soon as I get out of the shower.

Steve said...

Rol: pits and bits, please - make sure they're nicely soaped up.

Wanderlust said...

Alphabetical order? Can I go by my last name or do I have to wait until you get to W? Oh damn... I'm not on your sidebar (puts negligee back in closet and sighs).

Steve said...

Wanderlust: I can soon remedy that. May have to give you priority seating to make up for my oversight...!

Alienne said...

Alphabetical - gulp! Is that real names or blog names? And to think I always used to complain about being at the end of the register at school because my maiden name began with W

Troll-in-chief said...

Stop giving away state secrets, you fucking traitor!

Gorilla Bananas said...

The butt-shoehorning sounds credible to me. Big political beasts are like elephants - they need help to get into position. How many Lego model villages have you visited?

lunarossa said...

A - A - A!!! I hope you start from me! ...if you can find me under this montains of snow.....have a warm weekend. Ciao. A.

Mark said...

I expected more. Surely two at a time at least.

Michelle Twin Mum said...

Phew lucky escape! I'm not on the sidebar either but thats 'cos you don't like us Christian's isn't it Steve? I think I recall you posting that once people talk about their religion you are off...

I keep coming back here though, you are my light relief (now that sounds swriously dubious!) lol

Mich x

Steve said...

Alienne: buckle up, baby, it's going to be quite a ride!

Troll-in-Chief: a traitor to my country but never a traitor to my conscience.

Gorilla Bananas: only one. At Windsor. But I've been numerous times.

Lunarossa: light a couple of flares and I'll find you; that's a promise.

Mark: I don't like to show off.

Michelle: I don't mind Christians as long as they don't spout anti-communist tirades while they're cleaning my windows or exorcising distressed girls at my place of employment. Both of which have happened to me over the last 2 years. However, I don't think all Christians are like that so I will gladly add you to my sidebar - apologies for not having done it before. Do hope you will forgive me. ;-)

the fly in the web said...

Oh dear...not,I beg of you, during a Test Match....

Owen said...

OMG, I heading to Somalia, you will never find me there ! And if you do try, we will kidnap you, demanding ransom be paid in diplomatic cables... cables which we will then whip you with after dressing you in black latex. OK ?

Vicky said...

OMG one of the only bitch fights I was in was outside the fish and chip shop when I was about 17 LOL

femminismo said...

Make way! I'm off to the shower!

Steve said...

The fly in the web: really? Or I could knock you for 6 with my bedroom prowess? ;-)

Owen: now that's what I call a party invite!

Vicky: I know. I have the photos and the witness statements. I'm coming for you.

Femminismo: attagirl!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

As long as you're not planning to close any libraries...

Steve said...

Laura: only temporarily as a venue for our rendezvous, nudge nudge wink wink.

;-)

Löst Jimmy said...

Custard bombs eh? I for one would welcome a pelting.

missbehaving said...

I nearly missed this, I was too long in the shower...

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: do you prefer it with the skin on or the skin off?

MissBehaving: if there's room for 2 in your shower then it won't be a problem.

Keith said...

Hey Kellogsville. Get in line, KEI comes before KEL.

Literally !

Steve said...

Keith: now you're fighting over me? This just gets better and better!

The Sagittarian said...

So, finally having a name starting with A is going to pay off!

Steve said...

Amanda: go easy on me. I have the rest of the alphabet to get through... ;-)

Being Me said...

Geez, well I'll just take my place behind the other W's. Can you hurry it along there, Steve? I've a cake baking.

TimeWarden said...

Will it be a threesome with Dani Harmer?!!

Steve said...

Being Me: if it's chocolate you can move to the front of the queue...!

TimeWarden: only if her agent agrees.

libby said...

A bit late to this party are'nt I?

London City Mum said...

I have lived a sheltered life.
This is all new to me.

La la la la la la la *skips off down the lane with her skirt tucked into her knickers*

LCM x

Steve said...

Libby: do I detect a note of relief in your tone? ;-)

LCM: see, that just says to me, "chase me, chase me"...

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

You couldn't put any incriminating photos of me in the local paper that would top the ones that have been in there already!

Steve said...

Trish: damn. Have you set the bar pretty high?

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

You had me at hair clippings.

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: they're already in the post...